lol. heres where I’ve finally decided that everyone probably hates me. I will kill myself in a way that i can’t hurt others around me. Selfless action but yet again so selfish.
1. there are four people who i think actually love me
-my brother, well he does but not really. he uses me and manipulates me most of the time to get what he wants. i love him but love is mutual lol
-my mother, she is distant from our family. she just supports me financial. it seems like it takes a pull of hair to even get out and see me at a basketball game.
-my father, he tries really hard to be a good dad. which he is. and he does love me. he will be the hardest person to try and get over so i can blow my brains out
-best friend kinds- me and him been kinda distant, feel really homo talking about it. wow yea i should just stop. not that i have anything against homes. Atleast they can give and perceive love.
2. The history that destroyed my life
It seems if you had the highlights of my life in a book you would be like wow this kid has it good and his problems are not that bad. You would be right. Thats why i am mad at myself and why no one can really love me. Because i don’t even love myself. I mean thats why people are born right? to love and be loved.
-during elementary school i had a slight crush on this girl. her name was jenna. she was beautiful but i never talked to her because i was scared. This continues today. probably 1/6 th reason why i will kill myself.
-during middle school i was bullied and shit on by everyone cuz i was weak and fat/tall. people never respected me. i made only one friend. everyone seems to have a bad time in middle school so i guess this really doesn’t effect me as much as i think it does
-high school * I had impulsive anger problems anti social personality sweating disfunction’s (well i was a fatfuck) emotional distress and above all else no friends. i acted out in class and got bad grades and study habits. oh yea forgot to tell you I’m 6’8 and black and i didn’t even play basketball. oh and i decided to tryout my senior year and i made it. best thing i ever done in my life. guess what? i wasted my whole life. basketball was my passion and i never applied myself at all. Why? who the fuck knows. Its too late to play college ball in Indiana even though i still practice a fuck ton. Cant jump worth a shit and no footwork on the defensive end. anyways yea fml
-high school** the girl of my dreams. her name was rosanne(not her real name but go with it) she was so fucking beautiful. some people would say she’s not that hot and it made me want to jump off an airplane into spiky needles. anyways, i flirted with her sophomore not knowing what the fuck I’m doing and i scared her off kinda sorta. oh yea how did i do this? i told her id rape her(as a joke) haha yea i know blow my head off please. i sniffed eye liner in front of her(class clown), jumper over tables, acted like a ****** obnoxiously, etc. so after all that i finally realize that i love her. it was puppy love at first but then it grew into something that became my alter ego. I would do anything for her. i would easily die for her. easily. dude why didn’t you just tell her how you feel? ha. funny. she got a boyfriend junior year just before prom when i was going to ask her. but don’t blame anyone else for this besides me, cuz i WASNT GOING TO FUCKING ASK HER ANYWAYS CUZ IM A STUPID FUCKING ANTISOCIAL ****** WHO DOES NOTHING WITH HIS LIFE. anyways after she got a boyfriend i started to really think about killing myself. This is when it started to get bad
***highschool- indiana sun, i wake up, take a shower and wipe my fatass, brush my teeth, get on some shit clothes and drive to school. yea I’m fucking spoiled , just another thing about me thats makes this story so fucking stupid. after 2nd block I see her and her boyfriend hugging and talking right outside my class. i look at them but not for too long. i know she sees me in the corner of her eye at least once. i mean she had 2 I’m a big black stupid fuck. oh she’s white btw. her bf was a fucking basketball star. id kill him in a 1v1 and if i did lose ID BLOW HIS FUCKING FACE IN WITH A SHOTGUN. i wanted to be him though for obvious reasons. Senior year she asked me at the locker bay saying have you found a date yet for prom. don’t get ur hopes up, she was trying to help me find one. she asked her friend but she said no lol. same day this one girl told me i was a fatass. my basketball teammate told me how do you let her say that to you. She was just another whore, thought id share that with you. anyways i found a date for prom, she liked me after but i pushed her away cuz i know theres only one girl for me and thats roxanne or whatever the fuck her alias name is. oh yea all the locations are fake 2.
Yea so know I’m here in college. bunch of drunk sluts but i have no game so i can’t fuck them. to antisocial to even attempt. I’m dying slowly in this life. Venting can only do so much. I’m weak lol. only way to conclude this story.  my problems aren’t that bad but I’m just too much of a ***** to get over it. everyone knows I’m a bum ass ***** anyways. therapy hasn’t helped only address the actual problem which doesn’t do shit.  I’m just nothing close to what  a man should be. Look at me using self-pity as a vent. So worthless and shameful. if roxanne ever sees this message and can see through my cover up of alias and shit i just want her to know that
She is my one and only true love. I love her with all my heart. I want her to be happy more than anything. I would die for her. i would sacrifice my limbs for her. i wouldn’t cut off my dick for her but maybe I’m not sure about that one…. Even though i know she doesn’t love me, another hug would hold me over for at least 5 years. just one hug. not some half hug. a 6 sec juicy tasty hug so i can smell her hair against lips and look at her after and say wow you look beautiful.
but none of this will ever happen cuz its not reality. I will kill myself and burn in hell or whatever the opposite of heaven is. i let lust envy and anger get the best of me. I’m in the devils hands now. I’m sorry God i have failed you. i only ask one thing of you. Please let her gain eternal happiness with you. i love her. please make her happy so i can finally learn to love myself after i am dead.
2 comments
You sound allot like me in high school, ive had allot of those problems and battled deppression for many,many years my e-mail is big_security@hotmail.com if you wanna talk
lol heavy stuff man. theres nothing wrong with lust, if there is im fucked!