I’ve set my date. It’s tomorrow.
I’ve set it so many times before. I keep putting it off. Dragging my feet. But life isn’t looking like sparkles anytime soon. Well, not life in general. Just me. Life could be sparkles. I don’t think I can see it again though. I’ve lost the art of experiencing joy. There’s no point not living; existing and living are two different things, and I can’t bear the former. Can’t walk the edge of the knife forever. Have to choose a side at some point.
When I look out the window, it’s fall. Fall is my favorite season. The air is crisp, and I used to do my favorite thing to do in the whole world: step on crunchy leaves. There was something so very satisfying hearing each individual leaf crackle as I deliberately stomped on each one on my walks out. It makes me sad that I don’t do that anymore.
It rained last night. I could hear the rain fall as I laid in bed thinking about the details of what and how. The rain was nice; I love the sunny California weather, but every day of the same thing gets pretty boring. And there’s always been something mystical and beautiful about water falling from the sky.
Today I saw something I’ve never seen before. Clouds in the same frame of vision moving two different directions, criss-crossing but not colliding. Cirrus, and cumulus. Different layers of the stratosphere, little droplets choosing different directions, riding different winds. I guess it’s one new thing I’ll see before I go.
I couldn’t figure out what to do about practical things. Things like who’s going to take care of my stuff. Who’s going to find my body. Who’s going to call my parents. I realize even after months of deliberation, they’re just things I won’t be prepared for. I’ll never feel quite ready. But that’s how life is, too. You do what you can. Unfortunately, I can’t do too much at the moment. I’m going to have someone text me on Thursday. I told him to call the police if I don’t respond by the end of the day. I’ve threatened suicide enough for him not to take me seriously, and when he does text and I don’t respond: Voila, mission accomplished. I really hope I stick it though. Existing like this, is just plain embarrassing.
For C; I found this in my drafts box cleaning out my email. This is for you.
There are so many things I love about life.
The way people laugh and reflections after rain on the concrete, watermelons and strawberries and fresh air
the sparkling ocean and warm hands and fond gazes
dancing because music is wonderful
the way words rhyme and the way people rhyme
But the life I live now is not living at all
I dream about you more often these past few days
About smiling with you and remembering what it felt like to be happy
I wish you a very happy life
25 comments
@ Jjigirl, you’re going to make me cry. You seem to be such an intelligent and sweet person that once was full of life… I don’t know if it’s intrusive but I could call you if you wanted to speak to someone.
I don’t know if that post where Jabbawabba wrote in was deleted but I can’t find it. It was like 10 pages long.
Aw, thanks Swan. It’s nice of you to offer to call. I just don’t have anything left to say anymore, really. Last night I slept at my first love’s. I asked him to text me Thursday morning before he goes on his business trip. If I don’t respond by the end of the day I asked him to text a number (my roommate’s) with a message to call another number (the local police department’s) on my behalf. He said ok.
I think I slept about 18 hours total in a 24 hour span. Got headaches from trying to force myself to sleep.
I think I used to be a sweet person, at least sometimes. My ex would tell me all the time. Called me sweet Carbo. (My name is Caroline.)
I think Jabba’s post was deleted as well. I tried variations of his name. I wonder why they deleted it.
I want to sleep yet again, but I know I won’t be able to. Still so tired though.
One of my aunts emailed me today. I can’t get myself to read it. I can’t get myself to read my parents emails either. I dread reading them. True love seems to scare me.
How are you fairing today?
@ Jjgirl13, I know you are a very sweet person and it breaks my heart that you’ll soon leave. I’m finding it hard to chose the right words… Are you sure about your decision? It’s a pleasure to meet you Caroline. I am Valentina and I am surely crying now. It could be me on the other end of this computer screen and I would be scared to death to face death. I’m thinking of the pink ribbon you mentioned and I still don’t know what to say.
Please know that I am here holding your hand through this. I sincerely tell you that I do feel for you more than you probably think.
I have been here typing all day… Have to leave in the morning. I hope to catch you here when I get back. If you happen to find that you can’t do it, please let me know cause I’d be really happy to hear from you. Is there anything you want to write about? Any thoughts or memories you want to share?
Jabbawabba’s post was all about the helium… I’ve never seen a post with those many comments. It took me two days to read the whole thing. It inspired me to join this site cause just like you I was determined to leave back then.
What a pretty name, Valentina. Valentina. It suits you well. A lovely name for a lovely person. I am sorry to make you cry. It was not my intention.
I don’t know if there are any things I would particularly like to write about. I feel the need to write to so many people, but am at a loss for words. But so many people race through my mind. My best friend from grade school. My teachers who showed unconditional support. My loving family and relatives. So many friends. People I’ve barely met but have left impressions on me.
Oh, there was this one thing I wrote way back. I’ll have to find it.
I thought it’d be on my old Xanga http://www.xanga.com/spacecadet009, but I found it in my Facebook notes.
I wrote this in 2007, but I think it’s still relevant.
Life in the Balance
no matter how much we love someone, what we need for ourselves, we’ll always need.
it’s not really a question of what’s expendable, which has more weight
but rather a question of what we must do
for our own sake
and amidst all that’s to be gained and lost
what stays in your heart
stays with you.
I wish I could say..
‘true love waits..’
but the only undeniable truth is
in the meanwhile
life goes on.
@JjGirl13, I just got back. Are you still there???
Hello, Swan. I just woke up. I am still here.
I got the text from B (my first love), just now too.
I texted him back, wrong day. He was supposed to text me tomorrow.
@Jjgirl, So glad you are still here. Are you feeling ok?
Hello. I’m in a fairly good mood today. I walked to the corner store and bought and ate a piece of chicharron. Right now I’m eating half a melon with a spoon. It feels like every other day. I’m doing not much else differently from any other day. I’m wearing a tie-die shirt I made years ago, and wondering what people will do with all the things that are personal to me, that I made, that has a back story to it, etc. Probably just throw it away. I’ve been told I should donate everything I have. Yet, I’m strangely attached to my material belongings that I wouldn’t be able to bring with me.
@Jjgirl, I was attached to many material things I used to own to but since I was robbed and lost so many back in New York about 7 months ago, I’ve had to learn to live with it. It feels like it’s just another day but will it continue to be? I feel asleep for a little while but I’ve been thinking about you all day. Wish things could be different for you right now so that you could go on and be happy. You have so much going for you… But whatever you decide, I am here for you.
I read the link you sent me. I read Millan Kundera a few years ago. Don’t remember that much, just that his books were kind of erotic, which is probably the least important aspect of his writings but that’s all my brain can recollect. I’d definitely pick “light” over “heavy”. Been living on the heavy side all of my life and the weight has crushed me to the ground.
Hi Swan, thanks for thinking of me. I’m still here as the night begins, and deepens. I don’t mean to cause you alarm or stress. I’m here unable to know what I think. Besides to think that my room has to be cleaner. So inch by inch I’m cleaning it.
@Jjgirl13, I am here too. Don’t worry about causing me alarm or stress, I can handle it. It’s a huge effort to clean when you are depressed. I know this from experience. I’ll be here all night in case you want to chat at one point.
It’s hard to explain the exhaustion I feel now. I barely cleaned any of my room. I’m sitting here in front of the computer. Watching Mulholland Dr. now and then. I don’t know why but it’s the one movie I’m compelled to watch over and over. I find it hard to keep my mouth shut. Literally, not figuratively. I’ve only been up for 8 hours but feel so incredibly tired. Don’t know how I’m even typing. Can’t, finish, my thoughts
I think I might have like a hundred twenty or so dollars remaining. I am thinking to order some delivery sushi. I wonder if this is my body resisting suicide, it feels like my limbs are made of stone. I hope I can plug in my phone so I can order sushi. If I had a wish now my wish would be to have someone here to pour some alcohol down my throat as I lay on my bed
@Jjgirl, It’s ok. Don’t push yourself to do anything. It’s a relief to zoobie around every once in a while. If watching Mulholland Dr. makes you feel at “home”, keep on watching it. Here is a site of free online movies for you. It’s a Spanish site but all the movies are in English. You just need to click and in seconds the movie will be displayed. The latest titles and in the highest resolution are listed there. Wish you chocolate and ice cream to indulge yourself.
http://www.monsterdivx.com
Hope to hear back from you before the night ends.
I can hear the World Series (baseball) going on in my roommate’s room next door. It just brings back fond memories and I can’t stand listening to it. I’m about to go in to hysterics, pacing my room. One minute I’m too tired too move, the next I feel like I am going to go crazy. I am starting to cry and my leg shakes. I don’t know what to do because I want to kill myself and don’t at the same time. I think the fear is giving me an anxiety attack, and I don’t have anxiety issues. I might have to go buy some beer or something.
@Jjgirl13, It doesn’t have to be today, it’s important that you know that. Give yourself some time. Relax. There are plenty of other days if decide to go ahead with your plans. Can you put some headphones on so you don’t hear the noise coming from the next room? Wish I could give you some of my Xanax to clam down. Breath deeply and get your beer if it makes you feel better.
But I can’t stop shaking
Halcyon is a great word. I looked it up to make sure I had the right definition. It reminds me of tranquilo. (Tranquil in Spanish). I used to ride down to Mexico with a friend every spring and we’d stop in these little fishing villages; we’d eat seafood, and drink as many Pacifico’s as we could before riding back to the motel or campground. I’d fall asleep listening to the sound of the ocean, smelling that crisp, cold salty ocean air. Tranquilo.
-side note- Drunk driving isn’t that big of a deal in rural Mexico. I don’t even remember seeing cops anywhere near those villages. Plus, if anyone hassles you just give ’em an American $20 dollar bill and all is forgiven.
-disclaimer- Operating a motor vehicle while intoxicated is illegal.
@Jjgirl, What do you think could help you? Can you take a shower or a hot bath? Forget about today it’s bringing you too much pressure. Don’t force yourself. I’ll be here. Wish I were there to help.
@Lucy4, Nice to see you. They sounds like good memories.
It’s so strange, psychosomatic effects. I know if I concentrate enough I can get my leg to stop, but it keeps going. The only other time I have experienced this was when I went on a bouldering trip a few years back. I was at the top of a 30, maybe 40 foot boulder (it was my first time after only going indoor climbing) and I only needed to go up an extra few feet to finish the climb. I didn’t realize I was scared till my leg started shaking uncontrollably. I couldn’t finish it alone so my friends had to coax me, since I couldn’t just be suspended mid air on top of a huge rock.
This is an invisible rope you find yourself suspended from in mid air tonight so of course you’re reliving the panic of that experience. It doesn’t have to be that way though. Let’s change the date, what do you say? You can set up a new one, if you want, but what a horror to leave this way.
Hi Black Swan; Just popping in for a second, I have to be out the door in about an hour for something work related.
Hey jjgirl; Have you ever tried breathing deeply, holding it in, then exhaling slowly to try getting rid of the shakes? If that doesn’t work just pretend I didn’t say it, and get a 5th of Jameson’s instead. Best wishes.
My friend told me to breathe in my mouth and out my nose so I tried that a bit. My roommate just gave me half a restoril and bought me some beer and cup ramen. I took the pill with half the beer and talked with her on the porch a bit. Calmed down a lot. In fact I might be passing out from the beer+restoril. Feel really drowsy. Thanks for keeping me company.
@Jjgirl, I trust tonight will be good to you in the end. I have been waiting to hear back from you but now I am going to bed. Dream beautiful dreams. I hope I get to see you here again.
Thanks, Swan. Good night