I have spent hours revising and rewriting… Not out of fear I feel too whinny… Rather my view changes… Like one moment I will feel “It’s all good, everything is fine” to “No one gives a sh*t about me”
However when I do bounce back and get ‘happy’ again, it doesn’t last long for I am awfully sensitive…
Example: During lunch I wanted to be with my friend(which I hold near and dear), she was in a classroom and the only way to get in was to do a secret knock. I happen to know this secret knock, so when I do it I expect to have the door open. I know my friend is inside… She doesn’t open the door after 10 seconds… I walk away almost in a fit and almost breakdown crying. While this is going on, I am on the verge of snapping (Such as tackling or pushing anyone who gets close) My other friend sees me and wants to calm me down but I just throw stuff at him and yell at him to leave me alone. Thankfully my friend is persistent and eventually gets me to calm down, but I may have scratched and bruised him bad…
This has actually happened very recently, but I have had similar happen before… This one was just the worst so far. I do recover, but it’s achieved through much silence and many tears alone. Often talking to myself aloud and saying people only use me, I’m better off dead. I don’t necessarily want to die, rather disappear. At the same time though I don’t want to disappear because I want to be with her( the friend I hold near and dear). Constantly though it seems like she pushes me away when she actually doesn’t have much time for me. I know this but I refuse to admit it… I constantly try to go to be with her every second I can. Then I have those times where I can just walk away from her with no feeling. That doesn’t last long though cause then I feel unwanted by her and that she doesn’t give a sh*t about me.
I’m confused… My mind, my thoughts are killing me… My imagination runs and I constantly change my thoughts and actions. As I type this, I will be surprised I even hit that publish button… I’m so broken, so confused.. Why? Why do I act this way..? It sounds so childish but at the time it feels like the right way to react. My other friend tries to help, but sometimes I scare him away and that just makes things worst for me… The whole “don’t give a sh*t” comes back.
I want to disappear…. But I don’t… My ‘other half’ convinces me people don’t care. I’m reminded of the past, of how I was used. I’m so close to snapping, the line has gotten thin. Especially since what happened recently. Slowly but surely convincing myself that I’m better off gone.
I’m leaving a lot out.. But I don’t believe no one cares right now. Honestly, this is how I see people nowadays outside of oblivious happiness – “As long as you stay alive and get me out of tough situations, it’s all good. You’re sad? Just don’t kill yourself and you’ll be fine.”