I am ready to go – I have been for a very long time. I have been tortured, abused, and am so old, fat, ugly and stupid that not one man on this planet would look twice at me. I have lost one home and am getting ready to lose another. I lost a job I absolutely treasured in May – when that happened, I lost my career, my hopes, my dreams, and all of my friends (they were all at work). I cry every day I have to go to my new job, which I hate… I am grateful to have a job but I am so incredibly bored. And my new job is about causing people distress, which goes right against my personality. My old job was teaching and helping others. I miss my job so much, I miss my friends, I miss my home every day. All I want to do is go home. The only friend I have left has bedbugs and can’t understand why I won’t let her into my house and I don’t want to go to hers. I am broke and so cold… can’t afford to heat the house and it’s only November. I can’t take 3-4 more months of freezing.
In the past 7 years, I have lost everything I have treasured and everything that has made me happy. I don’t understand what I’ve done wrong, but all I can determine is karma. I’m probably closer to an offshoot of Hinduism than anything else, and all I can figure is I am suffering so much because I have done something in this life or the last that is awful, and now am reaping the rewards of being a jerk sometime earlier. Perhaps I took someone’s home, or their family, or what they treasured the most. Perhaps I killed, and now my fate is to lose everything I have ever loved. The only other theory I have is that the universe keeps giving me such beautiful things, like a home and a job I loved, and then takes it away… and laughs… for no reason other than the heck of it.
I truly hate myself and always have. I am nothing but dogsh*t.
I will not discuss methods but I have chosen one. Unless I really screw things up, it should be a sure deal. I am not afraid to die at all. I understand that I’ll come right back here and do the same thing all over, but I won’t remember it, and the suffering of this life will end. I’m ready for that. I’m ready to go. I’m ready to die, and I am not afraid. I have to make arrangements for my cats and I feel it necessary to destroy all of my writing and creative works before I go – they are a part of me and need to burn as I want my body to after I have departed.
And after 45 years of life I have only learned two things: there are no answers, only unanswered questions; and: it’s always darkest right before it goes pitch black. It’s pitch black right now, and I don’t plan to wait any longer for a sunrise that never comes.
5 comments
There’s so much more out there for you than this. What it is I cannot say, but know that death is a closed door. Don’t limit yourself to it.
please just wait a little longer, just a little bit, don’t go yet. please wait until you see the sunrise tomorrow, and tell us here, what the color of the first thing outside your window you see. don’t go. please don’t go.
Hello elliecats. So, I have to say that I am somewhat in the same predicamant as you. I was at the top of the world and now I have lost everything. I have been ready to go for a while, but something always keeps me here. One is just not quite knowing how to leave this world without leaving a mess, but the other thing is knowing that someone out there still wants you around.
maybe we can chat and talk to each other. You never know, it might help you. It may help me.
elliecats, where are you? wishing you are here.
Hi jhorton328,
I so understand what you are saying. Yes, I would like to chat. You’re right, maybe we can help each other.
El