Numb

Yesterday I went to a family Christmas party on my mom’s side of the family.

Two years ago this party was something my entire family attended, all 5 of my sisters and I would go together, with our parents. We were all there every single year, together.

However since that time, everything has changed. My 19 year old sister was kicked out of my family when she was 17 causing my parents to accuse anyone trying to help my sister of taking sides. Because of my parents choices, I wasn’t allowed to see my sister, grandma, aunt, or cousins, except for once or twice a year.

Regardless of my parents opinions, yesterday I went to the Christmas party with everyone my parents hate. I took my 3 younger sisters that live with me. My Oldest sister met us there, and my sister that was kicked out came separately as well. There was a ton of tension, but I tried not to let it bother me. I talked to my cousins, my aunt, my grandma, and my sister. I had missed them all so much.

At the end of the night, everyone was leaving, but I just sat there on the couch, staring, not wanting to move. It didn’t matter if there was tension, it didn’t matter if no one was talking, what mattered was that I was in the room with all 5 of my sisters. This hadn’t happened in years and it was the most comforting feeling. All of us, together. I didn’t want it to end, I didn’t want to walk out of that party in fear that I will never be with all of my sisters again.

Sometimes you don’t realize nearly how much you miss people until you see them again and then you have to leave them. Today I feel numb, something no amount of crying or sleeping could ever fix. I miss my family not hating each other. I just miss having my family together.