I’ve been depressed almost all my life.
I have heard all comments about “it’s a disease” Â & “It’s not weakness” , Â i feel weak as hell.
To tell you the truth, im a bit dubious about posting here, because im so extremely sensitive to peoples replies,and i can say that all interactions stresses me out.
I have a diagnose, Asperger Syndrome, and im fine with that, even though i got it when i was 16 years old,
when i felt it was too late to fix all that went wrong in school, and the social awkwardness that i have prevented me to continue any kind of studies.
Some days i feel so incredibly stupid – and i feel like crying.
I have tried three kind of medications, none worked. Right now im on the fourth & fifth medication, and don’t really know if it helps ,
my mood swings in all directions still.
Right now im 23 years old, and never had a girlfriend, and to be honest i don’t feel like it, that ship sailed long ago.
Some periods people makes me sick, i mean, i feel physically nauseated.
Im analyzing myself as i write, and nothing makes sense.
The chances of me to get a normal job is slim, and i feel lazy and useless, sucking money from the taxpayers, like a parasite.
I have tried, but the anxiety is keeping me from leaving my home most days.
Im trying to do something, so i create. Write & Paint, and i try not to care about it ,and now and then the feeling tells me that all i’ve done is just as useless as me.
I have smashed my belongings many times, mostly glass & porcelain, but some electronics and furnitures as well,
4 times out of 5 i have been drinking when this anger comes, followed by a crippling anxiety. Im shaking, laughing and crying all at once.
My best friend has helped a few times when i call in sheer desperation, and of course the day after i feel incredibly silly and stupid.
“Wow, the idiot strikes again”.
The thoughts of suicide and death is with me most days. Im pushing the thoughts away as far as i can.
It would be incredibly stupid to kill myself, i know, and i try my hardest to prevent it.
I am speaking to a guy at the hospital, but i can’t really open up. All things i had thought of mentioning is just stuck, and i cannot bring it up.
He cheers me up at least, with some funny anecdotes about his life.
Is there something i can do?
Sometimes i think of myself, and imagine that i was much more fun to be with five years ago or so. But i don’t know.
Im probably fooling myself again, and i don’t know if that is positive or negative.
Right now i feel that it’s fine either way, that time is passed now, but i would welcome a few positive illusions about myself.
I miss my sleepless periods sometimes, you know what i mean? It felt like i was doing a bit more with my life at night ,
even if it was only thought’s. Sometimes thoughts are better than dreams.
Now im tired, and i guess that my life will go on, it must, even though i see no future.
To all of you out there, if you read this, you deserve a good life.
This was originally a question, but i can’t find much unclear, it is what it is.
If you’ve got a moment to spare, if you care, you could give me a comment or two – i’ve got time for you.
(Nice rhyme, huh? I think the easter bunny said it first. )
Hugs & Kisses & all best wishes.
14 comments
It’s got to be hard living with Asperger Syndrome. On top of that anxiety to. Hope you can open up more with the guy from the hospital. All people feel anxiety. Try not to let it beat you. Try to gey out more. Been around people can be hard. But they just people.
you need someone who can push you, but also someone who can cheer you up… i think you will be fine, i feel the same way as you sometimes, but i’ve got to say, it’s not as bad. you’re honestly inspirational to me so don’t lose hope. we need people like you who understand what other anxious people go through!
What’s wrong with you is that you indent in between each sentence 😛 Why don’t you think you’ll be able to get a normal job? If anxiety is your ball and chain then you know your objective. Anxiety isn’t something that will go away by itself. I think the best method for overcomming it is gradual exposer. Forcing yourself into situations that make you feel anxious and gradually learning to cope with them.
You seem like a very intelligent and sweet person; i can’t imagine why you wouldn’t be able to find a happy life for yourself, if you were to overcome your ailments.
Back at you, Hugs & Kisses & all best wishes <3
Yeah, it looked best when i wrote it, maybe i felt spacious today. Have a nice time, what ever timezone you’re in.
Hey staniol,
I’m not sure if staniol is an international word, because if it isn’t, then you and I are from the same country (DK). I’m very sad to hear about your situtation, and if you are indeed from DK, then perhaps we could have ourselves a nice talk.
If not, I’m still sorry to hear that things are going this bad. I often have the same feelings. You should never give up. You seem not only nice, intelligent and passionate, but it seems like you also have some skills. Not all jobs require you to have interactions with people all the time, or even require you to be in a good mood. You should look into your interests, because choosing job or education with your heart makes it much more worthwhile.
I hope to hear from you and that things turn out for the better. You are not alone.
Im from Sweden, so quite close. It’s misspelled in my user-name, sometimes the wrong spelling is right.
I smash my belongings too. Once I smash a bowl over my head. Electrical items are also good.
i smashed up my bed with a hammer, that really helped, until i wanted to go to sleep aha, but it does help
It helps for a while, when i was done with my smashing i walked around in some kind of hysterical euphoria, with cuts on my feet and a smile on my face. Went straight to bed and had a cooling off period. “Oh, my , someone got in and smashed my belongings, oh no!”, self denial is a friend to me, we all know the truth, “WE CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!”. I can. I cannot, my canoe is equipped with a cannon.
i smashed up my previous laptop.
I’m 49 yrs old with Asperger’s/high functioning autism. Being honest to my current therapist has helped my anxiety tremendously. In the past, it was too easy for me to ‘lie by omission’ and continue to feel like living subslime (that’s worse than crap in my universe, btw). Anxiety meds are helping to prevent all out meltdowns at work, but I’m still working on an effective cocktail for the depression.
Suicide has always been an option, just not one of the better ones. Give yourself a chance to open up to the hospital guy first.
Xoxo RK
How long did it take until you could open up?
Have you had the same therapist a long time?
Stan. Going on 5 yrs. Not very long in the scheme of things. I vowed to be honest from the start, but then found myself hiding some things, so I re-doubled my effort to be completely honest. Trust is very hard for me. My first Rule is ‘Trust No One’. I break this rule in varying degrees and it always hurts when I’m betrayed. My therapist has yet to do that to me.
i’ll be your girlfriend