(Apologies for the stream of consciousness)
I appreciate it seems silly to start my first post titled day 5, but today is 5 days after I decided that I could make things better by simply deciding that they can be… Let me explain.
I’ve been depressed before, well I was depressed for about 8 years with some real consistency, I attempted suicide that people know about 3 times, only once was really serious… outside of those 3 times I used to take overdoses regularly just to numb things. But that all seemed to end about 5 years ago, or at least I was distracted from it or something.
I used to post on Ash bus stop, I didn’t realise how long ago that shut down…
I started feeling down about a year ago I think, it seems to have really started to hit in the last 4 months or so. I don’t know what’s flicked that switch but it’s happened and so now I just have to manage it. When I started thinking about cutting myself and suicide again I knew that it was time to take action, so I went to the doctors…
Apparently anti-depressants/anti-anxiety pills are all that can be offered by the NHS, there’s a 3 month waiting list for any councilling or CBT services. I opted for waiting out the 3 months and seeing if I can manage without any help until I can see someone. I’ve taken tablets before, I just don’t want to lose myself in them again.
Anyway, it’s been 3 months, still no phone call or letter.
I can’t sleep and if I do I oversleep. I’m tired all the time, I can’t seem to remember what happened 4 hours ago, constantly. I’m late for work, I don’t want to see my friends, I don’t want to have sex, I don’t want to listen to music, I just don’t want to do anything.
I don’t dislike my life, I think I’ve got it pretty good, I’ve got all the things that tick the various different boxes that people would attach to normal functioning people, but, I don’t feel like I am functioning. I’m just here, just awake, just alive. I lie awake and think nothing, I feel guilty, I’m scared, I have panic attacks, I feel like a liar, I can’t concentrate, I just seem to cry from about 10pm to 4am every night. I have a headache all the time…
So after possibly 3 days of forcing myself to try to connect with people I’m no better. And that is my biggest problem, I can’t feel connected to anyone or anything, I can’t take ownership of my relationships, I feel like I’m servicing them for maintenance purposes when really I just want to be by myself. I can’t feel it when people tell me they love me or hug me or kiss me or even any of the tiny things that make me feel worthwhile.
I just want to get better, I just want help, I just need something to make this go away. I don’t know if I’m depressed, if I’m Manic or bi-polar, this is just what the doctors are telling me. Should I just take the pills?
3 comments
Hello Sneakcg,
Welcome to SP….I almost missed your post…figured that by Day 5 you would know the ins and outs of whatever it was Day 5 was about…and perhaps had already formed a group of like minded people…hahaha. I went past it twice and then felt compelled to atleast read it if nothing else. Glad sometimes I actually listen to that little voice of mine. Wow. Just wow. You blew me away. I know there is a lot more to your story than I have read…just wanted to let you know that I am here…I can most definitely relate…but can’t answer your question without atleast some idea of what you are actually dealing with…and you are dealing with it…amazing. You must be male…hahaha. jk
Congratulations on Day 5…just keep on going…when the going gets tough…the tough get going. One small step at a time. And if it becomes all too much…take some down time…come here and share. Just want you to know that we are here for you as much as virtual family can be. We are all sufferers here my friend…you are in good company…and it sounds like you may lead a few back into the light with you. The overall feeling of your post ….a fellow Spiritual Warrior perhaps?
Here if you want to talk as are others
Peace
Amakua
Hi Amakua
Thank you for the welcome. There is a lot to the story, but only as much as there is to anyones. People always think I’m a guy, I may have to develop a complex about it.
To be honest coming on here and reading different people’s posts, especially the teenagers is helping me realise just how far I’ve come from when I was them not so long ago, and knowing that I’ve come out the other side of it before. I’m feeling a lot more hopeful, not that I’d really lost hope.
Sometimes I’m too matter-of-fact for my own good and think I should allow myself a little more irrationality…
Not sure about being a spiritual warrior…
I was worried people would think that I’m just dismissing the problem by trying to make a decision to be better, but I find a lot of recovery is self help.
Cat
Hey Cat,
Nice to know that you are a fellow survivor…there are not enough of us in my opinion…damn do gooders eh?…hahaha
This is what I mean by a warrior…kinda like a Timex watch…takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin’. Don’t worry about a complex about gender confusion now…hahaha…I have had several partners that say I am too much of a man to ever truly need a man…and yet I am very much a woman…lol You are definitely an alpha female…which is even better than being male…yeah…you heard me…hahaha…and we don’t have any dangly bits to get in the way either…hahaha
I am glad that you are feeling more hopeful…you should…you show an amazing amount of promise for success…you have hope…that is all you really need…like Dorothy and her ruby slippers…I will have joy in my life again…I will. And once you start looking for it…poof…there it is. Does that mean that everyday will be sunshine and rainbows? Nah…that would be tedious at best. But surviving the storm makes the rainbow seem even more joyful and precious.
Me…at the age of 51…have finally learned how to play…how about you? Play much? I also find getting outside and into nature is very grounding and helpful. What are some of your coping skills…and I’m not avoiding your question…I’m doing research…lmao…do you feel like a lab rat yet? I keep asking for more cheese myself…sigh…got any cheese?…lol Hey…surprise…one of my coping skills is laughter…hahaha
Don’t worry…eventually I will diagnose you, prescribe for you and cure you. Oh wait…I don’t even know you…ah well it never stopped many a doctor from diagnosing and prescribing…hahaha.
Here if you have any questions…if you want to fill in some more blanks of your own…or just want to move along and avoid the crazy lady…hahaha
You are very welcome here
Peace
Ama