suggestions.

I’ve been cutting for over 40 years.YES, that makes me OLD ; )I am 51 and started self-abuse at 11.I tried various methods until I found cutting to be my favorite.It is a habit – an addiction – that I do not choose to give up.I don’t think I could if I tried.When my head is exploding and my world is spinning out of control and all I want is to die, cutting makes it all better.Feeling the warm blood pour out, watching the crimson liquor slide out and run down my skin, makes everything slow down.It makes me feel warm inside and very calm.Especially if there is enough blood to pool on the floor, enough that I can lay my face in it or lay down near or on it and put my hand in it.I’m a very private cutter – I learned that young.If you let people know you cut they try to stop you! (duh)They take you to doctors, preachers, shrinks, etc. or put you in mental hospitals or on meds.Cutting is all the meds I need.And I’m GOOD at it.I can put a basketball size pool of blood on the floor without requiring stitches.Practice makes Perfect.Like I said, I am very private.I do not show anyone that I have cut – unless I have fucked up and I need stitches, and then I only show the nice people at the clinic that sew me up.I do not tell anyone that I have cut.I do not show anyone that I have cut.I cut, I feel better, I nurse and nurture the wound until it is healed, then it is done.For the time being.I also do not tell people I cut.Only people extremely close to me know about it.Your friend probably feels helpless or responsible or guilty or angry – who knows.My friends think if they are GOOD friends then I should not need to cut.It has nothing to do with them.I don’t know the relationship you have with your friend or how he found out but if you want to maintain your relationship with him I advise you to explain to him that the cutting is your own personal form of therapy and that it has nothing to do with him.He did not cause it. He cannot “make it better”. He cannot stop you.It is a very private personal way that you cope and it has nothing to do with him in any way.There is an excellent book called “Cutting” and I bought a copy for my therapist, my husband, and my 3 best friends.I highlighted the parts that applied to ME.It explained the many aspects and reasons for cutting and the effects it has on the cutter, etc. relating in a hundred different ways and 100 different people.Not every cutter is the same. We don’t all cut for the same reasons.We don’t all cut the same way. We don’t all have the same reactions.But it is a very practical and informative book.I highlighted all the parts that explained ME and MY CUTTING, then gave the books to the people I bought them for.I told them that reading the book was mandatory if they wanted to be in my life.After reading the book, everyone but 1 friend had a better understanding of what I do and why.They all chilled out a bit, realizing they had NOTHING to do with it.They were experiencing helplessness, guilt, anger, disgust, and so on.Everyone wanted to be “the ONE” who saved me and made me quit.But after reading the book they all realized they couldn’t do a damn thing to help or change me.I have never promised anyone that I would not cut again.I have only promised that I would TRY to not cut, and that if I committed suicide it would not be by cutting.Any other promise would be a lie.I hope you find a solution to your problem with your friend.If you are not an Attention Cutter, you may be able to make him understand that it is an addiction and a way of coping and has no reflection on him.Just don’t lie to him about it anymore.If he loves you – as a friend or a lover – he should accept you and all your flaws (he can consider cutting a flaw – just like smoking or chewing your nails).Knowing that he has not caused you to cut and that he cannot stop you from cutting may help ease his anger, guilt, whatever.Good Luck.* ‘Cutting’ comes in paperback and came out in 2000 or 2001 I think.I was working in a bookstore then and found it fresh off the publisher’s list of new titles