So Edgy!

It’s a wretched place. Some days I cry for hours and then just start laughing and dancing to the sound of my sobs. It’s awfully disturbing. Other days I am awake for 50 hours organizing my photos or cupboards or notes and reorganizing and checking to see if I organized it properly. Some days I only manage to do the first two pages aaaall the time. Some days I stay away from home for a long time and nobody knows where I am and I like it because I feel like I’m on an adventure, a secret mission. Like it’s Las Vegas and I can spend ridiculous amounts of money and I’ll always win; or run on open fields with inappropriate men and make up dance moves to slow jams; or spend hours talking to myself or preparing for Idols (I can hold a note but not many in succession). I prep for interviews I’ll never have, laugh at the jokes I’ll make in them.

Other days I just sit there and rot. I literally feel like I am decaying. Because it is like I spent up all of that energy, there’s nothing left. Nothing but regret and shame and dealing with the repercussions of that exhilaration. It does not help because at that time there’s no way to deal with it. Like you’re at you’re worst and then some.

You’re talking about agitation with mania though… that usually happens for me when I’m having a supposed mixed episode (I am not diagnosed). It is so unbearable for the people around me. I am rude if they try to mess with my flow and I will snap and demand and be irritated if they are not as happy as what I am. I see them as a problem or a burden and I simply detach from them. You see, I’ve been blessed (sarcasm) with the ability to dissociate myself and I literally stop identifying with them. I cannot get myself to care about them or how they feel. It is impossible for them to communicate their feelings to me. One time I laughed at my bf (ex) for saying that it hurts him when I switch my phone off and don’t want to see him or when he has to track me down or else I’ll pretend he doesn’t exist. Horrible, I know. And I am always sorry thereafter but not during.

The itching though… that nagging impulsivity, it’s like a force that compels you to do stuff! If I am confined it will result in my balling my eyes out because I feel trapped. Sometimes people prevent you from doing stupid things and the gratitude only kicks in when the craze dies down.

I feel like an alien, too. Feels like there are so many versions of myself and they’re all so damn strange to me so I can’t always identify with this alien brain. But… I am not crazy 🙂