i kind of want somebody to know, please dont give me hate for this. a few years ago, i got this boyfriend… everything was perfect, like honestly amazing! sure, we had fights and stuff, but it was everything i could have wished for… and more! unfortunately… a few months in i started having troubled at home with my parents, and i slipped into depression and cutting myself. the short story of my parents was that my mum pushed me in every direction… she’s an absolute control freak, and it terrifies me. this made her and my dad start fighting, till they nearly split up. yeah, my fault. anyway, when my boyfriend found out i was cutting, i remember him crying, starting to cut himself (yeah, my fault again), and i rememebr who used to spend hours saying “you understand, you know? you just understand everything”… when i started to fall closer to him and become more dependant on him, he starated telling my things about my mum. how awful she was, and how she was ruining me. he told me my dad was stabbing me in the back with her, and that my family was built on making each other feel guilty. then, once i had practically moved in with him, he started getting angry about things in me that remnded him of my mum. i wanted anything other than to become my mum, so, emotionally, with his help, i’d beat the habits out of me. it started to get worse, he asked for things from me that i wasnt comfortable in giving… he would sneak into my bed at night and touch me under the covers while i was asleep, so i would wake up to his fingers. eventually, i began to say sorry for everything i did. i couldn’t help it – i still can’t – i feel like i am to blame for everything. his temper was short with that, and one day he hit me around the head because i said sorry just once too much. after that, it slowly declined into madness. everytime i did something that resembled my mum, i got a bruise, everytime a new scar was formed, i got a bruise… he forced me to have sex with him (taking my virginity). when i finally cracked in his house, he held me down on the floor, hands around my throat, screaming at me to stop kicking him off. he had to do it. it was for my own good. i was being stupid and over-exaggerating. finally, he let go of my throat. my face was blue and there was a bruise on my neck for weeks. once he left me, i was left alone, back in my house with my parents. they hated me. i had betrayed them and thought they were awful people at one stage. while i was alone, a boy’s voice started in my head, his name is Jakub. i love him, but he tells me i should kill myself. the logical side of me that goes through the therapy and councelling knows it’s just a projection of my hatred towards myself, but i can’t help but think he’s real. now, everyday i sit at home, starving myself and trying desperately not to break through my skin, so people don’t know how crazy i really am.
8 comments
well your boyfriend is a monster, i understand it is hard to leave an abusive person epsecially when your life with your parents wasn’t that great either, but make sure to never let this man back into your life they don’t change ever. none of this was your fault and you deserved none of it but good people get thrown into the worst situations. just keep giving yourself positive motivtion, your seem like a person who is very loving and mabye thats your weakness but thats not a bad thing.
i have completely left him. my problem is, moving on from that… im meant to be better now. but i still hate myself.
moving on is always the hardest part you don’t know who are what you are, but with that feeling you can start over, i hate myself i just occupy myself, do some volenteer, read the bible the quran, study poltics look at histry take up a hobby, just do something, you need to physically move on before you can mentally move on, over time it will be almost all gone, it never fades completely but you just think less and less of the past
Guilt is one way we deal with helplessness. I look at my life and I feel so guilty for ALL OF IT. Every corner of my life if FILLED with it. In one corner, my mom is dead. Every electron in my body tells me I killed her…if I’d just kept my damn mouth SHUT she’d be alive today. The truth is, she killed herself, she let herself die, she couldn’t cope with the horror in my life that WAS her fault, she couldn’t see – WOULDN’T see – that there was a path forward for her. Instead, SHE decided to act hatefully toward me, SHE decided to stop eating, stop living; and then, in one night, she died. That is the truth. But she left me an inheritance: GUILT. I BELIEVE it is all my fault, I BELIEVE I let her die, I BELIEVE I am horrible and worthless and deserve all the pain bequeathed to me and even more. I work hard to make up that difference, to absorb all the pain and guilt in the universe to be worth her dying, my tormentor, my mother.
Then there was too much guilt I was feeling to fit into that event. Now EVERYTHING is my fault. That is MUCH better! Now there is a vessel adequate for the guilt I feel, the hate I crave. My existence revolves around two opposing forces: what I KNOW and what I FEEL.
I struggle DAILY with that battle. Both what I know and how I feel are holding my life hostage. Having already nearly died, it feels like even the risk of death isn’t worth all that much to me anymore.
With that in mind, I feel like a hypocrite for saying so, but none of those horrors you endured were remotely of your making. Those words were not yours. Those hands were not yours. You did not ALLOW anything to happen because you were not allowed to choose. Your voice was stifled, your hands bound, until all that was left was the helplessness and the guilt that comes with it. I deeply empathize with your pain. It is clear to me that you want to cope, to survive.
Are you safe now?
safe from what? please forgive my stupidness, i’m a bit sleep deprived
In my opinion.. You’re not much guilty at all.. In fact somewhat innocent..
how would i be innocent?
Safe from abuser. In a safe place.
BTW, Sorry took so long to reply. Bad day