Hey guys, I’m completely new to this place, though I’m certainly not new to the concept of suicide and depression. I’m brought here today to get some opinions on the current situation I’m in. Some background information first:
The name’s Justin, I’m 22 and a resident of Canada. I know you’re not supposed to share your real name online, but for me, it’s far too late for anonymity. Without going in to too much detail today, I’ve struggled with depression all of my life. I don’t know what to boil it down to, but I’ve always been an anxiety-ridden, meek fellow with no motivation, drive or ambition to accomplish, well… much of anything really. I have difficulties expressing myself in front of most people and I always come off as overly polite, when I’m just a passive-aggressive mess of emotions that never spill out in to public, out of the fear of being judged. At least that’s my best guess.
Anyhow, there’s this girl that I like. Yes, I know, it always seems to boil down to a girl, doesn’t it? However, I don’t feel that the situation is at all typical, so let me explain. Her name is Kathleen. I’ve been really good friends with this person for the last seven years of my life or so, which I feel is a long time for somebody who has been on this Earth for such a short time, as it stands. We have… a bit of a history together. Earlier I said that I liked her. That is a gross under-statement. I love her, a lot. Throughout most of the time I’ve known her, I’ve been in a relationship with a girl named Marley – a person I also dearly loved and a person who broke up with me about five months ago. We were together for a grand sum of five years. However, throughout this relationship, there has always been a lot of tension between Kathleen and I. A lot. Even while I was with Marley, I had intensely deep feelings for her, but I also loved Marley and respected our relationship too much… even though I knew deep down that I wanted to be with Kathleen more. As for Kathleen? Her feelings were, and are, still incredibly intense and deep for me. No, my love for her wasn’t one-sided. We spent many late nights together talking, whether in person or over MSN, about our feelings for each-other. We never did anything except talk, so don’t get the wrong idea. I was taken and she was single, and she wanted to be with me very badly and vice-versa, but I couldn’t do it, the situation was complicated and I’m a fiercely loyal guy.
So you’re probably scratching your head right now, confused. What’s so difficult about the situation? My God, go get her, you fool! It’s perfect!
Not so.
About four years in to my previous relationship, Kathleen found somebody she was interested in. They got together and they’re still together to this day. I’m friends with him and I’ve known him for about as long as I’ve known Kathleen. Funny, right? Here’s the kicker: I’m the one that brought the two of them together. Their relationship has had its problems, but at the end of the day, they both love each-other. Kathleen’s feelings for me didn’t mysteriously vanish when they got together, though. She loves me as much as before, if not more than ever, but now the tables have turned – I’m single and unhappy, and she’s happily in a relationship. We still talk about it from time-to-time, most recently about a week ago. Reason being? Kathleen and her boyfriend, who both work for the same company, got a promotion and now they’re moving to a different city, eight hours away from here, at the beginning of October.
What else could I do? Your humble narrator poured his heart out. I invited her over to my place, we sat down and we talked, like we’ve done so much over the years. I told her that her moving was breaking my heart, that I loved her more than ever. I apologized to her for making her feel like a second choice, like a back-up plan, back when I was with Marley. I told her that, although I know it’s not going to happen, I would do anything, anything to be with her, that if only I had listened to my heart, we’d be happily together right now, like we’ve always thought and talked about.
Did she swoon? Yes, readers. She did. Was she troubled by it? Doubly so. She told me in response, that even though she loved me, and that she always has and always will, she also loved Trevor, and she was happily in a relationship with him. That, even though she wanted to reciprocate my feelings very badly, she couldn’t. She was in the same position as I was not too long ago, after all, and that I should understand. Which I did. She was moving to Calgary besides that, so what could she do? Her hands were tied.
I had anticipated the response, but I thought letting her know how I felt at the time would make me feel better. Believe me, folks, it didn’t. I’ve always been a down-on-my-luck, depressed kind of guy, but it gave me a wallop I won’t soon forget. You already know what they say about hindsight. I’ve been kicking myself in the ass for not respectfully breaking up with Marley years ago, when I clearly had stronger feelings for Kathleen. I half-regret bringing the two of them together and I only say half because I know that he’s making her happy, where she used to be a down-on-my-luck, depressed kind of girl. Better yet, I don’t know whether to be happy that she still has these feelings for me, or sad, because the only thing that’s keeping us from being together is one person.
You might be thinking, “Oh come on! There’s plenty of fish in the sea, my friend! Go find somebody else, it’s not the end of the world!”, Â but you’ve got to understand. I don’t easily fall for people. The only two people I have ever had deep feelings for in this life was… you guessed it, Marley and Kathleen. I don’t get along with people here, my behaviour and interests are so different from everybody else here and besides, I don’t want anybody else. I want her. It must sound almost ridiculous, oh faithful readers, especially since you know about my ex-relationship with Marley, but I’m serious. People don’t seem to think that it’s possible to love more than one person at once, which is, excuse my language, bull-shit. Loving more than one person doesn’t make you a bad person, it’s how you choose to act that makes you good or bad. Had I cheated on Marley while I was with her? By all means, off with my head. But I never came even close. Anyhow, I’m getting off-topic. I’m not one who bounces back easily. More than that, I’m not the kind of person that connects with people easily, it takes a lot for me. I’m not saying that I’m doomed to being single without her, but that’s not my point.
My point is, I don’t know what to do. I’ve never been… well, but right now I’m a complete mess. Thinking about it is driving me insane. What, oh faithful readers, should I do? Should I let it be, or should I appeal to her again and see if maybe I can make all that was wrong, right? Or would I be crossing too many boundaries if I tried to win her over? After all, there’s her boyfriend’s delicate feelings to consider, her love for him in the first place, and her future in Calgary. Is it truly as futile as I’m making it out to be? I’m at a hard place right now, my life feels like a shitty romantic comedy. Not even the hilariously bad ones, just the bad ones. You know, the ones that cast Owen Wilson and Jennifer Aniston together and expect us to give half a shit. But I digress. I just feel like… if I don’t try, she’s going to move to Calgary and she’s going to forget about me, even though we’re easily best friends. I’ll go from seeing her about… four days a week, to once a year, if that. Sounds overly-dramatic? I work in a dead-end retail job, I have no license and I barely make enough to get by, so visiting often is very unrealistic. I feel that, any chance I’ve ever had with her will vanish instantly, and I’ll never get a chance to know her on an intimate level. Seriously, am I living in a shitty romantic comedy right now? I can almost picture running up to her as she’s about to fly away on an airplane, pleading with her to stay and live with me, pleading with her because I love her and need her and can’t bear to see her go. This is retarded.
Anyway… for those of you who actually slogged through this childish shit-fest, thanks. I know I don’t deserve pity, consideration and especially not the special girl I mentioned all throughout this post, because I could have had everything but I left myself with nothing. I honestly feel like I’ll never find someone as amazing as her ever again, because she really is special. One-of-a-kind. Hell, one-in-a-billion. I’ve never met someone more pleasant and good-natured in my life, and besides, we like ALL of the same things, she’s such a dork like I am. Maybe somebody will read this and know my feelings exactly. Maybe not. Maybe I’ll be met with people shaking their heads, waiting to tell me to get a real problem.
ANYHOW, there’s that. Jesus, I know how to rant. I’m torn up enough at my regret and not having her. The fact that she’s moving in away in general is bad enough.
2 comments
Hey Justin. I just want to let you know that I somewhat understand your situation, although I’ve never been there myself (but I’ve been somewhere similar). I know you’re kicking yourself now about making the mistake of staying with your now ex-girlfriend. You can’t regret the decision you’ve made; I think it’s a commendable choice. The thing is, even though you both love each other, you’ve got to let her make her own decision. By all means, make your case and let her know how much she means to you but you cannot change her mind. If it means having to move on, you may have to do that even if it kills you inside. Life is hard, full of ups and downs, but you’ll make it until you find someone who’s in a good position to love you back.
Hi Justin, Indeed it’s a complicated situation but there are choices left. My advice would be, of course you don’t have to take it 100% accomplishable, but here it is:
I think she might eventually come ‘back’ to you. You know why? Because you are in a better position than your ‘rival’. Love is altered when the daily routine intervene. For that matter, your love for her will remain unaltered. No matter what, don’t act as a desperate person, although I know it can be hard. Don’t ever say to her something like: I can never live life without you. At least not now. Better you take off when she leave. Try to be concise. Let things happen! Try to be happy for her! She might come back to you.