Alright. What the heck is wrong with me?? I’m pretty screwed up but I don’t know what to do about any of it. I have a stupid problem. First, I really hate being a girl. With a burning fire of hate. There really are no words to express how, when, or why I do, but I just hate being a girl. If I could start over and be a boy, I totally would. I try to let my trusted people know, but they don’t understand. They think I just hate going through puberty and that. But that’s not it. It’s so much more. I mean, yeah, puberty’s bad. I would totally want to get rid of it anytime, sure. But the basis of my loathing comes from observing others. The other girls are so…mean. They are rude. Obnoxious. Selfish. They think they own the world and all who inhabit it. I understand, yes, that not ALL girls are like that and boys have problems like that too. But from MY perspective, guys have it so much better. First of all, they can be stupid. Gross. Loud. Over-all manly. It’s not that I want to be MANLY, I just think my personality would fit in to their category better. I want to hang out with them, be accepted. Not spend my life trying to be barely acceptable as a girl. Girls get those stupid mood swings and they whine about EVERYTHING. They think that everyone actually has the liability of making their life more comfortable. They think about guys so much! They always have to have a boyfriend! And, don’t get me wrong, girls are great. They are so smart and can accomplish so much, but I am focusing on the downside. Of course, you could focus on the downside of everything and make anything sound just as bad, but I just can’t help seeing it this way. I know grass is greener on the other side. Why can’t I GO to the other side and find out for myself? This is what gets me. I wouldn’t want to throw this life away. But then I do. So I end up getting caught between both sides and I can’t help it! I just. I just want to disappear! Not exist! POOF! Oh god. I try so hard to be happy for everyone. The last time I cried was, ugh, so long ago I can’t even remember. My life is too good. Why? It’s too perfect. Except for this one problem. If I could be a boy. Without that stupid surgery. Why am I a girl? I wish I had friends. Friends to tell me that girls are the best and stuff. The friends to hug me for a moment, a split-second, and all the problems and worries poof instead of me. Whenever there is an opportunity to make friends, or let someone know how I feel about my life, I just ditch it because I know that I could do it by myself and I don’t need help. That’s where I’m confused. Do I need help? Should I talk to someone? I…don’t. I don’t know.
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4 comments
if i may…
it doesn’t sound as if you have any actually gender identity issues, but you do seem to be hung up on gender stereotypes.
your frustration and confusion isn’t about boys or girls… it seems to be about your perception of gender roles.
i won’t placate you by telling you it will all be okay. but try hard to remember that your life and your personality are unique and all your own, no better or worse than anyone else. decide who it is that YOU want to be, rather than relying on cues from other people to determine your role. try not to concern yourself with the morals and values of others. let you choose you, and know that it is okay to feel beautiful sometimes, just as much as it is to feel crappy other times.
if you feel the need to talk to someone, do it. if not, then don’t. but be cautious with whom you choose to share with. once you open yourself up, it becomes all to easy to get hurt. but, at least you can say you were honest with yourself. and that is a virtue in and of itself.
Thank you. I get it now. I’ve got to realize that it’s okay that I’m a girl as long as I don’t personally harbor those bad traits I just typed up. If that’s what you meant or not, that’s what I got.
Wayoffbase, What’s to stop you hanging out with guys if you prefer them? Most of my best friends are probably men. I find them more laid back, more easily pleased and generally more relaxing company. I suppose the only trouble that can arise is where the guy wants more from you than friendship…I can honestly relate to some of what you say about the downside of the female species. But jmvsic has given you some good advice about not getting to hung up on gender stereotypes. As you yourself say, girls can also be great.
Anyway, you are a smart girl, and it sounds like by writing this post you are well on the way to resolving your problem by yourself. Good luck! Zoe x
I don’t want to pry to much but are you gay or do you actually long to be a man or do you just prefer the company of men?