Well that is it. I skipped class today after just another shitty day without talking or knowing noone in this huge class of over 100 students and already by now everyone has study groups. After that moment something glitched in my brain and I simply did what I always do. Escape. So I took the first bus home. I was so pissed off at myself that I turned to the closest mall and told myself that I would not be a ***** any longer and go through with taking my life today..so I bought a six pack of ice cold Heinekens and a bottle of cognac, some plstic bags and a duct tape.
I am really mindset(?) to do this and so far this is the next best thing since I moved out alone and got myself into college. But then I just got off the phone with mother. Got yelled at because I said I find everything difficult and that I am tired of everything. She says I love to roll around in self pity and go into the state of where I feel helpless, insecure and in need of help. She is totally right. I am! This and other things and events of my life was mentioned on and on for over 10 minutes and her damned voice escalates. But damn it, she is always right.
I am pathetic and I love that shit. I love that everytime I hit a small obstacle, I’ll turn it into Mount Everest. That’s how I see verything and thats where the problem lies. I think I might have saved my ass for one more day. Today was a shit day, Im all alone, my only friend is far away and busy, mother is only to yell and lecture my ass and I got nowhere to go. Stuck inside by the computer again. I chickened out today but I can tell myself right now I am still on the fucking edge of going exit bag-insuline shots-booze galore on my self…. Hey, there is booze in the fridge!