It’s warm out this evening. There’s a slightly warm breeze that brings with it the smell of over-ripened peppers from the field across the street. As I’m sitting on the top stair in the entryway to our house, I realize that it’s the last evening of August. As expected, I become melancholy that Summer is coming to a close. Suddenly I feel a surge of panic. How did the days pass me by so quickly? What did I do? I can’t remember doing much of anything. Another Summer gone by; wasted away. I stand up and walk to the end of our driveway, looking towards the setting sun. Bright orange. Light pink and purple sky. Not a cloud in sight. I watch the sun sink behind the trees in the distance. It was over before I had time to process it. Much like everything in my life lately. I felt like crying, but was unable to. And then a bug flew up my nose.
I’m nervous about a lot of things as of late. Most of all I’m nervous about the impending doom and gloom I’ll have to face – seasonal depression. I get depressed, without fail, at the end of every Summer. The thought of the long nights and warm days being over so quickly and expecting the cold, dark, bleakness of Winter terrifies me. I could possibly handle Winter better if everything wasn’t so dead and cold and windy. Ugh, that freezing wind that cuts through you like a knife. I actually enjoy Fall. I like to see the leaves change. I love Halloween. Pretty much everything after October 31 I absolutely dread. Enough about that, though. I didn’t really come here to post about my seasonal depression. There are some other things that I’ve been trying to deal with. Mostly by crying. I’m good at that.
So, back in June I went to a doctor for persistent headaches which coincided with dizzy spells. Usually when I stood up from a sitting position I would become dizzy to the point of blacking out and my vision would go black and fuzzy. This is called Orthostatic Hypotension; which is fancy term for low blood pressure after a change in body position. It’s totally normal, everyone gets this from time to time. Though I was experiencing it on a daily basis and multiple times per day, sometimes it happened without changing my position from sitting to standing. I just couldn’t figure out why it was happening. The drop in blood pressure seemed to cause severe headaches. My head would just immediately start pounding. Typically my headaches/dizzy spells occurred during certain times of the day, like, in the morning or after dinner. For a couple of days in a row I had the worst headache I’ve ever had in my entire life. I couldn’t even describe it. It was just the worst pain I’ve ever experienced. This began to worry me. I also felt really lethargic and just generally unwell. I was getting terrible mood swings and periods of uncontrollable crying. Extreme agitation at times. Overwhelming anxiety. I felt like my body was trying to warn me that something wasn’t right. A couple of people told me that it was probably just stress that brought on the headaches and that nothing was actually wrong with me. But I insisted on going to a doctor because I needed to find out why this was happening and what could be causing all of it.
I did find a new doctor (my previous doctors were any combination of rude, creepy, or utter quacks) and this was my first visit with him. He seemed to be interested and concerned, to my surprise. But he mostly focused on the fact that I was depressed. I didn’t mean to open up that can of worms, but I think he asked me if I was depressed and I was honest. He suggested I see a psychologist (I haven’t). That’s when I was prescribed generic versions of Zoloft and Xanax and some migraine medication. Which I remember telling a few people on here. Well, I’m not working and I’m under my dad’s insurance so I can’t afford expensive medications and such. He wanted me to get some blood tests done to check for hypoglycemia or diabetes and a CT scan of my head (which I never got the scan). And he sent me to a specialist, which was very costly, because I had a separate problem with my ears. I took my meds for a short time and then stopped taking them because I didn’t like how I felt on them. I’m really against medication in general – but that’s a topic best saved for another post.
In the beginning of July I picked a day to get my blood tests done. One of the tests, which is called a ‘glucose tolerance test’, takes 5 hours. Which the lovely MISS Karen from the doctor’s office likes to dispute as being strictly 4 hours. I was there from 8am to 1pm… maybe you could tell me how many hours that equates to. Apparently I don’t know how to count. Regardless, 4 or 5 hours translates into the same thing – a long ass time. But Miss Karen, bucket of rainbows and sunshine that she is, didn’t seem to understand that that was the point. Anyway, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself. The day I was going to get that test done I had 2 hours of sleep the night before because I had a terrible migraine and was afraid to take anything since I thought it would effect my test. I went anyway and when I got called back the phlebotomist looked at my paperwork and said she couldn’t do my 5 hour test because she was leaving work early that day. So I got half of it done. Which I’m really grateful for now because I had 5 tubes of blood taken from that test alone and the 5 hour one is also 5 tubes. I’m pretty sure I would have went through some kind of hell that day from lack of sleep and blood and an excruciating headache. So at the end of the week I went back, fully rested and fasted, for the best 5 hours of my entire life. When I got there she took a tube fresh from a 12 hour fast. And then I had to drink an 8oz bottle of sickeningly sweet fruit punch flavored glucose crap. Honestly, I’ve never downed a drink so fast in my life. I don’t know how I did it, because it was so disgusting, but I did. Then I had to wait an hour before getting another tube of blood taken. And another, and so on, until I was able to leave at 1pm and could finally eat.
Have you made it this far in my post? I know it’s a long one. Thanks for taking the time to read it. It’ll be over soon.
Okay, so, I wasn’t supposed to go back to the doc for another couple of months. I thought they’d call me up and tell me the results of my blood tests, good or bad, but they didn’t. August 22 rolls around – my appointment date – and I’m nervous about going back. I’m afraid of being scrutinized by the doc over my ‘mental and emotional state’. I don’t feel like answering questions about the meds and blah blah. I just really wanted to know what my results were. Well, I was in luck, he completely forgot about prescribing me anything and he didn’t ask me how I was feeling. He got right to the point of my tests. He told me at the two and three hour mark of the glucose test that my blood sugar dropped pretty low. One of the tests, which was a thyroid screening, determined that my thyroid was over-active. His diagnosis was hypoglycemia and hyperthyroidism. Which accounts for all of my symptoms over the past few months. It explains why I’ve lost so much weight in such a short time, and why I continue to lose it despite lack of effort. I think I felt relieved at finally having answers, so relieved that I ignored the fact that they didn’t even call me to tell me that something was wrong, that I could have had this taken care of a lot sooner… until later. He referred me to yet another specialist. And then he said, “you won’t need to take anymore tests”. He said the specialist would go over diet and different things with me. He said he would fax over my results. He said he could treat hypothyroidism but not hyper. Sounds like a load of bull to me, personally. Then he rushed me out the door.
I went to the specialist, I’ll call her Slone, on Monday the 27th. Slone… Sloney… cooked Salami. She was short and stout and had short bleached blonde hair to her chin. Her face was burnt red except for two round white areas around her too-close-together eyes, from sunglasses, obviously. And her arms were extremely dark from over-tanning with a lot of sun spots, much like cooked salami. Anyway, she was a very abrasive, curt, and rude woman. She said that, “you can’t choose your parents”, right in front of one of my parents in a way that was like it’s shit about them, those fuckers gave you bad genetics. In defense of my parents, they didn’t choose those genetics either. Truth of it is, how many people think about the genes they could be passing on to their children? It’s 50/50 – you may or may not have crappy genetics. She went on to assume that I must have Type 2 diabetes, when, if anything, a hypoglycemic is more than likely to have Type 1. She told me that I “wouldn’t be this thin forever”. Which is merely an assumption and in any case, if she even looked at my blood tests the doctor supposedly sent over, she’d see that I have an over-active thyroid which causes you to lose weight. She didn’t even look at my blood work and the idiots (Miss Karen Rainbows) didn’t send over the last page with my glucose test results. Luckily I had it with me, and she copied it. She glanced at it really quickly and said, “it’s not definitive enough – I want you to take another blood test”. It was like I went into shock. My thoughts had been completely erased. I had prepared myself with questions for this visit and suddenly they became completely irrelevant. I uttered my disappointment at the thought of another test. The rest of the visit was me absentmindedly agreeing with things I didn’t agree with. She told me to eat only protein and no more carbohydrates, at all. Which, if you don’t know, carbohydrates turn into sugar (glucose) in your body and it gives you energy to keep going. These are good for a hypoglycemic, since their blood sugar drops too low. But they have to take them in moderation to avoid a blood sugar crash later on.
I left her office feeling confused and then the anger set in. How could a 5 hour test not be definitive enough? What if this next test isn’t “definitive” enough for her? Then what? And almost everything has carbs, what the hell am I supposed to eat? She didn’t tell me to eat a balanced diet, oh no, she told me to stop eating foods that I’ve been eating for 21 years. Easier said than done. And she was so rude, I didn’t trust her to treat me or feel comfortable around her at all. I’ve been debating with myself and crying about this for nearly a week, and I’ve finally decided – FUCK IT. I’m not taking another fucking blood test. I’m not going back to see Salami’s bitchy face ever again. I’m no longer confused. I’ve got my answers, which cost a fortune, mind. NO MORE. Thanks US medical system, but no thanks. You won’t continue to milk this cow dry. (Did I just call myself a cow?). I’m a thinking, feeling human being; I should be treated humanely and these bastards just toss you around, take your money, and then crush you like dirt under their feet. I’ve been doing a lot of research and I can pretty much take it from here. I am not their pawn. So, that’s that. For now.
In other news, I filled out an application to this candle place and I might get a seasonal job. They start hiring in September, so I guess I’ll see if I get a call back. Seasonal is better than nothing, eh? I could use the money, though. Christ, this is the longest post I’ve ever written on here. haha. Sorry to those that read all of this shit. Also, thanks, I guess. You’re awesome. Good night.
5 comments
i read the whole thing ^^ youre very poetic, and intriguing. youre the kind of person id love to get to know 🙂
Hi Good Girl. I too read your entire post. I can totally empathise with how you feel about the conventional medical treatments that get handed out, and the off-hand manner in which you were treated. There is a definite lack of respect and humanity which is endemic in the practice of conventional medicine, because at the end of the day, people tend to be viewed as a collection of symptoms rather than approached respectfully as a complex and multifaceted human being.
I acknowledge that there are many good and conscientious practitioners, but those are often among the first to deplore the poor practice that so many of us ‘patients’ endure at some point in our lives. By any standards you’ve been unlucky with your treatment. The salami lady sounds like an absolute horror of callousness and rudeness.
I can also understand the melancholy you feel at the end of summer, knowing the effect of the onset of winter on your emotional state. I hope that at least you can try and stay ‘in the now’ enogh to enjoy the beauty of autumn (I am biased here, as it’s my favourite season of all…I am fortunate not to suffer from SAD as so many depressives do).
Then there is the inevitable sense of loss and grief which comes with realising you have not just one, but several health conditions. You’re a resourceful young woman, though, and I know you will be doing your research to find the best ways to maximise your chances of recovery from the worst symptoms…the dizzy spells, migraines and loss of weight for instance.
It’s asking a hell of a lot to tell you to give up carbs completely! As a lover of good food and a long-term strict vegetarian, that would have been virtually impossible for me though I guess I would have had to ‘suck it up’ if it helped the condition. Hopefully your research will indicate a more reasonable and balanced approach to diet thatn what this frightful ‘specialist’ ordained. Otherwise she is just setting you up to, basically, fail. And maybe end up losing even more weight.
Regarding the meds for your psychiatric symptoms, I also sympathise with your desire to do without them if you possibly can. Meds are a very personal thing to each individual. There is no one size fits all when it comes to treating conditions like anxiety and depression. All I would say is, if you choose not to take them, you need to take other steps to optimise your wellness. Diet (maybe including vitamin/mineral supplements), exercise, talking therapy, yoga and bodywork can all be helpful. I’m sure, though, that you are already aware of this, but i do speak from the experience of having taken meds and abstained from them at different points in my life.
My thoughts are with you at this difficult time, Good Girl. You are an excellent writer by the way: I loved the poetic melancholy of your description of ‘the last sunset of August’ and the feelings it engenders.
Love, Zoe xx
hey honey, thanks for letting us know what’s going on.
I’m really sorry about all of this. And if anyone else tries to blame your parents for giving you shit genes, tell them that it’s really just because there is sugar in EVERYTHING, more young people are developing diabetes than ever, and its the culmalative effect of generally shitty overprocessed food in USA.
I have a canadian friend, like you developed diabetes in her 20s and it was really eye opening seeing. But it IS manageable.
Since I became vegetarian when I was 15, I spent a good few years living on bread and chocolate. And then it was a real wake up call, the prospect of diabetes, so I had to really look at my diet and change the way I look at food. It IS possible. I’ve gone from someone who lived on meat to vegetarian, then vegan, then raw food, now I’m trying gluten-free…. And it really does make a huge difference in how you feel.
I highly recommend cutting carbs out of your diet, I notice a big difference, I feel a lot better… these days my usual meal plan is fruit for breakfast, a big salad with nuts, seeds, avocado, olives and sundried tomatos for lunch and maybe roast vegetables and beans or lentils for dinner. I know how hard it is reframing the way you look at food, but you gotta do it… especially if you don’t want to go back to the doctor.
Having said that… you should go to the doctor. It will only get worse. And I know how bad healthcare is but… well you don’t have a choice. Unless you can find a canadian to marry.
Think about it?
hmmm a few thoughts on this, omg this is long, is it over yet, can I really read all the way through this…oh wait no not those thoughts. Well since you were diagnosed with diabetes and you said you do have medical coverage get one of those home test kits, with the finger poker things so you can check it whenever you want. Should always have something on hand that will give you a quick sugar boost if you get to low.
The diet issue is a bit trickier, I mean sure a high protein diet is totally feasible but why do we eat so much carbs in the first place, because they are cheap and easy. Cutting out carbs and trying to meet your daily calorie needs on just protein is expensive! Which is probably something you already know and hate, since you live with your parents and probably hate the thought of asking them to buy more expensive foods to meet your special diet requirements. Also because of your thyroid condition and the fact that you want to gain some weight back, you have to eat even more calories then you normally should which is just even that much more expensive.
I would check out fitness forums and even bodybuilding sites for ideas on meal planning, I know body building sounds like a weird suggestion but those guys build their lives around 2 things, training and nutrition so just read up on the nutrition parts 🙂
Also you might want to research the ketogenic diet, it isn’t something I have any personal experience with, but the idea itself is at least interesting and if you can fuel your body off of fat calories rather then just straight protein then that at least brings down the cost of food a lot.
Protein drinks as snacks would of course be a good thing in your situation but then again is the problem that those aren’t cheap. Haha I suddenly have the image of GG sitting up in her room eating tuna straight out of the can and muttering about dumb doctors, and diabetes 😛
When you try to cut carbs though you really have to plan it out everyday, because there are so few things you can actually eat. They put that damn high fructose corn syrup in everything lol. just figure out what your target is for daily calories and try to find a way to just divide that equally into however many meals you want to eat each day, some people recommend as many as 5 or 6 smallish meals throughtout the day for a more consistent energy level and what not, rather then the 2 or 3 large ones we are accustomed to but then again that is just even more effort and planning for all those meals and most of us are to lazy.
Sad thing is it always just comes back to money if you have plenty of money to spend all this is easy.
Thank you so much Zoe, CharlieMarbles, What, and one_day for commenting. And complimenting. Poetic? Excellent writer? :] Thanks.
I’ve been feeling very antisocial all day, and I don’t think I have it in me to respond in length to all of your comments.
I will clarify something, though. I haven’t been diagnosed with diabetes. Hypoglycemia can be a precursor to diabetes and it doesn’t help that it runs in my family. It’s possible that someday I could develop diabetes, and there might be nothing I can do about that. Except for managing my diet and keeping my weight down… for the rest of my life. haha. Basically, if I gain a lot of weight, I’m more than likely to get Type 2. Or considering my combo of hypoglycemia and hyperthyroid, I could go the other way and get Type 1 (the insulin injecting one). So, for right now, I’m not technically a diabetic.
It’s all really overwhelming to think about. And I worry and stress easily, which doesn’t help. I’m facing a lot of changes and I’m not good with change. It takes me ages to adapt to the *idea* of a change. Let alone having to make so many at once? As Zoe said – there’s the inevitable sense of loss and grief that comes from realizing I have “diseases”. Just when I thought the loss and grief had ended and I was finally moving on from the ones in the past, here’s some more for good measure. It’s a lot to think about and I don’t feel much like thinking.
Anyway, thanks for your kind words. I appreciate them. <3