scared and tired

Hi. I used to be here by the name of Anae but lost both my password and the e-mail I used when logging in. Anyway, I’ve been good for awhile. I’ve got a boyfriend (for a year now) and now we live together. However, he’s at home now, he’ll come home the day after tomorrow.

I want to tell you my story and why being alone is so hard and devostating for me. I’ll tell it my way, in a short sentences because it’s hard for me to write about this. So please understand me. I don’t ask you to read this, I just want this out of my heart. Right now it’s hard for me to breathe.

I’m just an ordinary girl. I seem happy, people call me cute and innocent. But I’m dirty. I’m bad. My mom and grandma were the most important people in my life. My grandma committed suicide. I don’t remember it, but it does hurt somehow. My dad deserted me and my mum.  For alcohol.

I was so little girl, so I had no good friends. Just on the playground. Mom was everything to me. Everything. The most important person, element in my life.

I was on the 5th grade when she left me at home. Her alcoholic boyfriend was mad. She promised to come home at 22.00. I tried to call mom. She didn’t answer. It was midnight and I couldn’t sleep. It was 03.00 and I was sure she had died. I was too scared to call the police.

It wasn’t just about loneliness. It was loss of safety, secure, love. Mom came at 04.00. The man had stood in front of the door for the whole time. Mom was on a bad mood. It happened again the next night.

Ever since I’ve lived in a fear of loosing everything, being abandoned, being unloved and being worthless. Because I was thinking about all those things all the time, I believed all those things.

The next day I was sitting on the balcony edge. I was thinking, would I die if I fell. It was the third floor so I knew I would only break a few bones. I never told my two best and only friends. One day on the 6th grade they somehow got the whole class to bully me.

I started cutting on the 7th grade. I never told anyone how I felt. I was on the 8th grade when I took an od with alcohol. I didn’t do it to get help. I had got caught by mum of cutting so I was seeing a therapist and on meds. I wanted to die. I tried it again.

Now I’m a senior in high-school. Everytime my bf leaves for an overnight, i go through those two nights. I cry and fall asleep after 04.00. I haven’t cut in a year now, but I’m trying to find a place where I could cut without my bf noticing. I’m on a heavy medication. I think cutting almost every day. I cry atleast thrice a week. Everyday is a struggle to get through.

Now I’m just thinking, how can I get through the night well enough to go to school tomorrow. No, actually I’m thinking my boyfriend would be better without me. He would find someone better. He would find someone good enough for him. Mom is struggling with her life too, so if I was gone, she’d have no reason to torture her here. She could die too, she wouldn’t have to live for me.

I think my bf would really find someone better. I’m counting my pills and thinking of calling to 911 and saying: “I’m about to kill my self. Would you please come and clean me up so that when my boyfriend comes home, he doesn’t have to see me dead. Thank you.”

I don’t know what to live for anymore. I do have dreams and I do love my boyfriend. I just think, his life would be so much better without me. He wouldn’t have to deal with me crying and being almost unable to be alone at home. He wouldn’t have to be scared because of me.

Why shouldn’t I kill myself?