please make it stop…

Sorry… this may not be helpful, but I FEEL THE SAME WAY! I want to disappear. I wish I could just vanish.

Everything is gone. My husband left me when I got sick (severe depression), he sent my oldest son (15 years) to live with his dad, I had been with him every day wince birth (3 hours away) and took my baby (1 year old) away too. Everyone tells me that it is my choice whether I create a life or not. That it is my choice to be happy. That I have to decide to do this. WTF????? None of this was my choice. All I want to do is disappear. I want to die so badly. I have done so much research. I have tried almost 20 times… next time in the hospital is time in the big mental hospital. I can’t do that. Or maybe I could. In the hospital I have people around me…. we play cards and I laugh. I don’t think as much about everything that is gone and I simply do puzzles and knitting. It’s like a vacation from my shitty life. I just got out of the psych ward yesterday and I already want to go back. I’m so lonely. At least in the hospital the nurse is there every 30 minutes checking on you and you can talk to them when you want to. You eat 3 meals a day. You take your meds on time, without overdosing. There is no alcohol. You are safe from yourself. You are safe from your abusive husband. You are physically separated from your children so the fact that they were taken doesn’t impact you so greatly. You play cards with people and laugh everyday. You don’t have to explain anything and when they say “how are you”, you don’t have to lie. Living in the “matrimonial home” alone really sucks. Especially because he is having it all painted and made really nice because he wants to sell it… I wanted to do all of these things when we moved in. Fuck. My oldest son is afraid of me being near him in case I “try something” again, which I totally understand. I am afraid to be near him in case I cause him any more pain. All I do is cause pain. I have to be at work tomorrow and I am absolutely terrified. It’s 2am and I am so tempted to email them to tell them that I can’t be there. I know they would understand because I just got out of hospital yesterday, but I am embarrassed to tell them that I just cant bare to do it. I really wish I could die today. I know that I can’t do it. I’ve done so much research. I don’t have enough meds saved up for an overdose. I really wish that I could trade places with some child who has a terminal illness. I would totally take their place in a second. I would die for them. It would make me happy. I wouldn’t be a tortured soul… in fact, just the opposite, I would be at peace. No one understands this.