Today I woke up screaming, I have nightmares most of the time, I have seen things I will never forget. Things no one could forget. Either way I had the dream again, where I was standing in the doorway and I slowly pushed it in, then I saw her face. Lifeless eyes that I loved so much. lost forever.
I could not Meditate today, every time I closed my eyes there she was, I tried deep breathing, still the thought lingers, the feeling never leaves. The schools are on a term break at the moment so I don’t have much to-do My days are long and full of my never ending thoughts. Normally I can control them, normally I have the best of my bi-polar, but not today. I have lost a lot of people, but Jane was my one true love. She exists in my head always.
Today was a bad day.
I don’t want to die, but sometimes things just seem to be too much, the losses seem to great. How can I ever be normal again. I sometimes wish that I never was, that Jane and I had never meet, I dream that she is still alive. I dream that she is still happy, I dream that she is holding the child we should have had, but that’s just it I dream, and my dreams will never be.
Jane is gone. She exists only in my dreams.
I hate this cafe, everyone is always looking at me, yes im white its so amazing, take a picture you may never see the white demon again!!
Its still the same countless and unanswered questions. Why did she do it? what did I do wrong, did she not feel loved? why didnt she come to me, why the FUCK DID SHE LEAVE ME.
I will not give up, I will keep looking for the answers I was denied, the love that I lost.
Today was a bad day, but today is only 24 hours.
I am going into the mountains for the break, maybe there I can sleep for a full night.
So I wont be posting for a while, maybe I will be eaten by a snow leopard.
Peace
Unique