I’m not sure whether or not I am considered suicidal, but I feel as if since I’m here, it goes without saying that somewhere in the back of my mind I feel as if I must be. Otherwise, what am I doing here, right?
Well, before I find other reasons to digress, here it goes.
I think that I’m suicidal to an extent just because I have a strong feeling that I just want to die, but I don’t want to kill myself in order to accomplish that, but I think that I have been passively trying to kill myself by not taking care of myself. I guess that probably doesn’t make any sense, but oh well. As to why I’ve fallen into this downward spiral, I would have to say it’s because I’m not happy with my life right now.
I don’t have a bad or horrible life, and I feel ashamed that I’m so miserable despite the fact that I have not experienced some horrible traumatic event or because I have some sort of mental ailment (which I might have. I suspect I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, but never have bother to confirm this suspicion.) So, why am I so miserable with my life? Simply because I feel like no one will let me live my life.
Around middle school I had the idea that my purpose in life was to sacrifice for others. I’m not sure how I had reached that conclusion, but that mentality has stuck with me for a while. To an extent, I still feel that way now, but not to the extreme that I had in mind in middle school. Anyways, as a result of this mentality I would always let my family take advantage of me; I would give up things that I liked to do in order to help out around the house or to allow my other siblings the opportunity to go out and do the things that I had given up. For a while, I was content doing this, but in High School something changed. Slowly, I wanted to live my own life and find my own happiness. I wanted to live my life for once. But, my family was so accustomed to relying on me to the point where it angered them if I wasn’t willing to give up as much as I used to.
At this point, I felt like it was my fault that they were so dependent on me, so I decided to hold on a little more. I decided that I would wait until I finished High School, and from there I felt like it was fair to start living my life my way then. But, I was wrong. As soon as I graduated from High School my family forced me into going to College sooner than I had planned to; I wanted to wait a year and save up some money to pay for college on my own. But, I felt like it was my fault that they forced me to because my grades throughout High School were good. Unfortunately, I had many scholarships that were available to me and the money was too good for my family to pass up on.
Right now you must be thinking something like what’s so bad about that? You got scholarships and a free ride through college waiting for you? Whyare you complaining about that when so many people are struggling to pay their way through college? But I guess I just didn’t want to be restricted by deadlines and the conditions of these scholarships. Yes, the money was good, but it’s not what I wanted. But, all my family wanted was to use me to get money. So, here I am now, overloaded with classes trying to finish a 5 year degree program in 4 and failing miserably.
I wanted to live my own life. I wanted to finally have the freedom to choose what I do with my life. But, all that was taken away from me. Now, I’m struggling just to keep up with the demands of my scholarships and the financial needs of my family. I feel so trapped and stuck. So much so that I just want to die.
What’s the point of me living if I’m not even really living ? I might as well be dead. I’d rather be dead than be exploited by my family.
I do not mind helping my family. I love helping my family, and I would do it willingly.
But, I hate doing it like this. I hate being forced to do it with a knife at my throat.
I’m so tired of supporting my family, when it isn’t even my job to do it. Isn’t it my parents who are supposed to do that?
Heck, you know what, I even give my parents “allowance” whenever my stipend from my scholarships come in. Growing up I was never given any allowance, but every month my parents ask me for over $100 in spending money for I don’t know what. I’m the one buying the groceries now and even paying some of the bills. I don’t work, so the money that I receive each month is limited to my stipends, which I get once a month. My parents somehow spend my entire stipend within days of it arriving.
I guess I must sound so petty, but I am thoroughly frustrated and exhausted.
For this family, I was willing to sacrifice anything, but the moment I want to live my own life they tie me down and exploit me.
They do this so easily, so thoughtlessly, so deliberately that it hurts so much.
Why do they only want to use me? Do they really not care?
I recently told my mother to her face that I wanted to die.
And her response was,
“You can’t die. We’ve invested so much in you.”
That made me want to die even more. But, at the same time it just reminded me of the reason why I don’t want to kill myself; there are people that rely and depend on me. I can’t be selfish. or else they will suffer. Other than my family, I also support my boy friend who has no other family but me. He has no job, and is struggling to finish an adult high school program.
He tries to comfort me, but he just can’t. Sometimes, I feel like he’s taking advantage of me too. He says he isn’t, but I don’t know. If I left him, he would have nothing in this world, so obviously he can’t afford to lose me, but does he love me because he needs me financially or because he just loves me? I don’t know.
I wish I could just end it all. It would be so easy to do it too.
Sometimes, I fantasize about dying and wondering if my family would appreciate me more if I were dead. Sometimes, I just want to die to spite them. Right now though, I just want to die.
It’s an odd singular thought that’s on constant loop in my mind.
I just want to die…
It’s like it’s on repeat 24/7. Sometimes without really thinking that sentence always seems to come out.
I think I need help, but I don’t know what to do… so far all i can think of doing is just sucking it up and put up with all the crap for now. But, I’m not sure how much longer I can take it.
So, I’d appreciate any advice. Thank you…
1 comment
Well, you’re already doing the right thing seeing as you’re here. Talking about these sorts of things can relieve a lot of stress and tension. It’s great that you’re so altruisticl; the world needs more people like you, but you have to remember that you’re well being needs to come first. You have a duty to yourself to live the life that you want and not just the one that is wanted of you.
There’s nothing shameful about wanting to die without having had some sort of traumatic experience: many, if not most depressed people, are in the same situation. Sometimes we get bogged down by the weight of lifes responsibilities. You should be proud that you are so strong. Being able to get this far into life as well as caring about everyone around you are feets to be praised.
It sounds like once college is over you’ll be on your own road. Perhaps the best thing would be to soldier through the remaining year(s) so that you can start living like you want to. If you don’t have anyone else to confide in, you could consider a therapist, but if nothing else, keep writing here on SP; i’d be willing to bet it will help to give you some catharsis.