The things that come with age.

Hello SP and all of its users. I’ve been lurking here for a while and I’ve decided that I should post a brief, succinct paragraph that describes my feelings/situation.  I have no real concrete reason to be suicidal or depressed. I was not abused, bullied, exploited or oppressed as many on this site seem to be. I won’t try to justify my feeling either by pointing out the petty flaws in my life. The only real reason I’ve decided that I feel as hopeless and depressed as I do is simply because I don’t fit in. When I say that I’m not just referring to a community or a group of people. I don’t fit in with anything. Not even myself. I have a very low self-esteem and lack self-respect so I truly believe that I don’t deserve to fit into any groups or deserve to even be alive. One of the things that depresses me so and triggers me into falling into those phases of deep, speechless despair is school. I absolutely despise it.  I enjoy learning and I realize how valuable an education is; it’s just the people in my school that I hate so much! My peers, most of the teachers. They don’t understand me. I don’t expect them to. I’ve decided to isolate myself from all of my “friends” purely because they don’t understand my ideas. I vent to them, rant about how much I hate the world and myself and wish to abolish my existence. Of course they don’t understand and in fact they ridicule me. I would rather be alone with my hellish thoughts than to suffer the rejection of people who don’t care or understand.  One of the things that I absolutely loathe about myself is my age. I’m 14. There are many stigmas and stereotypes that come with being depressed and suicidal and so young at the same time. I can already begin to predict what you must be thinking. Oh she’s only 14, doesn’t have a reason to kill herself and she wants to die? It must be teenage angst! She’ll get over this phase!  The judgments, the categorizing and the assumptions that come with my age. I hate them so! Another thing that comes with my age is that no one takes me seriously! May be for good reason, but there is an utter, palpable disrespect I hear when I try to talk to people about my feelings and my ideas. It sickens and frustrates me. The tone of voice, the high arc of eyebrows. I hate it! Perhaps even after I’m dead they will still refuse to believe that my thoughts were serious. It’s dreadful and scary. When no one really listens to you or respects your ideas and thoughts what are you to do? There is nothing I can do. It’s frustrating and depressing. Thank you all for listening, forgive my rant…