i’ve never posted here before. i’ve read a lot of posts, and wanted to respond to many… but i never could find the right words, because i would feel hypocritical telling someone “it will be okay”, when in fact it very well may not be. i know that’s not the point, but still.
i had everything i every truly wanted. i was married to the most beautiful girl in the world, who also was my very best friend. i have been head over heels in love with her since we first met in 2001. i was 19 then, she was 16. we both made some mistakes, and hurt each other pretty badly. but nothing that ever caused us to lose sight of the love we had for each other. on october 18th 2008, we were married. it was the best day of my life.
i never realized though that i had been constantly dealing with depression, since before i even met her. it wasn’t the kind of depression that weighs you down, and makes it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel… it was a mechanism, a defect in my brain that would subconsciously keep me from being truly happy. basically, i never felt i was deserving of the happiness that i felt, so i would go about destroying my life when i felt i was “too happy”. she made me so very happy, so of course she was the one who would get hurt the most.
i was unfaithful. not in that i had sex with anyone else, or fell in love with anyone else… but i did attempt to physically cheat on her. more than once. i am so ashamed of it, and myself. i honestly never desired to be with anyone else, but my depression wanted to keep me from being happy, so i would sabotage myself, and break her trust in the process.
it all came crashing down in october of 2011. just ten days before our third anniversary. she told me she was done with me. she told me i had been holding her back for more than 10 years, and that she was never really in love with me… even though just a week earlier we made love in the middle of the day, and as we held each other afterwards, she told me, “i’m so in love with you, and so lucky to have such a great husband”. \
my birthday is the 30th of this month. i’ll be 31. last year, when i turned 30, i had a dream about how wonderful my life is, and how much i love her, and how i was looking forward to and planning a family with her. we had talked about kids for a while, and i was never sure. it’s a big step obviously. but after my 30th birthday i realized… so what? i am 100% in love with her, and she is 100% in love with me and now is the time to build that love into our family. within a week, it all changed.
she filed for divorce three days before christmas. i initially agreed to go along with the divorce, because it’s what she wanted and i wanted to make her happy. but it has been a shitty shitty year. i admit that i lost control of my ability to tell good ideas from stupid ones, and made a few mistakes since then. i haven’t harmed anyone or done anything too terrible… only what i would assume many people would do if their entire life was turned upside down, and had nothing to hold onto…
i have been living more than 500 miles away from her since april. i think she is now living with her most recent boyfriend. i had to return to our home (which we both bought in 2009 and now it is totally my responsibility. she wanted to just walk away from the last ten years of her life as if it never happened) last week to try and clean it up and ready it for sale. one thing led to another, and somehow she has now pressed trespassing charges against me, and now i have to hire a lawyer, rent a car to drive all the way there again next week, and pay court costs and fines. and on top of that, i will likely end up in jail, because of previous run-ins with the law. nothing serious or violent, but as i mentioned before… i did some stupid things because of my depression.
i don’t know what to do. i would never hurt her or anyone else. it’s not in my nature. i am just so extremely alone. and hurt. she is everything to me. and just a year ago i thought she felt the same way, but now she has abandoned me, hurt me, used me… and still i cannot be angry at her. i cannot stop caring for her. hope may be all that i have left to hold onto right now, but it is also driving me slowly insane. i do not understand how things got to be as they are now. i admit to my mistakes, and i take responsibility for my behavior… but i cannot bear a life like this any more.
i always told her that i couldn’t imagine a life without her, and she told me the same… but i seemed to be the only one who really meant it. i love her so much, and maybe the only way to give her what she truly wants (a life without me) is to be gone. because if i still am breathing, i am still hoping. i am so sorry annie. please forgive me.
7 comments
there exist a disconnect between your intentions, actions, and perceived outcome. you say you would never hurt her intentionally, but you did. intent has no bearing on the result, and ignorance is not an excuse at this stage. i see two options: re-educate yourself or lessen your impact.
you cant stop making mistakes but you can learn from them. over time, youll make fewer.
you are right. the disconnect is in the details, which is also in the depression. i have hurt her yes… but not because i wanted to hurt HER, but because i was trying to hurt ME.
i make no excuses for my behavior, only explanations. excuses are designed to justify the actions, whereas explanations only try to define them.
lessening my impact is exactly what i want to do. the only way i can see to do that is to kill myself. like i said, as long as i still breathe, i still hope. she means everything to me, and i can’t seem to let go. i hate the phrase “move on”… which i have heard numerous times over the last year. moving on only seems to be an option for me, if i could have all of my memories of her erased, like in that eternal sunshine of the spotless mind film. i do not know how to exist without her… and honestly i don;t want to.
i hope to find an extremely secluded place, hike as far into the middle of nowhere as possible, bringing only my tent, a sleeping bag, and a few of my favorite books, and just sleep and read, until i pass from dehydration / starvation. 7-10 days is what i guess. if anyone reading has any suggestions as to where i might go (within the continental US) to be isolated for this, please let me know.
thanks~
jmvsic, have you felt that she has been part of your depression, do you think she may have perpetuated your depression? can you pick out reasons why you were depressed? i know that was a lot of questions, and i know they can be difficult to answer, but im honestly curious because i want to help, and i think maybe if im able to understand others it may help me understand myself, and vice versa. do you know what i mean? you took the time to write kind words on my post, and i want to give you the same courtesy.
depression is a strange thing. i only began to understand how it was affecting me around july of 2011. i hit rock bottom in january of that same year, and realized that my actions were a result of my own dislike for myself.
i have always been scared to fail. but for some reason i was setting myself up to fail on a regular basis. my biggest fears are being abandoned and disappointing those who i love. yet, i seemed to always find a way to accomplish both of my biggest fears, because i never felt like i deserved to be happy with myself.
once i would finally be at a point where i was truly happy with either where i was, or where i was going, my mind would make me feel guilty for being so happy and i would go about finding stupid and selfish ways of tearing my happiness apart.
my wife… annie, wasn’t a cause of my depression, but rather a target. she was what made me truly happy, and i felt undeserving of her. i cannot blame her for my own mistakes and my own insecurities. that’s not to say that she was perfect either. everyone has their own issues, and i won’t pretend to put her high on a pedestal. that being said, i knew we had our problems (both as a couple and as individuals) but i always felt nothing but love for her. even (and especially) when i was angry with or hurt by her.
part of that may be guilt… but most of it comes from trying to be a forgiving person. i struggle daily with forgiving myself for the stupid mistakes i have made. and i know that the only way to forgive myself is to understand that i am human. i will make mistakes. she is human. she will make mistakes. but in my heart i know that my mistakes were not made out of anger or malice towards her. she was the One that i truly loved, and therefore became the one that i would hurt.
i have done many regrettable things. but i have to believe that i am not a bad person. i am a person who (just as you did) put all their eggs in one basket. the difference with my situation is that i was the one who slowly started to cut holes in my basket, and all of my eggs have now fallen to the ground.
i love her so damn much, and when i told her that i couldn’t imagine a life without her… i truly can’t. i don’t want to die, but i don’t want to live in a life that has become so empty without her either.
i gather that you have the same inclinations, and i am truly sorry for that pain. i can’t claim to know it exactly, but i feel this loss as not just “another chapter” as some have tried to explain it. it is a loss of me. a loss of everything that i was living for. everything that made me smile, laugh and love.
wow, while i can’t directly relate to some of the things youve said, i can really relate to a lot of it. especially the majority of the second half of your post. ive always had a fear of abandonment and have disliked myself for one reason or another. i always looked for the acceptance of others, and the approval of others. ive always been lonely. there are so many things i want to say, but i have such a jumble of thoughts in my head its difficult for all of them to come out right now individually.
i am not so self absorbed to believe that my problems are the only ones in the world. but they are uniquely mine. i began posting here just yesterday because i am truly at the end of trying. i feel so worthless and pathetic. no matter how much i try to show her the love i have for her, she seems determined to not care. just like your situation, i know that the happiest i have ever been in my life was with her, and those good times we had going for walks together, watching tv, late night drives, making love… all of that is worth fighting for. but i seem to only be fighting with myself anymore. and i can’t see that changing at all. that is why i will one day soon disappear into the woods, still wearing my wedding ring, still saying goodnight to her photograph every night, and still whispering “i love you” to her at the moon… until i can whisper no more.
god, sometimes i wish i didn’t feel. like i could flip the switch in my heart from ON to OFF, just like she seems to have so easily done. it hurts so much ;'(
anyway, if you wish to email, it’s jmvsic@gmail.com
i hear you, i really do. i wish there was some way to get out of this funk. it’s pretty awful. i feel the same way, somehow i think i’m going to continue to kiss his picture every night before i go to sleep. im so angry and im so hurt, but all i want to do is hug and squeeze and kiss him and make him understand that i love him so much and i always have, i wish we could just start over.