For the past two weeks almost every single night I have been standing at the very top of five flights of stairs, contemplating possibilities. Imagining my body falling. Would I face up or should I choose to face the ground? I am still afraid. That is why when I find myself there, hands gripping the railing, it takes me about an hour to move. And somehow through strength or fear, I am still here.
Last night, as I started my walk up these five flights of stairs my boyfriend called me. Instead of finishing the climb I hopped in my car and drove to his house. By the time I got there I was having a panic attack. He held onto me through the whole thing repeatedly telling me how much he loved me. Saying that everything would be okay. I love him. so so much. But I am not okay. And I don’t think I ever will be. I will always have that urge to jump. that inclination to end it all.
I have been happy before. But that’s not the point anymore. Even when a smile comes easy all I can think about is that fateful fall.
4 comments
As someone who has accidentally fallen down flights of stone stairs. It likely won’t kill you, not that I’m suggesting trying it. It will hurt. A lot. I’ve wound up with swollen knees and elbows, fractures, whiplash, etc. If you fall on your face, you’ll break your nose (happened to a relative) – I was covering my head with my arms and avoided this. You’ll be stuck with the physical pain for a long time to come.
If you have any more questions on what it’s like to fall down stairs, feel free to ask. It’s really not an experience I recommend having by doing.
http://www.uvu.edu/library/images/08-063-17C.jpg
This is a picture of the stairs.
I should have clarified, sorry. Jump from them, not fall down them.
A fall from a 5th floor will probably be much more severe. You could end up in a wheel chair for the rest of your life. Now, you’ve got love in your life. I really wish I had that. Think things through.
I can’t remember the statistics but I researched suicide a lot. And I won’t say the exact percentage because I don’t remember and I don’t want to be quoted on this, but a high percentage of people that choose to end their lives by jumping change their minds on the way down. They found that out from survivors obviously but its still a proven fact. That is not a method I would choose. In case you are one of the ones that change your mind…just something to think about…