Ive lost focus

its been a moment since the mental hospital and every time i go in there i forget what the goal is.I think about getting better and having friends and movies and fun stuff.I don’t think of the longer i wait the more i put a chance of everything around me of losing it.I think it must be scary to die and not lying it is ive been close to death before and that’s scary as hell. But when my mom and dad are gone im screwed im not going to know how to survive on my own.Which is why this suicide thing has to keep happening until ive made it.I don’t want to die but being alone is worse.Sure you might be alone when you die but you cant think of that especially if theres nothing after this and you might not have to think.Im not going to make it in this world.I’m mentally ill half handicapped and all the way nuts.A lot of the times i feel like im a bad person no i know im a bad person and this has to stop.My fears are to great and there coming to close to reality.Soon i will have to go because if i stick around there are worse things to come.I go along with that phrase living is hard dying is easy