hello this is my first using this and thank you in advance for taking the time to listen to this
since the age of four my mother became addicted to a various amount of  drugs, alcohol among whatever else she could get her hands on. She was always assoisated with drug dealers, alcoholics and just general people like that. Day after day since that age ive constantly be blamed for being alive and being born and that life without me would be easier for her and everyone else in the world. I constantly saw my younger brother be beaten up and thrown across the front room and bedroom by my mothers boyfriend while she was out scoring and i had to put with that guilt since four of not being able to help him. I’ve seen my mother be abused, be beat up and be raped right in front of me from that age, day after day after day and I had to live with the fact that no matter how hard i tried no matter how much i screamed for her safety it just wasnt enough to help her, afterwards she would blame me and beat me claiming that life  is better without me, that it was my fault for her troubles.
We finally moved  away from those people and ended up moving elsewhere where once again she decided it would be a good idea to go back on drugs i was around 6 at this time after years of hell of constantly being beaten and seeing my two younger brothers and mother be beaten as well. My mother deicided to go back onto drugs due to her feeling weak and leaving me to always cook for my two younger brothers well what i mean by cook is just basic sanwhichs, breakfast etc but every day was a struggle she finaly got another drug addict boyfriend who constantly abused her again and again and once again i was feeling guilty that i cant do anything about it, i mean at one point i came home to find her being held at knife point for taking away his drugs for her own use. I felt completely pathetic at that point i just wanted to end it all i already knew about suicide since my mother told me that if i do that it would make everyones lifes easier around me. after years of putting up with seeing my mother take drugs, get drunk, abuse me and my brothers she moved once again.
So we moved once again away from drug users and yup you guessed right she once again found herself taking drugs and leaving me to fend for  me and brothers ourselfs and once again we had to deal with a few more years of constantly being beaten and seeing our own mother be raped, beaten, abused and her trying to give me drugs ”it would make you feel better you piece of…” yeah you know where im going with this. After a few more years of being completly alone no friends, no family i mean i wouldnt call that a family. My mother left me and my brothers round her ex boyfriends house after a major argument with a drug dealer the day after we went out of his house and walked to our grandparents house it was there that my two younger brothers who i protected and fed was taken away from me by going to care (which ended up with them having a much better and loving home which i was happy with) i ended up living with my grandparents who blammed me for everything my grandmother would constantly make fun of how patheic and weak i  looked and how ”i always looked so down and because of that it was all my fault” with my grandad being too lazy to not care about me since he wanted to avoid all arguments.
After a few years of constantly being treated like crap by them always being reminded of how this was all my fault of being born and how this was my fault my mum took drugs due to her giving birth to me at a young age of 17 i deciced to live back to my mums since she said she was ”clear off drugs” i mean the real reason was that i just wanted to see if my old real mother was back.
after a few months of fighting for the rights of being able to live with my own mother against my over protective grandmother i won and finaly had the chance to have a ”normal family life” but once again that all changed when i learned that she had a child because of that i had to raise her from the age of 0 to 3 from my age of 13 to 15 (before giving up and moving back to my grandparents since i had friends that acually wanted me) but during those years i had to raise her under the grounds of mum using ”the past” against me on how i never acted like a real son.
so i finaly move back to my grandparents where they learned to respect me due to me having to learn that during the time she was out of mine and my brothers lifes she was homeless and prostitued herself for drugs and made me raise a baby all by myself and having no friends to my name due to not having time for a social life and hating everyone around me at school.
i finaly turned 16 life was great i started college, ”new start” i thought but by that time i became so depressed i gave up on finding a social life, i gave up on what little friends i had from them walking all over me knowing that they can abuse my trust i mean when someone says ”your my friend” you kind of jump for joy at the thought that at least one person wants you. So after a year of being anti-social amoung my college year i end up getting two girlfriends (at separate times) ended up both cheating on me and spreading rumors about me since i was stupidly loyal to them by that time i completely gave up, i mean if my own parents cant love then who will? i constantly ended up feeling sorry for myself i never took any action to change i mean i tried and tried but the more i tried the more i was reminded that everyones the same they only want a nice person for one thing ”good advice” and then once thats done your left with nothing but people laughing behind your back for being so patheic.
Im 18 now writing this and i know ”someone out there will  love you” and ”someone out there needs/wants you” but honestly theres neither of that now and i doubt there will be in the future. I guess the point of saying parts of my life story to this point was to just say that i just want one person to accept me and love me i live everyday feeling as though i will be better off dead ive tried so many times to commit suicide in the past and i even tried the whole ”oh dont worry lets see what tomorrow will bring” and day after day nothing came my way not a loyal friend, not someone who loves me just more and more people that use me for advice and some comfort and then throw me aside once they’re done i hate life i really do but im too scared to commit suicide im too scared of being lonely i know you have you help yourself but i just want one person to save me and i just want to hear the words ”i love you” and have someone mean that every day is really a struggle for me.
thank you for reading this im so lost right now.
3 comments
Wow, first off i think you should pat yourself on the back for being as strong as you are. Truthfully i don’t think i would of lasted half the time in your shoes. It’s sad what drugs can do to people; you know of course though that none of that was your fault right? From what i’ve read it seems like you’ve only ever made good decisions, far from the curse others seemed to describe you as.
You ask the question “is it worth trying anymore?” truly this is something that only you can decide. You preempted my words, but i’ll say them anyway. There are people who would truly care for you. Not just as a friend to come to for advice, but someone to care for even when things got hard. It’s true that some seem to never find those people, maybe it’s just bad luck? But they do exist. That’s where many find the strength to continue fighting each day. In the belief that they’ll find those people.
It really makes me sad reading things like this. I’ve always wished i could be a friend to someone. Not just another buddy to hang out with, but someone who would be there even in the darkest hours. It’s strange how people who need each other always seem to be seperated and forced to desperately search for one another.
Anyway, in the end you have to decide for yourself weather you think it’s worth living to continue searching for happiness. I hope you can continue to be strong like you have been.
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to answer your question, i think yes. you are really strong. you need to care less about what people think. They dont see the whole situation, either because you can’t tell them or they are too weak to accept the truth, and just pass judgement. You will be fine, just be careful who you trust. Friends are wonderful, but remember we live this life alone and die alone. Nobody, and I mean absolutely nobody (brothers, sisters, friends, grandparents… the only possible exception is parents, but clearly not in your case) can care for you with ultimate devotion. Its how people are. They are not perfect. You said your exes spread rumours, im really sorry to hear that, but that’s another thing that people do. They cannot keep their fucking mouths closed, so keep the sensitive aspects of your life to yourself and even lie if necessary. best of luck man, u seem like you’ll be ok because i think you have been through the worst. Don’t think things wont get better, your older now and can look after yourself. Get a job/go to uni etc.. and things will fall into place.
thank you very much for the help i think i might just try and open myself more to some more people in my own time and be more careful about it beforehand to avoid anymore let downs and just try and focus on making myself have something to look forward in the future thank you very much for the help i really needed it