Yes, it’s been a couple of months since I got to the absolute depths of despair. And yes, I’m still here.
I’ve had a couple of pretty big circuit-breakers in my life that blocked the exits for me: a new job and a relocation to a small town about 3 hours away from where I used to live. The new job is great; living alone in a new town has allowed me some breathing space. However, I still see the family most weekends.
Something else I did was approach my doctor to discuss my issues, mainly under the insistence of others that I do so. He seemed genuinely horrified that I had planned my exit with such meticulous detail (notwithstanding certain identifying details, such as exact method and location). At one point, I thought I may have really been at the risk of being committed. Eventually, he prescribed me some medication, which I took only after my wife tore strips off me for not wanting to take them. I took the medication, and it did nothing other than cause me to eat so much I ended up putting on about 10lbs (5kg) in 3 weeks. I don’t know if the medication helped my mental state; the change of scenery has arguably given me a greater high than the pills did. But I digress.
The thing is that even though my mind is now more actively focused on positives and one major part of my life is no longer dysfunctional, there are still a whole bunch of things left unresolved. My marriage, for one. My yearning for that special someone else being another. All I can do is take one day at a time and focus on what is front of me right now: a second chance to redeem myself in a career sense. I know that choosing to place one’s own sense of self on one’s vocation is a folly, but it’s the only thing in my life that I have enough control over and I am genuinely happy with at this point. I am still concerned that the weight of all things unresolved may yet crush me.
I’m not sure if this is a story of survival just yet, or if it’s yet another chapter in my decline. After all, The best stories do tend to have a few unexpected plot twists.
3 comments
Well, well speaking of. Was just thinking where is sansesperer, was shooting you some emails to find they were stuck in the outbox as I don’t email much. Thought you actually left, but here you are. I’m glad to hear things seem to be getting better and well, maybe it’s one of those times where you just ride this high and not overanalyze it and enjoy it for what it is. Hey, good things happen to good people.
You should be happy that you have a wife. If she means a lot to you that is always helpful. I am super passionate about music as it allows me to feel emotions I can’t comprehend on my own. Friends help but sometimes having family, friends, and music don’t cut it. No matter how often I try I can’t stop actually thinking about it.(suicide) It is a plague for sure I know we don’t want to think of this but something may be wrong with our mindsets. I hope one day they have a miracle drug or a method that really works. I don’t like seeing other people in this situation. It is not healthy and there is no end to the torment followed by it. The biggest “block” for me is this girl I’ve been seeing on and off for a few months. I forgot what happy felt like until I was with her. She is my roller coaster good for me and bad. I look for her support and I might get through the darkness that I sit in. All I can say is don’t give up hope and if you can’t fix yourself or make your self happy try to make those around you better. I strive to make my friends and family happy, even others I don’t know I want them all to see guidance and wish for them to resolve their looming thoughts suicide. Stick in there man, you have something to live for. -James
@imperfectluck: great to see you’re still with us! Any closer to getting a resolution on your situation?
@Kamakazi: When the wife (or, specifically, the current state of play in our relationship) is one of the contributing factors, it’s hard to think of myself as lucky in that sense. I think many of us were drawn to SP as a last ditch attempt to save ourselves; to help buy just a little more time until fortunes start turning around. Here’s hoping you can wait it out through the darkness and then come out the other side stronger. All the best.