Like rust

Well it’s been a while that I came to this site. I don’t know if anybody missed me, my existence doesn’t really matter at this point anyway. I’m just a shell moving by the habits that have been inprinted in it.

It has been a month since I moved in Ontario. Following this lofty scenario where I deluded myself with naive idea that my life would get better, that “grass is alway greener on the other side”. Well I don’t see any more colors here either. It just came to me today that I have been eating only one “meal” of junkfood a day since three week. Looks like my subconscious is letting go by itself. Suit me pretty well actualy. With this empty a shell something has to take action.

The only place comfortable seems to be this bed where I’m sitting right now. Hope I’ll fall asleep quick, hope it will seem like thousands of years, hope to be drowned in the flows of much more pleasant dreams. Dreams so much warmer than reality, dreams where nature still can soothe my heart, dreams where dying seems so much easier. How I hate being trapped by my lack of will. I was so close the other day too. The car was there, garage too.  Why not start the car, garage doors closed, lie dow and wait for it. One final slackoff.

I’m doing it again, I’m screwing up my chances. Sadly, I’m used to it. I saw this coming. Those hands have never accomplished anything good anyway. They wouldn’t be able to comfort those who needed it, much less create happiness. “Happiness”…This feels so far, so distant. The best would be that my existence be erased, just a consciousness floating in the wind. Blown away along the autumn leaves I love so much. Leaving my heart wich has binded me behind. Free at last.

I should remind myself that a nobody like me could never aspire to such an end. I’ll just keep walking ahead without loocking, what else am I suppose to do? I’ll just keep withering away along with the autumn leaves. Like rust eating away at everything.