Dwelling on the Past

My teen years were hard my mom died and my dad remarried. She was a *****. But i grew up married my high school bf. We bought a house had a baby, a boy. I thought id left depression behind. Baby got sick, it was cancer. So at 23 i was fighting th battle of my life. Baby died wen he was two. Marriage failed. My husband was in soooo much emotional pain. I couldn’t help. I was depressed. Im still depressed . I can’t seem to let go andmy family wouldn’t understand. Its been almost 3 years they’d say. I can’t open up to them how depressed i am. They r strong people. Lifes to be lived. So i just suffer, and dwell on th past and what should have been. Am i suicidal? Frequently. Here is the only place i can admit I think about it. I wish I had died instead of my baby boy.