lost all hope

Haven’t wrote on this site before but I just felt the need to vent.  I have suffered from bouts of depression and had thoughts of suicide on and off for the last couple of years unknown to those around me as I like to keep myself to myself as I don’t like to share my emotions and problems with people.  I am a pretty simple guy I don’t like to have to burden other people, I don’t want much out of life just a steady job and a place to stay nothing fancy just enough to get by.  I have worked pretty much everyday since I left school when I was 16 they wouldn’t allow me to leave any earlier I asked.  I worked hard up early in the morning never late only days I wasn’t in was when I was genuinely sick, but these last couple of years in and out of  jobs losing my first job where I worked for 7 years straight due to the people I worked with who I used to consider friends talking behind your back and shit like that.  Not that they where all bad I’m still good mates with the only one who wasn’t a backstabbing dick.  Then in another job for about 8 months I like it was good craic working with a group of guys who are dead on I wouldn’t say a bad word about them then the work started to dry up and we where getting paid off.  So everything has been going downhill ever since haven’t worked in months not having  any luck finding a new job having to live on benefits and recent family issues how much worse can it get, since to be going downhill pretty quickly, just when I think I’ve hit rock bottom I seem to keep on falling.  This last while the feelings to just give up are pretty strong what is the point the world is a joke, but anyway I think it’s about time I just killed myself I am constantly depressed and just cant get motivated to do anything all the rejection of looking for a job slowly eats away at you.  If I could get a gun it would make things much easier but cant so have to get a little creative I don’t know Helium hood seems to be a lot of hassle, pills don’t work, I know I couldn’t make myself jump or hang myself so what then? I don’t know maybe use detergent suicide to make hydrogen sulphide I have a basic idea how to make it would have to find the correct components.  Then I thought about using a disposable barbecue and put it in the back of my car  obviously wait till it burns down a bit and set it on something so it wont set the car on fire let the carbon monoxide get to work  sit in the front windows up drink vodka passout and hopefully not wake up again.  Just have to get the nerve to do it and work out where the hell I’d by a barbecue at this time of year.  Sorry I went on a bit there if you managed to make you way through my rant I appreciate you taking the time to read it I just felt like typing it to see if it would help.