Hi everyone. So this is my first post here. Ive been reading posts on SP for several years and I just want to let you know that they have saved my life. Im 25, a teacher of English in a third world country. I tried to kill myself when I was 17, right before high school graduation. I managed to survive and keep it a secret. To my family, friends and students, Im a very happy person. I make people laugh a lot. I give them advice. I inspire some of them. And I am grateful for what I have, a loving family, a job and lovely friends and students. I do love life. I think life is just so beautiful and amazing. Yet, if there is a button that when you press it, you will be out, be gone forever, simply vanish, even from people’s memory, I will press it without a second thought. It is very difficult to put what I feel inside into words, but many of you have tried and so Im going to try, too.
In my classes, there is so much fun. We play games, tell jokes and do some fun activities. When Im with friends, its fun too. We talk about boys, music, fashion, celebrities and stuff that I dont really care but I love seeing people laugh and have fun. When Im with my mum and my brother (my father died when I was 2, both my mum and my brother are mentally sick and cant take care of themselves), Im the strongest girl in the world whos gonna make lots of money and take care of them and knows exactly what she wants in life and gonna get it. And then, when I go back to my rented room, I sit in front of the computer, smoke cigarettes nonstop, listen to sad songs and reading SP posts and dont know what to do any more. Im a lost soul. I know what Im doing in my life but deep down inside, Im totally lost. I keep doing things because I cant just stop. Life doesnt stop when you want it to. Life goes on. So if I let myself stop, I will be left behind. I will be a loser, a depressed thing that people feel sorry for. I dont want to be like that. I have mum and brother to take care for. I have students who have told me Ive helped them a lot. And I dont want to give up. God loves me too much and I always can feel his love and I dont want to betray him. And I want to help people. I want to make world a better place for everyone. But…
When Im alone, Im very lonely. This loneliness I fell inside of me is eating me up. I feel lonely even when Im with people but then I have things to do. When I have nothing to do, I immediately fall back into the sweet darkness that feels like home to me. Im drown in my loneliness. Ive tried to work on my loneliness. I find friends, even boyfriends, have sex, do things together with people. But the harder I try, the more obvious it seems to me that I can never fit in. Im just so different. Im with people cooking, singing, telling jokes and what Im thinking is: whats the meaning of life, whats the point?? There is no point in whatever people are doing. Theres too much noise, too much nonsense, too much pain. Life is just simple beautiful. Can I just appreciate life and be gone? I want to be part of nature, be a flower, a breeze, a leave. I dont want to feel any more. Feeling too much hurts. Thinking too much hurts. I want to cry. I used to cry myself to sleep every single night for 10 years. Now I cry less. Sometimes the pain inside me is too much Im so scared. I feel hopeless. Sometimes I just feel empty, and thats worse. I have to smoke to numb myself.
People are beautiful. They truly are. Every single human. Even the one that does bad things to you. I hate no one. It really hurts me when people suffer. They more bad things they do, the more they suffer. But they dont know karma so in response to their suffering they do more bad things. They feel bad without even knowing that they feel bad and thats is worse. I mean, most of the time, Im comfortable with my depression. It is truly beautiful. Im sad, Im lonely, and I admit it, and I dont feel bitter. I wouldnt trade my feelings for any money in the world. Ive realized that, in my depressing moments I can see life more clearly and love it more the way it is. I love all of you, I want to give all of you a hug. We are born into this world to play. This is a big game. One day we’ll be able to do whatever we want. One day there will be a button you can press and check out from life, happily waving hands to friends and family to everyone and people dont judge you and feel bad about it. Just a choice like any choice you make in your life. I believe that we will be put back into life again in five seconds though. To complete the game. There are lessons to be learnt. That thought really scares me. Like you cant really have an option. But well, Im not gonna quit any way. I dont have enough courage and I have responsibility and I just know that there will be something in life for me, like meeting a guy who is meant for me, like meeting you guys here in SP. You are awesome. Simply beautiful. You make the world a better place for me. Even in my loneliest moments I know Im not the only one who is feeling that. The feeling of being connected is great. Sadness is just as beautiful as happiness because without them, you wont fully appreciate happiness. I love you all and I will be reading your posts.
Trang
From Viet Nam
1 comment
It seems like you’ve spent your whole life taking care of others and helping everybody else, but no one has gone out of his or her way to take care of you. People like you who are dedicated to improving people’s lives are inspirational, and it’s heartbreaking that you still hurt as much as you do. From my point of view, helping other people by being a counselor or a teacher gives a decent number of people meaning in their lives. Again, I think you just need someone like yourself looking out for you-you can’t do everything by yourself. But what do you think you need?