Living now, it has became a daily struggle. I fight to make it through another second, another minute, another hour. I can’t look into the future, I can’t tell myself I’ll make it to Christmas, I can only tell myself I can make it to 10 PM. Nothing helps me feel better. I can cry for hours and hours, it won’t make my wounds heal. I could rant all I pleased, it makes me feel worse. It’s like poking a bruise, it just makes it hurt more.
I try to make myself see things better, but things aren’t better, that’s just it! My “friends” hate me, my family hates me, my classmates hate me, I hate me now. The slightest discouraging word sends me in a downwards spiral, but the slightest compliment makes me feel as if I don’t deserve it.
I’m so self-concious, I can’t even eat in front of people any more. I just sit there drawing all the lunch period. If I try to eat, I just keep seeing them glare at me, I can almost hear what they’re thinking about me. “Fat cow!” “Stupid whale!” “Fatass” “Fat *****!” Even my family thinks I’m fat. They keep dropping hints about how I need to work out, and all that shit.
I don’t know why I don’t fit in. Is it just because I’m not willing to change? People always tell you to be yourself, but how can I, if nobody likes me for being who I am?!?
I can’t do this any more. I just can’t live another day, doing this again and again and again. My life has just became a blob of grey. Nothing, nothing, nothing. I just can’t fight any more.
2 comments
Hang in there sweetie. People are sometimes nice, sometimes they’re bastards. I myself have an eating disorder, but I’m not getting better because of the medication I’m forced to take.
Don’t hate you, never hate you. Hate the people who make you hate yourself. I also try and see a future for myself, all that comes up is static, but that’s because I haven’t made a future for myself. But I’m getting there, you will two.
I understand the pain of self loathing, but you can’t let anyone make you feel bad. That’s giving the weak and ignorant power. What they think does not matter. Only you can make this feeling go away. Please continue, if not for someone who loves, than for yourself, too prove those who’ve put you down that they’re wrong.
firstly, i felt that exact same way. people shoved me around and called me a fat ***** and stuff. i didn’t have any friends and people never talked to me. i hated the way i looked but i focused on school and studied and kept to myself. Then i left that school. i moved to another school and i managed to overcome everything. now i have friends but you know what ?now im even more self conscious about the way i look. im not smart or anything and im not good at anything. like my name says. im worthless. now, i feel even more depressed than back when i had no friends and i was fat. so hang in there and hopefully you may manage to find the hope you need.
if you want to talk more lemme know.
also, even today im not happy with the way i look but i’m heading strong.