School Starts Tomorrow

I don’t know what to do. I have incredibly low self esteem, depression, social anxiety disorder, and general anxiety disorder. I’m pretty sure I have BDD and potentially bulimia. School’s starting tomorrow. School makes me miserable. Between the uncomfortable out-of-placeless, awkwardness, loneliness, and constant fear and awareness of the thoughts of the people around me– aesthetically it’s just not a good fit. And that’s not taking into consideration the overwhelming stress of the schoolwork that for some reason doesn’t click with me. School all together is just a reminder of how pathetic I am. The trouble, however, is that despite the misery school inflicts upon me, without it my life truly becomes meaningless. I have no skills, no social life, and although I love many members of my family, in general my family life is a distressful mess. With the few hours left that I have before school starts, I’m conflicted with how to continue on. Something about killing myself felt like it would make a statement, wake people up, and show everyone in my school that there was more to the girl that doesn’t really talk to much. That’s another problem of mine, my whole life, for some reason I can’t entirely explain, I always wanted something to be wrong with me. I wanted glasses, lice, allergies, to break a body part, and as horrible as it sounds for a little bit last year I actually wanted to be raped! I cannot believe I ever wanted that, it is just so terrible, and right now is the first time I let those words leave my mind. Thinking about this yesterday, I came close to killing myself—I hate to say that because there are people that really have so much issues and I feel guilty, almost as though I am a drama queen, but regardless, the reality is that this truly is how I feel—however I could not go through with it, knowing how severe and permanent that decision is. Then again, I did not want to give the satisfaction to the people from my elementary school who tormented me—I didn’t want them to find out and say “Oh look who was crazy all along She had so many issues, so what I did to her wasn’t so bad, she just reacted that way because of how screwed up she was. Haha I knew she was a freak all along.” Instead I discovered that I might be a sadist—add that to my list. I spent a large portion of the night hitting myself with heavy objects. The rest of the evening was spent on my bed with dim lights just crying, while coping with an overwhelming amount of thoughts rushing through my brain. Eventually I fell asleep, but in the morning I continued for several hours. Just plainly feeling sorry for myself, and yet blaming myself. That’s one of my toughest obstacles, dealing with feeling as though every problem that I have is because of how inadequate I am. Even so, today I was persistently troubled with thoughts informing how much easier everything would be if I did not have to chose between a rock and a hard place, both of which dictating my life, and just silence the pain and anxiety. My mother knew that I hated school, tremendously was troubled by anxiety, and had often episodes of intense depression in which I would usually hate myself, hate my life, and would not be able to picture a better time; my mother did not know that I had been having suicidal thoughts. Tonight, just a few hours ago, I told her of how the previous night I came close to killing myself, how I was holding a knife and putting pressure on it upon my skin, but did not force it all the way. She wants to take care of me by taking me to a hospital, where I will be watched over 24 hours a day, and will have many therapy sessions. There are two troubles I face with that option. The first thing that came to my mind was that I could not miss the beginning of school, it would be impossible to catch up, and then it’s just like my life is moving to quickly, falling through my fingers, and if I spend one month out of a nine month year in a psychiatric hospital…everyone would move on without me, and I will further be removed from what my life should be by losing that month. The second reason is that just the idea of going to a hospital makes it so real, so intense, makes me the crazy girl that wants to kill herself. Now I don’t trust the emotional state I am in right now, and I am scared of what I might do, but ultimately confused. My incredible need to fit in at school and be he ultimate person there, socially and academically, keeps me from making decisions that are best for my well-being because despite the fact that I hate it there, leaving it would make me feel like I failed on more part of my life, and then where would I go from there. It would totally impede my whole life. But the fact that I have all these emotional issues that have really taken over my body just makes school the worst possible environment for me. I DON’T HAVE TIME to figure out what to do, I don’t have time to make everything right and accomplish what needs to be done in order to resolve and conquer everything. Seven hours I have right now till I’m supposed to be in school. But I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s best for me. I don’t have time to sort things out. Going to school in the state that I’m in right now cannot be good, repercussions may be catastrophic, but what are my options. I’m so destroyed, and so confused, and desperately need a solution.