Hi,
I’m new here. I guess I came across this site trying to find the best way to end everything. I’ve spent the last two days just reading everyone’s stories and it makes me feel guilty for even feeling this way. Some of the stories I’ve read are so sad and I feel like in comparison, what do I have to be depressed about. From the outside looking in, it probably seems like my life is great. I’m that girl that is always smiling, always trying to make things better and always laughing. People don’t seem to understand that you can fake it all, I go home away from everyone and that’s the real me.
I don’t really know when it all started, I think  I’ve always been like this but I guess things got really bad when my godfather died. That’s what started the cutting. Its been like 5 years and there’s times I can control everything but then I just lose it. I’ve never been happy with myself, I’m too stupid, too fat, too ugly…worthless. Even when I manage to control the cutting and things I still hate myself. I guess alot of you know that feeling though.
I’m not good at talking. This post probably makes so little sense as my head is so confused. I guess I’m hoping it will help to get everything down. Maybe then I’ll be able to work out what’s wrong. I’m 20, and yeah I know its young and there’s everything to live for but right now I don’t want to. Things have never got this bad for me before. I tried to overdose before when I was like 16, but I hadn’t really thought about it or researched and needless to say it didn’t work. I’m not sure I even really wanted it to at the time. I mean now I can’t stop thinking about it, I can’t stop looking into it and it’s like a uncontrollable desire. I don’t want to have to make loads of attempts. I want a sure method for it, so for now it’s just cutting daily and trying to deal with the shit.
Does anyone else feel like they can’t stop lying? It’s like a daily occurrence for me. Lying to friends, my family, the doctor. But then what is the point in being honest when they won’t understand? I mean the doctors are so unhelpful, I can’t even count the amount of times I’ve been about how low I feel and they’ve always done nothing. ‘Exercise will make you feel better’ ‘More sleep’ I’ve tried it and it doesn’t. The last few times I’ve been I guess I’ve been more honest, but then there’s been a reason for the way I’ve felt so they’ve been more helpful.
I should probably explain what’s happened this time to make me go back to cutting and feeling like this. I got pregnant, I’d been with my boyfriend for like 2 months and it was just a complete accident. We had to make a decision and we chose a termination. A lot of people won’t agree with that I’m sure, and I don’t fully agree with terminations, but I’m 20, I’m not ready and I have nothing I could provide a baby. It was the best decision for me and my boyfriend at the time but it’s just fucked me up so badly. I want to end everything. I don’t know if I regret it or what. I’m so confused. Things have broken down with my boyfriend, and to be honest, after the lack of support I got from him, even though he pushed that decision, I’m not bothered about the breakup. It’s just the way the termination has made me feel. It’s like everything I’ve always felt about my self multiplied by a million. I’m still worthless, and stupid, and useless and unloveable just more then I ever felt before.
I’ve been to the doctors since and they just seem so unwilling to help, I mean the first time they signed me off work and the second which was yesterday they gave me some sleeping tablets. I went about the depression so how can sleeping tablets help. I know its a natural response after a termination, but given my history with stuff I guess I just feel I need some more help with that rather then just assuming it’s all down to the situation. All I could think when I got the sleeping pills is will that combined with vodka and as much paracetamol as I can store up be enough? Maybe it’s my fault for not being honest every time I’ve seen the doctor for years..maybe if I’d admitted to the self harm and suicidal thoughts before they would be doing something more now. It probably is my fault. Usually is.
Is suicide really that selfish? I mean I know everyone you leave behind has to deal with the fallout from it and that, but surely being alive, being stuck here this unhappy is just as bad in a way. Neither option is exactly fair.
Anyway, I’ve probably rambled on and bored you enough, if anyone has actually read this. If anyone has and wants to talk though I’m happy to be someone to talk to.
6 comments
Hi there minifletch. No, you’re not selfish and you shouldn’t feel guilty for being depressed, even if you don’t think you have a valid reason to be. Everyone is different; i can’t go to walmart without feeling like my head is going to explode from all the people and noise, whereas millions go everyday not even thinking of it like a task. The feelings you have are real and not frivilous. As for your abortion, some may disagree with me, but i don’t think you should feel bad, in fact i think it would have been a worse thing for you to bring that child into the world knowing that you couldn’t provide for it. There’s a great bit of literature on this, but personally i don’t believe that you did the wrong thing.
If your abortion is really what’s gotton you back into cutting i suggest you do some research on fetal conciousness and development it may aleviate some of your worry.
You’re not stupid,worthless, or ugly. Don’t feel like it’s a sin to feel suicidal you have the right to be sad, but don’t convince yourself that you’re a bad person. I don’t see that at all from what i’ve read.
Much love.
What scar504 said.
Sometimes when women have an abortion they feel some kind of… crap I can’t remember what it’s called, but it is severe depression. Like if a mother saw her kid get taken away and there was nothing to do to get it back. It’s like type of experience. Some women taken it hard and get depressed, have horrible thoughts and such, and there are those who think nothing of it. You are just feeling the emotions that come with the abortion. It’s normal, yes you should see a psychiatrist rather than your doctor. A psychiatrist will at least try to suggest some things to do that don’t always involve pills. Doctors will say, oh go sleep here are some pills eat healthy… that stuff that seems very unhelpful.
Thanks guys.
I really don’t think it’s just the abortion. I’ve always been like this tbh but its obviously triggered it off again or something.
Scar504, I totally understand what you mean with the people and noise, at times I just want to scream. I honestly couldn’t imagine having it all the time though, that’s how it seems to be when I go to work right now, just excessive noise and I just want everything to stop.
It’s hard I guess isn’t it? I mean you spend so much time feeling guilty on the ones you love, yet they don’t seem to care that much half the time.
Yeah, i know what you mean. I think they key is finding balance. It’s important to care about other people, but you can’t stop caring about yourself in the process. If you’re anything like me you probably make yourself feel guilty about a lot more than you deserve.
Btw, even if you have always been like this it’s definitely not being helped by lingering feelings of guilt. If you think it’s fine then great, but if not maybe you should talk to someone. Not just a normal doctor but someone who will actually listen. Or someone here : )
I cannot even find words to describe how much this is similar to how I’m feeling. You do make complete sense, don’t worry. Everyone guilts you when you consider suicide saying “imagine what everyone will be like when you’re gone”. Yeah but what about the pain I go through everyday? Do I just have to take one for the team? It’s not fair. I’m sorry you have to go through what I go through too.