Feels like i’m in a vice

i feel like an alien today more than ever. even simple inanimate objects seem foreign. I like burning myself, it hurts for a moment but for a moment its all i can think about and i like that. I cant stop my thoughts from racing. All i want to do is smoke and chill with this girl. Shes a freak just like me:) We made out yesterday for the first time. Im lonely. I cant wait to see her again. Im 23 and have almost completely gotten over my insecurities with girls. But ive still yet to be in love. My life is shit, and i just want someone to get shitty with. We talked on the phone last night for what felt like forever. People (like my parents) try to talk to me about the future but i cant listen. With the past and present looming over me the future doesn’t seem real. My scars grow, i cant help it. I just want to talk to someone in detail about me and why i want to kill myself like an open faucet. My darkest thought the injustices ive experienced everything. But all people seem to want is banal conversation, Id like to share it with this girl oneday but i dont want her to run, though i doubt she will(her forearms look like mine:),Sex and pleasure would not matter if i could just achieve some sense of understanding and compassion with this person and cuddle. AAHHH i just want to be held.