So, yea… Reading back, this is pretty long. Sorry.
I just sat here for the last 5 mins.. staring at this blank page. Not knowing where to start.. whether there’s some sort of “etiquette” to follow for total-forum-newbies (’cause yes, this is my first ever forum post on this matter, ever.. >.<), before posting.. Not knowing whether to actually post, or leave everything in my head like I do with everything. And no doubt, everything I write, I’ll be going over time and time again before i post this.. wondering if i should actually tell any of this – I’m not one for sharing. So much so, my best friend often says he admires how well I keep certain aspects of my life secret, such as feelings and love life and things of that nature – though it’s not really keeping things secret, yet more that I don’t think I can talk to any of my friends, including him.. even though he’s like a brother to me. Which is one of the problems – I don’t feel close to anyone, and feel alone 99% of the time. Though, no one ever sees that.. When they’re with me, they think everything is ok, and I’m happy.
I know this is said a fair bit. And I know that people everywhere think this every day. And I try and tell myself each time, that I’m being stupid.. That everyone feels like I do, and that they cover it up just like I do. And I often tell myself that people are much worse off than I am.. but none of that makes me feel happier.. or changes the fact that I feel I get depressed so easily, when I’m alone.
But even then, there’s often times when with friends, that I walk away.. remove myself from the crowd.. just ’cause I still feel alone when I’m surrounded by everyone. I’m not one to burden people, so I just let them carry on without having to worry. A main reason why I don’t tell people. That, and I automatically think that no one really cares about anything in regards to anyone else. I mean, everyone has their own problems to sort out, so who am I to put my load on to them? (I’m even unsure about unloading on here. Which is why half the stuff I’m writing is getting deleted as I look back through this.)
The fact of the matter is though, for as long as I can think, I’ve felt empty inside. I spend most of my time, alone in my room now. I have two friends that I actually count as friends (the rest don’t bother with me, unless other people are there too). These two, are people that I will actively try to see, though this isn’t to say i see them a whole lot.
I mean, I didn’t have the worst childhood – granted one aspect of it has probably fucked me up forever, but that’s not for this just yet. But I have no job. No income. No life. Accomplished nothing. Not particularly good at anything. Live with parents…oh, and I’m 25. People my age seem like they have everything together. People I went to High School with have jobs, lives, families, loved ones, people to lean on. And I still feel like I have nothing. And that.. People really don’t have faith in me, or my abilities in regards to a job/career and love life.
All this and my views of the world, and the people that exist in it are horrible. There’s so much hurt, pain, anger, jealousy, deceit, suffering and much more.. it tears me apart inside every time I think about it. Life just seems like one big let down to me.
Only one thing has ever made me happy.. But she split up with me 2 years ago, and I’ve hurt inside every day since. I’m a person who believes there’s only one person out there that is meant for each and every one of us.. And I lost the one that was meant for me.
I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about doing something drastic about this, so I didn’t have to think about any of this. But that just isn’t something I feel I would have the guts to do – I wouldn’t want to hurt those around me. I think that’s the only reason that’s stopping me.. which I guess I should be thankful for. But I truly believe I have nothing to live for right now.
I was originally wanting this to be something I could get advice on, but I think it’s turned into more of a rant than anything. Everything I try to change, just doesn’t – I’ve lost hope and faith with everything. “/That being said, and replies would still be appeciated..
Sorry for such a long post. And even more sorry if you just read all of that.. >.<
5 comments
Sounds like you needed a good rant, ESP of your not talking to friends. At 25 you’re a baby. You can do whatever you want, but it doesn’t help to compare yourself to others.
Hey it’s OK Jaded. I hear how hopeless you feel. Many of us here can relate to your feelings.
I have been unable to work for my living nearly all my adult life, due to serious mental health problems. I know how much it sucks. You don’t really go into why this is the case for you. But that on its own is quite enough to depress anyone.
Is it feasible for you to do voluntary work, vocational training, further education or anything that would put you in a better position career-wise? It would also keep you busy, give you structure and a distraction from your feelings? These things, plus groups, therapy and meetings that I attend help to keep me somewhat sane and feeling like I have some kind of a stake in the community, even tho’ the chances of me getting a job are almost nil now.
Maybe think about how you can use your experiences to help and encourage others in some way? Nothing raises our self-esteem so much as being in a position to assist others. While you’re focusing on them, you forget your own stuff, plus, it reminds you how universal suffering is. Though you already seem aware of this and say it doesn’t help.
Anyway, I read your story and I applaud you for finding the strength to break your lifetime habit of keeping stuff to yourself. Maybe this is key, for you. All these thoughts, swimming around in your brain and never seeing the light of day…well, I know I would go insane if I couldn’t share it with anyone.
Peace to you Jaded. Zoe x
All I can tell you is that there is not just one person as a “soul-mate” for you in life. I am now very lonely but had several boyfriends who I loved very much at the time and thought were “the one”. You’ll find someone else. You are really young. The minute you find someone new you’ll forget about your ex.
@one_day
Yea. I think a rant if what I needed most. And finding this site I think really helped me last night too – as much as I hate others suffering, it’s nice to know I aint the only one feeling like this. I just can’t help comparing my life to those of my peers. Especially when I had the same opportunities as many of them, and I’m so far behind them.
@louise50
My lack of work isn’t due to any disability, or mental illness. Apart from feeling depressed and hopeless, I’m just a run of the mill guy. I’ve furthered myself for the roles I wish to gain – got my Health&Safety Cert, and my Food Hygiene Cert too. As well as some lesser qualifications in Customer Service. But it never seems to help me find work “/ And ’cause of this, I feel like other people hold all the cards in regards to my very own life.
I currently do volunteer, in a Red Cross Charity Shop. Though I wouldn’t necessarily call it a job, per se. It’s the only time I do get to forget about everything.
There’s also other factors which I didn’t mention too.
I wasn’t ever really close to my father as a child. Him and my mother got divorced when I was so young that I don’t even remember it, and my mother got custody of me and my two sisters. Towards my late teens, me and him started getting closer – I’d visit him, and my granddad regularly. But he had always had his heart set on moving to America.. and moved there while we were starting to get close. He got married.. but that crumbled and he moved back. When I started college, both him and my eldest sister both worked there.. And me and my dad started getting closer again. Only for him to leave once more for America, for another woman.. getting a flight on my birthday, without so much as a goodbye. He’s been there for about 5years now, and I’ve only seen him on Skype. No visits, just the occasional talk on there, or facebook. He kind of unknowingly helped me survive, unmarked, through when I broke up with my ex that I’m still so much in love with.. but it’s not the same as him being here. And my granddad died about a year or two ago – I didn’t get to attend a funeral, and I don’t even know where he is buried.
My mother and her husband are out every night and often in the day time too, drinking. I feel she has a habit, and that it’s the main reason she argues with me when she gets home. But what’s worse, is that she has another two kids to a different dad than my own.. and I feel I care more for their well-being than she does most of the time, and I regularly end up shouting at the kids myself.. and sometimes my mother too. And what stresses me most, is that I know if I moved out, they would be worse off for it.. So I feel stuck.
All this makes me thankful for the 8hrs a week I get to volunteer. At least then, if I can’t end my own suffering, I can help those less fortunate than me to relieve even a bit of their own. Which does help a lot.
I’ve thought about seeking any help I can in the form of medication. I hate (possibly fear) the thought of telling all this to someone, face-to-face. The reason for that, I’m not sure. But then, medication is out of the question, until I at least tell my GP… face-to-face.
The stories/blogs/etc on this site is helping me cope a bit it seems though.. I feel less alone in the world, knowing people are willing to help, without judging. And for that, I thank each and every one of you beautiful people.
@Black_Swan
I have loved others in the past too. I know I’m not incapable of loving another human being.. It just feels as if I won’t be able to find another, that I would love as much as I love my ex.
I’ve had interests since, and a gf too. But I always seem to compare each of them to her, in every single way – I know that’s self-destructive.. I just can’t help it.
I can only hope someone could come along and make me forget.
@All 3 of you
Thank you for replying. It really does mean a lot. Writing all this down is helping. I get to the end of typing it, and feel like a bit is lifted off my shoulders each time I click the Submit button. Maybe this is what I needed all along… anonymous guidance and help. Ty.
You mention things like career, love-life and such. There’s nothing wrong with NOT being well adjusted to this sick society.http://suicideproject.org/2012/09/by-clicking-on-this-entry-i-certify-that-i-am-18-years-of-age/http://suicideproject.org/2012/08/revelation-3/I don’t pretend to know all the answers, but the above entries DO explain some of the things that the politicians, priests and parents, fail to mention.