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Stability and a Clear Mind

by lost and found

I need stability and a clear mind.

In July, my best, Eleanor, lost* her father.

In August, she lost* her mother. Eleanor and her brother then moved into her grandmother’s house.

In September, her aunt flew down from Brooklyn. Eleanor, her brother, and her grandmother moved to NYC with the aunt. By and by, in my own personal life, my uncle died suddenly. I was very close to him and needed him very much.

In early October, my english teacher had two heart attacks in very quick succession, and she died.

Let me clear something up: I am not sad that these people died. It sounds cold, but let me explain. In the book SlaughterHouse Five, or, The Children’s Crusade, Billy Pilgrim was told by the Tralfamadorians that everything is, was, and always will be. So whenever I’d like, I can look into those moments when these people are/were/will be perfectly fine, and there are no worries. I don’t know if that’s logical consolation, but it IS consolation.

Those deaths are not the reason I am in need of Stability and a Clear Mind.

In July, Eleanor told me that she was (is, will be) a lesbian. I started to crush on her.

In August, Eleanor and I went to the movies with another girl, Minsi, a friend of both of ours. Later that night, Eleanor told me that she had cut her lip on Minsi’s braces. I got jealous, but more than that, I was hurt. I thought Eleanor knew I liked her.

In September, before Eleanor left, she was over at my house. Somehow, we ended up on my bed, me leaning over her, laughing. She pulled me a little closer, and I had my first kiss. :’) I was (is, will be) so happy in that moment! I could now say that I’ve had my first kiss…”Hey, just cuz I’ve had my first kiss doesn’t mean I’ve kissed a boy!”

Later in September: Minsi got transferred into my English class. I started to form  a little crush on her, too…

In early October, after our teacher’s funeral, Minsi’s mom gave me a ride home. It was twilight, pretty dark, but not too dark. Minsi walked me to the door, and there, she pulled my face towards her’s, and she kissed me. On the lips, not on the cheek like a friend might. But on the lips…

I told her via text message that I like her, and she told me that she really likes me, too.

Eleanor knows what happened. She’s okay with it.

Minsi hasn’t spoken to me since. She still eats lunch with me, and gives me a ride home when my dad forgets to pick me up, but she has not spoken one word to me.

Does anybody know what is going on? Has anybody gone through something of the sort? Or should I just wait this out? BTW Because of the deaths mentioned in the beginning, Eleanor came to my house,  Minsi kissed me, and that stuff happened.

If you have any questions that might help you help me, please, ask away. My “story” might need a little clarification..

*I shouldn’t say “lost”, as we know exactly where they are: a mantle piece. I should say that they died.

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kimmm 10/30/2012 - 5:27 pm

talk to her, dont wait for anthing to happen, if she wants you, then she does. if she doesnt, she does not. the only way to find out is ask. hang in there bbygirl….:)

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