october 4th 2007 (a date i will never forget)

one reason i want to commit suicide is because i want to be with my best friend. he was killed october 4th 2007 and i think of him everyday! i should be the one that is dead right now! its all my fault. me and him were walking down the street one day. and we grew up on the really gehtto side of fresno. and we were walking down martian luthur (street) and there was a shooting happening down the street. and we kept on minding our own business but the car sped up and was coming towards us. and damian (my friend) grabbed me and threw me to the cement behind him as the car past. they shot him 2 times in the heart. he died almost instantly in my arms. blood was running down my arms and got on my face as i leaned in and hugged him so close i could hear his heart completely stopped. i clenched him so tight for nearly 10 mins til the ambulance showed up. i cried so hard that i got a headache. and still clenching his arm and chest as the ambulence was lifting him into a bag on the strecher. they ripped him from my hands and as i started to run back to him two police men grabbed me and held me back. i was screaming at the top of my lungs. i didnt sleep for nearly 3 days. and the sad part is i knew exactly who killed him and didnt say a thing when the police questioned me. i didnt speak for nearly a year. i cut and drank til i fell asleep. that was nearly 5 years ago and he was only 13 and i was 12. i am now 16 and ready to leave this earth to be with him where ever he may be. there may or may not be a heaven but i will find out. ive atempted suicide over 11 times and failed. the doctors always bring me back. just when i see him they shock me back to life. i wish only to die and be happy for once. ive tried nearly everything and nothing seems to work. someone help me?