More often than not, I think about what really drives me to wake up every morning. Is it the fact that my mom, a beautiful image of a once glamorous singer, wakes me up to kiss me and bring me breakfast in bed every morning? Is it my adorable boyfriend who still spits the image of an angelic baby, yet strikes me as a mature young man? Is it the compliments I get from my teachers each time a class would end? I really don’t know. All I know is that I haven’t really been happy. For the past year, I’ve woken up to the same things and felt normal. Somehow, though, within the past few months, I’ve seemed to regained  a certain vulnerability that I had once possessed.
About 5 years ago, I was a secretly miserable and anorexic girl. All this was hidden. I hid it all with a smile, a laugh, and a song. I was gifted with a voice that somehow hid the pain. Each time I sang, people noticed me, and this seemed to make people think that I was okay, when I felt like the most worthless object in this world. I was nothing but a voice. One of the girls in my class, a close friend of mine, did not know what I was going through, but she had told a teacher about my peculiar eating habits. Teachers began to watch me eat during lunchtime. I felt like a watched prey. I was forced to eat normally. Eventually, I began to lie and tell everyone that I’ve recovered. I actually believed it. I thought I was cured.
Now, I think all I’ve done was suppress whatever it was that had possessed me to become like this. I’m slowly becoming the person I was 5 years ago, when all seemed to go toward a downward spiral for me. I feel ugly again, despite the fact that I get told that I’m beautiful by so many people. I’m not bragging, especially when deep inside me, I feel as if none of that is real. I slap a layer of foundation to hide my terrible skin and concealer to hide those sleepless nights when all I’ve done was cry.
Just last year I was blessed to be the lead of the school production. I felt so damn beautiful that day. I was applauded. I was praised. I was… loved. And yet, it was short-lived. I had received news that it was the best of all the productions that had been shown, and yet the happiness did not seem to last me more than a few hours. Within a couple of days, I felt ugly again. Unloved.
If I was living such a blessed life, then why am I being like this? I have so many reasons. People say I’m just so damn dramatic, but I can never express in words the pain that truly infects my heart. I began to cut again. I thought I just did it to die, but actually, there are days when I don’t want to die. I just want to distract myself. Take the pain away from my chest and inflict it someplace else. It works all the time. Yesterday, I felt like I really did want to die, and yet I could not cut myself.
I had a conversation with a friend that night. He feels the exact same way. We’re in very different situations, and yet we are haunted by the same pain. We tell eachother to hold on. In all honesty, I am trying… I’m trying because I know that there are people that love me, even though at times I don’t feel it. If I feel so much pain, then why be selfish and inflict it on those that love me? I will try to hold on as much as I can. I will survive. I will live like I keep singing on.
4 comments
You can make it through.
I promise you this.
I’m sorry you feel so verry ugly. I know people say that you are not, but in my own eyes, people are not ugly. I’m blind and so I don’t understand people’s look. I have been blind my whole life.
Does singing make you happy? If so, keep doing that. I myself love music and it makes me happy for a time. But like you, I just fall into the same old bad feelings again.
If ever you want to talk to anyone, feel free to email me. My email is brl.cents@gmail.com
Thank you for that comment, blindaudio. For some reason that made me feel a little better. It does make me feel happy, because it’s a part of who I am.. but then something just comes over me and forces all the positive energy and feelings out. Thank you for the support.
My french is a little rusty, but is your name supposed to be “the beauty of the moon”? If it is, I imagine it must often be mistook for “labelled elune”. Unless that’s what you were going for, of course.
I was going through posts on this site for a while and your’s was the only one I felt I related to, at least in one way. For the last two years, more on then off, I haven’t wanted to by alive. I feel like that too, if not for the music I made, I would be nothing and have nothing to offer anyone. I always felt that after this next session, after this next song, after this next show, people will appreciate me and I’ll actually feel good about myself for once. It never happened. It was always the artist on stage, owhose name was in the song or album title who got all the love, the fans etc. At the same time, I was starting to get really good at what I did, which was produce/compose instrumentals as well as the vocals. I had the opportunity to…. let’s just say make it in the music business at one point but I couldn’t come through at the time. I wasn’t especially disappointed at the time because I knew I could be a lot better and wanted to focus on developing my skills.
This was a couple of years ago, when I had just turned 20. And pretty much my entire sense of worth was based on my own perceived quality of the music I made. This eventually stressed me out to the point where I could no longer write anything. It got to the point where the thought of being in the studio or even near a keyboard was terrifying. Luckily at this point I started practicing MMA which temporarily made me feel a lot better about myself and gave me a lot to do with my time.
Then I started overtraining. 2 hours a day, 7 days a week. Plus I’m an insomniac/narcoleptic. So things got really bad. I was pretty much in a daze for a few weeks, even though I thought I felt fine, I was falling asleep randomly for seconds at a time without even realizing it, and just doing things I wouldn’t have done. I ended up permanently cutting ties with some good people. This was back in May. I stopped training for a month and no matter how hard I try I can’t motivate myself to get back to the gym…
Back in August, I was at a video shoot for one of my artists. He mentioned a few weeks before that he wanted me in the video. So I’m there most of the day and find out at the end I’m not in it. I’m not sure why he even invited me to the shoot. It didn’t actually bother me that much but I hadn’t slept much the last few days and I was trying to network with some people and just kept saying a bunch of stupid shit. I got home and decided I should erase the hard drive with all my files on it which I hadn’t backed up in almost two years for some (stupid) reason. I’d wanted to do that back in May as well, but I didn’t. So I’ve pretty much given up on music. I posted a screenshot to Facebook showing the conformation that the hard drive was erased but either nobody looked at it or they didn’t know what it was referring to.
The funny thing is I feel less depressed since then, or at least I feel better about myself in general. But I just feel completely apathetic to being alive. Or rather I find it generally unpleasant and feel nothing but anxiety. There’s really nothing I want out of life, and even the superficial stuff like my car or whatever just isn’t enough to motivate me. The only reason I didn’t kill myself a long time ago is because I can’t do that to my family. And that’s still the only reason I’m not doing it.
Oh yeah, the reason I don’t have any self esteem is because I was bullied a lot as a kid. From when I was 10-13. But when I was 12 I started making friends and was in a few bands cause I was a pretty good drummer, but the guy I hung out with the most would always make fun of me. I was just happy to have friends so I would make fun of myself also. It eventually became a habit and inevitable I would eventually have no sense of self value and ironically because of this, except for a couple of people I have no friends since I can’t maintain relationships.
It’s not that I have insurmountable problems. As long as I’m willing to work hard I can easily deal with all the issues in my life. It’s just that I really don’t care, like there’s nothing left inside of me.
To be honest, I don’t entirely know why I’m on this site or even posting this. I’m not really looking for sympathy, some catharsis would have been nice but that’s not happening. I wouldn’t mind talking to people but I can’t imagine that being productive. Regardless, my email is icicle_tusk@hotmail.com
Thanks for listening.
Thank you so much, IcicleTusk. Feeling empty, feeling worthless, feeling like you have no value… That is EXACTLY how I feel right now. I don’t know why I get reclusive and I begin to push people away, but I can really never keep friends. Some people like me, but I always get replaced by someone better. I turn to music, but sometimes, nothing is enough.