So, being sick and tired of my life I decided to do something about it, or rather, try again. Not try to make it better but just to end it. After all, since there’s no meaningful purpose to my life I figured there wasn’t any point in prolonging the pain and suffering.
I had bought all I needed for “BBQ for one” (carbon monoxide poisoning) and went to the outhouse to prepare.
Here I fired up under the charcoal and had it be nice and glowing to emit maximum nice and deadly CO.
I had the coal in a chimney starter and was standing outside the outhouse.. All I needed to do was go inside with the chimney starter full of red hot charcoal, put it down on a noncombustible surface, sit down and wait..
But I couldn’t do it! I simply couldn’t bring myself to end it.
Eventually I dumped all the coal in a puddle and went back to the house and called the doctor for an appointment.
At the doctors’ we talked for some time, and he sent me to the psych ward.
Now, this was my first visit to a psych ward ever, and a quite unique experience at that.. After driving there and waiting for about an hour 3 persons came – a doctor, a secretary and a medicine student.
The doctor asked all sorts of questions but evidently hadn’t taken a look at my file so I had to fill him in from scratch. We talked for about an hour; the essence was that unless I had concrete plans for suicide and the intention on executing on it, they really couldn’t do anything to help me; they kept referring me back to my physician (“if you feel worse, contact your physician or urgent care”; “if you feel you need time away from work, discuss with your physician”; “you should talk to your physician on changing medications”).. Um, hello? I am here, asking you for help?
I had heard talks of psych wards not being very effective but dismissed it as hearsay, but this was an affirming experience here..
Just to elaborare; I did not mention my attempt earlier that the day; I did mention this plan when the psych doctor asked but not that I had done it. I knew that if I did so I would be involuntarily committed and I could not bear having at least some control over my whereabouts. So what did I expect? Well, perhaps more than “Go away and come back when you’re really ready to kill yourself”.
Seems like I will switch away from Zoloft (apparently does not work at all for me) and go to Effexor. Anyone have experiences with Effexor they want to share?