I …. loneliness hurts everywhere. Its a very interesting type of pain because it is not associated with a neuron receptive interaction. I just don’t have any friends. And not for a long time, I am not too sure why. Its hard because I don’t have money at all. I don’t ever have petrol money or money to phone anyone. I guess im just not a likable person. Oh I also suffer from bipolar disorder and a fairly rare form of demishia, add a dash of paranoia and low self esteem and … well … its not that im even sad , I don’t know what this is but nothing interests me at all , I feel like everything is black and white, I sometimes feel like I want to kill myself just because I am so bored. I think I think to much aswell, way to much, and not of anything of importance. Put me in a shopping mall and im trying to work out the optimum space ratio between myself and everyone else. I don’t feel like I have control of that either. I seriously contemplate whether this is purgatory. I am not going to mention these reasons here because I am actually a bit too afraid to type it. I also think a bit about time travel, they say it is impossible because of causality , you cant travel back in time and kill your grandfather because that would setup up a psychical reality paradox which cannot exist, however I think if time-space could be altered to the point of where one could pass through there would be a physical reaction where just like your reflex actions of breathing etc would be setup so that you would never have the ability to kill your grandfather. In other words you could only act based on the relation of future events and the effects they would impose. using the equations of the uncertainty principle I think causality manipulation could be possible. With that said I also believe that if one was stuck in purgatory, they would to, based on the conditions of the reality, have the inability to kill themselves. This is most probably a finely tuned subconscious psychosis in order to prevent myself from killing myself. So instead I slip into insanity. It hurts a lot to kinda understand this, that nature has instead of giving me the ability to release myself from whatever you want to call this perception , it conjures mental instability … probably to save the few people that I still know from ..I don’t know.
I use to read quite a bit and I really enjoy it , I would get “like” a high from reading a good book, of anything really and I don’t even do that anymore it seems like everything has just flat lined. I think its just living on the fringes of poverty, I am 29 an still live with my parents, so that’s awkward. All the people I use to know have houses, kids … a life. Here I am just trying to survive every day and its like this everyday. I think it might be easier if I actually knew poor people but everyone I have ever seemed to associate myself with has been very middle class. Just someone to talk to would be nice, people seem put of when you start a conversation with “what happens when an immovable object is hit by an unstoppable force” or the possibilities of … not reincarnation but self realization of having lived the exact same life before .. sort of like living on a Mobius strip. I don’t think I deal with social situations very well , I don’t think I know how to read people which is probably the worse type of disorder someone like myself could be burdened with. I generally just space out as soon as people start gossiping .. which is so often, its quite amazing how much time in conversation people talk negatively about others, really makes me sad to be human. And some of these people seem to be genuine people you know. Someone you could trust with looking after you house or something. And there they are telling me that so and so is sleeping with this person who everyone thinks is smoking meth while performing circus acts with monkeys for extra cash . Am I supposed to be interested in this stuff? I will almost never meet this person and now I am burdened with this information if I ever do.
the other day I found out that there is only something like 1980 tigers left in the wild. 7 billion humans , seriously ….
“I’d like to share a revelation that I’ve had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species and I realized that you’re not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment but you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You’re a plague and we are the cure.”
I am a part of it. I have some pretty serious vices ( self destructive .. no drugs .. just cigarettes  ) that contribute, I do not in any way think I am better then anyone else , if I have written that might make you think otherwise, this was not my intention. I just don’t know how to handle social situation. I even tried religion , but that did not go to well. Its hard to get on with anyone when you don’t believe in hell ( although I do believe in purgatory but its not the true catholism idea) or that jesus was god. Thats a pretty major thing. I would rather just not go to church then go and be a fake. Its quite radical how quickly the Christian friends that I though I made disappeared. Cant we still be friends? i guess not. They were pretty cool people really, a lot of them seemed pretty sincere about the whole thing. Although quite a bit of gossip in the church , now that, i found really strange. I guess they need to talk about something to distract them from a few pretty obvious contradictions. I liked reading the bible actually, its so intense. although i reckon they could have just left out pretty much everything after the gospels.
So what the hell am i on about … today has been pretty tough, tougher then most days I have a very real sense the my brain is caving in on itself and i have been experiencing slight memory loss. Im turning 30 soon .. hmm .. that’s going to be really awkward. Not sure i want to be around for that actually … besides the obvious , no one is really going to be there besides my parents ( shit what a disappointment i am to them ) i wonder if that single event might not be a instigator for a run away psychosis event. ( i don’t mean run away like actually running away but more like a fuel to fire the already apparent short comings of my brain ) It all seems very apparent that my situation is effecting my work, which is one of the only things i really have going for me. I get paid in peanuts that i feed the system that is our illusionary monetary trade of exchange , but i kinda enjoy it. I would rather do it then any other job i know but … like the other day i thought it was Wednesday and it turned out to be Friday and i had not idea what i had done the days before. I am seeing a doctor about my condition .. i have for a while. Since my first attempt in experimentation with the “purgatory reality” with was pretty bad. I guess ill tell it here.. i have actually never told anyone this. I took a can of lighter fluid and stuck it between my mouth and my knee so that it was in a fixed position and then pocked a hole in the top so that it was free flowing. a weird thing happened … I think if it is possible to experience infinity i did but after about a minute or so ( i can only guess because i had some music playing the background and it was leading me) i felt like all my blood had left my body and was being put back in non functional brick sizes , like my body was being built back up with dried up brick size blood and i “knew” that when it reached my head i would turn into rust and would have to work my way back to being a human which would take an infinite amount of time to do. I probably should not have done that, no one even found me i just lay on the fall thinking about how this lame attempt and making a noise without speaking had gone horribly wrong. I have not really ever been the same. I really miss that person i used to be, he was pretty cool i think … pretty mellow just out on a journey to find things out maybe try make things better, invent a solar panel with an automated mounted magnifying glass that focused its light source according  to the movement of the sun. He does not exists anymore , i don’t really know who i am anymore. Life is so tough , like really tough. The petrol price is going up which means everything is going to be going up …
If you have read this far .. well good on you. I think this was more for me though. just wish it was time to sleep already.
post script
ps stands for post script