I’m just tired…

I am. I’m just so unbelievably tired. I’m tired physically, I’m tired mentally, I’m tired emotionally. I don’t know why I’m here, I’m not sure I’ve ever known why I’m here. There doesn’t seem to be one person who honestly could not live without me. I have no friends. I had one. She was like a sister to me. She got on my nerves, she drove me crazy, but she was always there for me. She kept me grounded. And now, she’s moving on, and it’s obvious she’s moving on without me. She got a new job, she has a new boyfriend.. I want to be happy for her. I do. I so, so want to be so happy for her and want to ask her all about it and tell her I’m happy for her and mean it but I can’t.. I hate myself because I feel so selfish. I’ve had this happen before. Close friend gets a new boyfriend, suddenly she stops talking to me. We talked a lot online, every night in fact. And suddenly she would miss a night and not tell me why. She wouldn’t even text me so I would know not to sit around and wait for her. Then suddenly one day she tells me it’s all my fault and we haven’t spoken since. It’s starting out that way with this other friend. This is the third night in a row she hasn’t gotten online, hasn’t text me like she said she would, hasn’t called me. I don’t think I can go through this again.

It all hurts, but what keeps going through my mind (one of the many things) is how she promised me over and over again she would never do to me what the other friend did. Even when she got her new boyfriend, I said “Don’t drop me.” and she said “Hey, I would never!”. Maybe I’m just being paranoid, maybe once things settle down with this new job and such it’ll be okay. That’s what I keep telling myself to keep myself from going crazy.

If and when I lose her… I’ll have no one. Oh, they all say they care but they never call. They never have time for me. So I wonder, is the point of my existence to just be the friend, to be there for years and years until a person gets their life together and moves on to leave me behind? Is that what I’m here for? Is that what God put me here for?

What about me? I try so hard. I try to get out. I try to meet new people. I try to find a job. Why do I keep getting kicked in the teeth?

I’m just tired. I’m tired of my feelings being so hurt it literally hurts in my chest. I’m tired of hiding my tears because I don’t want to upset people or have them think I’m attention seeking.

I just want… someone. I just want someone to hold onto when it gets too hard. I want someone to hold my hand for a change. I want someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay and make me believe it.  I don’t want to be lonely anymore.

I don’t want to do this anymore. I just want this over. I just want all of this over and I want some peace.

It’s not just the situation with my friend, please don’t think I’m one of those people “Oh, she won’t talk to me anymore, I’ll just kill myself.”

No, this has been a long time coming. I used to hang on because the thought of my niece and nephews having to deal with that kind of loss kept me from it. Then I hung on because I had a friend who seemed to really care, who seemed to be different from the 4 or 5 previous ones who have left me in some way.

But without that friend… what do I have to hold on for? I have no kids. I have no job. I live at home with my elderly father. My niece and nephews have grown up and grown away from me, so much so that we never speak. My mom lives in another state and one brother is a tool, the other has his own problems, and my sister doesn’t care about us.

So tell me, please, what do I have to hold on to now?