I’ve been finally realizing how old they are becoming. Their health and minds are slowly depleating. I remember growing up with them. Spending time with them. Helping them so much. Today everyone was in a hurry to see a movie and rushing them. They both dont walk fast anymore. And Grandpa has nerve damage in his right arm. So he is unable to move it. No one asked if they needed help, just rushing them. They get so confused easily on top of that. Me on the other hand I waited for them. I stood by them as they got ready to get up and moving. I helped them carry all of their drinks and popcorn. My hands were litterally full. I put their phones on vibrate for them. I handed them their stuff after they got situated. I love my Grandparents. And it shows a lot. I always hug them when we part ways and tell them I love them. I’m a great Grand-daughter.
Uhhh, hey. Been a while since I posted here. I’ve been reading alot on SP though. I’ve decided to make a post now because I did say to Shepard I would try and be more active. Beware, if you’re reading this, it will likely be quite a lengthy post.
Well, as I type this, my family and I are currently driving towards Christchurch (city in New Zealand). Surprisingly, I’ve enjoyed the drive. It’s been good to get out and go somewhere this holidays, because so far, all I’ve done is work, play video games and hate myself. How exciting.
There’s actually something I really did want to come here and vent over. I really, really hate my Grandma. She’s such a senile old woman. The main thing I hate about her is that she is continuously trying to mould me into her definition of the perfect grandson. She gives me shit if I ever spend a day inside without working. She tells me that if I ever got a tattoo or got into drugs then I’m out of the will or some bullshit like that. She tries to make me talk to people despite how shitty and anxious I feel in social situations. At every family gathering we’ve had recently, she has made me stand up at some point in the night and make a mini speech. Sure I used to be alright at speeches, but I can’t do that shit. I can’t speak at all. And I wish she would just get that. But, I think the worst thing about her, is her back stabbing. She can’t help but talk shit about everyone, and I’m the one she tells it to. She tells me how snobby her neighbours are and what a ***** my Aunty is and IT DRIVES ME FUCKING MAAAAAAD! I can’t take her anymore. The only reason I haven’t told her to get fucked is because my Grandad is near death (been told he has 2 months left at the most) and I’m afraid that if I did it’d hurt him too much. Maybe when he’s gone I can tell my Grandma to get fucked. Sorry, for the rant, but god she drives me crazy. There’s probably alot more I could write but I always have trouble writing or verbalizing my thoughts.
There’s something else I would like to share because it’s bugging me. So, a few years ago, I took up rowing (you may know it as crew). I did 3 seasons and was reasonably successful. Over the 3 seasons I received 29 medals. Most were at South Island events, but I got 4 National titles in my time. My coach, who has coached various New Zealand crews, told me that I was good enough to row for New Zealand. But I decided to quit. There are alot of reasons for leaving. The people were, for the most part, lazy, rude and mean. And I just couldn’t take it anymore. But apparently I’m the only one who doesn’t want me to row. My coach came to my house the other day and asked me if I would like to come back and just finish the season (because there’s only 12 weeks left). Part of me wants to go back, but the other part is telling me to never go anywhere near it again. The reason it’s so hard to make a decision on, is because my Grandad really wants me to go back and just win one race at the National Secondary School’s regatta. And I don’t want to be selfish and not fulfill a dying mans wish, but I can’t take that shit again. I don’t know. I never know.
So that’s about it really. I hate myself and would like to end my life, I hate my Grandma and I really don’t want to row again but I feel like I have to. Oh well. Fuck it. I’m sorry that this was probably really muddled and confusing, but as I mentioned, I have alot of trouble writing and verbalizing my thoughts. Anyway, I hope you’re all having a good morning/evening/afternoon. I’ll try to comment more and maybe post more. Yea, see ya round I guess
P.S. feel free to email me if you like. It’d be nice to have someone or a few people to yarn to. I may take a wee while to reply though: firstname.lastname@example.org
I thought I would be okay, but in three day’s time, I had another accident.
A few days ago, I slit my wrist up. Never deep enough to kill, but just enough sting to get the point across. I padded it up and wrapped an ace bandage around it, claiming I just sprained it. No one at work questioned it, my boyfriend didn’t say anything outright about it. It’s hard to keep things from him though. So I told him. He grabbed my wrist and took a glance. He said my name, which sounded so… Off. It doesn’t feel right when he says it. It hasn’t for a while. I digress.
So we found ourselves sitting on the balcony of our apartment, my razors in hand; one slightly rusted razor blade that I had stolen from work (I wonder if they ever noticed I was stealing the blades?) and one from a child’s pencil sharpener. I tossed them into the grass below us.
Well so much for that.
I found another blade.
Today we were supposed to go to his grandparents’ for his grandma’s birthday. It started at 3:30 and I was still at work at 3:20. So I text him, telling him he could go ahead and leave, hoping that he’d say no. That he’d stay with me and we could go together. He says “Okay, meet you there” and leaves. I pass him on my way home.
So there I found myself alone (which is never good). I found myself alone with the razor.
And it happened.
I don’t think I’ll ever get better…
This time he won’t find out because they’re on my legs and I’m keeping my mouth shut. I have to suffer in silence. He won’t notice them unless we get intimate (and that’s never, which has a huge impact on my self-esteem and why I hurt myself. Silly I know, but it happens nonetheless.).
I don’t know what to do anymore…
And I’m scared it’s just going to get worse.
I am not going into full detail of all the shit that made me who I am today but I’ll give you aÂ little summary.
I was bullied horribly and pretty severely at a private school with 100+ kids and 20 kids in the grade. You were with the same people your whole pre-k to 8th year.
I contemplated suicide at the age of 11 and still do. I wouldn’t let my mom leave because the thoughts of it were overwhelming. She didn’t leave without me but she didn’t take it seriously. I was really going to take a knife and stab myself in the stomach. She didn’t take me to a mental hospital or anything.
Now at 14, after 7 years of bullying and about 5 years of abuse I’m sick and tired of being mistreated. I’ve lost so many people in my life it’s sad. All of my friends have left me and the only person I can lean on can betray me like the rest.
I’ve grabbed the pills and the only thing I need to know is….how will my story end. I’ve thought about suicide my whole life and the saddest part is, I write stupid FF’s and I always want to end them but I give up. Kinda like how I am in life.
Anyways, I’ve lost all faith in God so don’t give me that. And asking for help is not an option. I have a pretty good relationship with my grandma but she thinks people with bipolar disorder are crazy and I can’t imagine what would happen if she found out I was suicidal and deeply depressed. Plus I’m pretty sure I’m bipolar as well.
My mom hates people who commit suicide and says its selfish. She even contemplated suicide but said “it was a joke. I stopped thinking about it after a couple of minutes.”
My mom likes to rub a lot of things in and it really sucks. My dad is the biggest asshole you’ll ever meet and my sister is a two-faced *****. So I have nothing to live for except my crusty stories.
Hopefully someone can give me some guidance on what type of prescription or some form of pills can kill. It’s the absolute ony way I can get rid of my unwanted self.
Im not sure if this is the one that shows up in the homepage
I fuckinfg hate everybody I hate where im from My poor dad got accused of a crime(sex offender) and I had to see him walk around with this fucked up look on his face for fucking years,till we moved from our old house, they even fucked up his truck the back of it sctartchted it up…He kept the same job for years. There was always this white van parked in front of my house I don’t know if someone parked it there on purpose,but I didn’t realize people ‘knew about my dad’ till like junior year of highschool…I walked out of my classroom when they starting talking about fucking fucking fucking fucjing megans law because I know I would get emotional telling everyone to shut the fuck up I fucking hate everybody I fucking hateverybody I fuckibng hate everybody..Then this guy took me to a hotel room and I didn’t know his name or anything and then when I seen him again he had like this full grown weird beard mustache thiong it was just weird I don’t know why he did that I seen him on the bus I guesss cause he thought he was goona be looked for for molesting or raping some girl?? Idk I don’t know its just weird Im half mezican but I fucking hate Mexicans I tripped out hella hard a few years back and totally went schizo I thoyght some guiy made a porn of me and I was walking around the street trippin and I told this random little girls if they seen me in the porn and they said you looked ugly something like that….I hate the fucking guy I was chilling and hanging out with today everything about me annoys him his fucking mouth,Its sad though cause hes pissed like me I guesss birds of a feather don’t flock together right? I fucking hate everybpdy I fucking hate motherufxckers Ill shopoot you all and rape your grandma with a shprt hpt knife I fucking hate veryubody M<y revenge is to get hella fine and fuck with everybody[ I feel uncomofrtbale around people I hate people and I tell fake answers and excuses when really I just wanna stay inside all the time unless I look cute I fucking hateverybody I fucking ahteverbody I hate goiong out I used to love people now im some kind of hateful hermit I hate everybody
This is my story and i hope it gives all of you out there some hope.
I was always a good girl. I had friends not many but yea. First everything was good. I wasn’t the thinnest but I was happy with who I am. But when I came to 5th grade, all my friends were away. All of them were on another school. I thought it couldn’t be that hard to make new friends but it was. No one in my new class liked me. They called me names like fattie. Everyday I got home I went in my room and cried. I just cried, sometimes for hours. This was the worst time of my life and I thought it would never end. I had no friends till 9th grade. I began to cut myself and often thought about suicide. I thought about it more and more. Then there was this new guy in my class. He moved with his parents. I remember that day and I think I always will. It was 3rd september 2012. He sat next to me and this was nearly the best day of my life. We talked all the time and had fun together everyday. He’s my best friend now. One day he noticed all my scars – the ones on my arms, on my legs, my stomach everywhere. He asked me why I did this and he started crying. He helped me stop cutting. He’s the reason why I stopped thinking bout suicide. He gave me an old necklace of his grandma which is heart shaped. It gives me strength. I wear it every day all the time and it helped me a lot..
Believe in miracles â™¥
Im tired of living. You can work so hard for something and still end up with nothing. I keep chasing dreams that i think will make me happy but then realize that there is no such thing as happiness. I think to myself how i want kids someday and my time is running out but why would i want to bring a kid into this shitty world? Why would i want to hand over my mental issues to another human being through my genes just so they can suffer? Am i really seeing this miserable place for what it is and just giving up on trying to find happiness cuz it doesn’t really exist? Or are these drugs just destroying me from the inside, out? If only death could find me before i find it all my problems would be solved. I could free my family from having to deal with my loser, sorry self. I could save them from the disappointment. If I die they won’t have to see what I come to be. They can at least think that if I had lived i would have done well for myself. Friday night…
Just wanting to curl up in a ball by myself. Just want to be alone and cry myself to sleep. Just want to give up. No one will understand. No one needs to understand. I am just here burdening them with my negativity. Is this how Matt felt. Maybe he was at this point before he left us all heartbroken. I wish i could have felt this before he left. Maybe we could have helped eachother understand ourselves. Guess i will never know. People say suicide is selfish. I use to think so myself. Until i became this person. I want Adam to Be happy. I want him to be with someone who relates to him and loves life. He was so happy when i met him. I’ve brought him down and its selfish of me to stick around knowing he could be happier without me. My dad deserves to be free from having to take care of two grown women. He’s done such a good job raising us. I don’t want him to feel like a failure like my grandma does when she takes a look at her kids. Being selfish is letting people down and adding sadness to their life when they deserve so much happiness. Being selfless is freeing them from your life. Even if it means ending your life. I love them all enough to free them from having to know such a worthless person.
Jladd here as all of you know and i figured you guys would like to hear my story.
My mom never use to be a drunk or violent. She was once a normal beautiful women who would give you the shirt off her back. But that’s not the case now. I have two brothers and a sister. And then one adopted brother and sister.Â My mother never use to hit me or anything like that but it all started after we moved into our new house and she lost her job. My stepdad was always at work to support us so i never really saw him and was often left alone with my mom. She had gotten mad and got rid of my brothers and sister so they were living at my aunts and other family. Thats when the mental abuse started. Calling me worthless or a fuck-up or i should go cut myself and die. Or thats why my father abandoned me before i was born. I didnt know why she was being so mean or what i did to her. Then the physically beatings started. My mom would chase me down the hall way and slam me against the wall and yell at me or drag me by my hair to my room. Im also afraid of water because she once tried to drowned me in the bathtub and then slammed my head in the bathroom door. I went to the hospital with a concussion. And my mom acted all nice and said i was just playing and hit my head. I was scared to say anything in fear she would hurt me. and one day i went to my grandma with bruises and my grandma found out and said something to my mom about manhandling me. And when i got home my mom beat me to the ground to the point where i was begging her to kill me right there. After all that i started drinking doing drugs and cutting. I lost all my weight from being neglected and became anorexic. At 15 with the weight of 62 pounds. My mom would make me go out and sell her vikidens and norco’s for money to pay rent and support her habbits. Well one day i was caught by a police officer with them and luckily he let me go with a warning and asked me where i got them and i said i stole them from her so she wouldnt get introuble. and when i got home boy did i get it bad. I started cutting more and more and the one person who was suppose to be my bestfriend told people i was cutting and then the bullying started in and i was beat up not only at school but at home being called emo, freak, **** etc. So i made the decision to be homeschooled which was the worst decision i ever made.Â I have scars everywhere and burns.(yes i liked to burn myself) Then along with the suicidal thoughts and i attempted and ended up in a hospital with my stomach being pumped. Then i went to therapy and was put on medication. I had so many fucked up thoughts running through my head and i just wanted to end it all, but i wont because my brothers and sisters need me and id rather be beat on then leave them. This is my story.
I got home from school to see that no one was home. Tears were streaming don my face as I made my way to my bedroom. I sat on the edge of the bed Â in deep thought. Why do I have to be so ugly? Fat..worthless..stupid? I feel so alone-my friends..suggested we stop hanging out. I’m not a lesbian by the way. I may be a tad bisexual but so what? I’m not fully gay. And to anyone who IS gay, don’t be ashamed. My brain was clouded with thoughts. I screamed out in frustration and practically tore apart my room. Stuff was strewn out all over the floor. I grabbed my set of big blades and walked into the bathroom and locked the door.
“This..is for being worthless.” I slowly, steadily swiped the blade across my sensitive skin and watched the blood trickle down my arm. It felt..good?
“For being fat and ugly.” This time, I swiped it right across, quickly. I started cutting years ago.. Â I continued with a few more cuts then stood up angrily, throwing the sharp, big blade across the bathroom. I got up to the cabinet and pulled out my grandma’s pain killers..pills. I placed my hand on the cap and pushed it down, the hot tears stinging my eyes. I was about to do it.
“I’M HOOOOME!” My sister’s loud shout echoed through the house. I fiercely began wiping my tears and threw the bottle of pills back into the cabinet. Picking up the blade, pricking myself in the process, I sprinted into my room and hid it.
“Hey, where are you?” She called. I managed to choke out a reply.
“Here! I’m changing..” I looked down and realized my arm was still dripping with blood. I grabbed a bunch of paper towels and dried my arm. Pulling out my bracelets, I covered my arm. From then on, I wore bracelets. Sillybands from time to time but that would always cause dreadful, painful scars on my arms…I like it. I was SO..close.
I used to self harm, not an awful lot but the marks remain on my wrists. I still get that feeling of wanting to make myself bleed just to get that rush of adrenaline. My father recently died of cancer, 8 months ago almost to this day in fact. We weren’t and still aren’t a rich family, and we’ve had money problems and we’ve had that worry of their being a letter on the doormat when we come home telling us we were being evicted, but luckily it has not come to that. My auntie died two years ago, and my grandma 5 years ago. And I’m only 18 now. What I’m trying to say is, I’ve been in so many shit places in my life, dark times galore you could say but I remember this one quote from a smart man.
I’m in such a dark place, but I’ve never been so close to the light.
That is all.
She’s not senile; from what I’ve heard from my father and other family members she’s been unreasonable from the start.
With that said…she adopted me at 9 and has taken care of me since. I’m now 22 and finally moving out in a few months.I’m financially dependent on her which is what she uses to manipulate me. She knows that I’m too overwhelmed to go to school full time and keep a job to support myself so she knows that I must tolerate her unreasonableness or be homeless.
For example, my car is at the mechanic and will be for a few days. She doesn’t drive anymore but she has a working car and whenever, in the past, I have asked her to use the car she says “No, you’ll break it.” Then I have to reason with her that her car is old and prone to random problems and that I am not the one to blame. This logic takes about an hour until she finally just throws the keys at me. Or, other times, she’ll simply blame me for things that go wrong with her car: “You drive to fast; you brake too hard; you [insert criticism].” No, grandma, you don’t get your oil changed until your engine starts smoking nor do you take it in for general maintenance–that is why your car breaks down.
But this time she just lied.
I took her keys this morning to go to the market–to buy HER ice cream–and pick up my check from work. I come home and put away the groceries while she’s in the kitchen yet she doesn’t ask me how I even got to the market without a car. I tell her I have a bbq to go to tomorrow, and I rarely go out so it’s kind of a big deal for me, and she just pauses and says “hmm, I wonder how you’ll get there. My car isn’t working right now.” BOLD-FACED LIE, I JUST DROVE THAT SHIT TODAY.
Then she gets pissed when she realizes her keys are missing like 30 mins. later and knocks violently at my door “where are my keys!?!” She then snatches them out of my hand saying “you know I don’t want you using my car!!” Uhh, no I didn’t know that. All I know is that you make excuses as to why I can’t use it. Then she walks off say how she’s so pissed that she can’t talk about anything right now.
Usually I try and be reasonable with her and calm, but I have no energy right now. I figure I’ll talk to her tonight and explain how she makes up excuses and resorts to lying so that I won’t use her car. Then I’m sure she’ll bring up how I ate all the blueberries and that I’m selfish and blah blah. Then I’ll just say, the reason I didn’t ask you is because you are unreasonable and difficult to communicate with. If I’d had asked you would have just lied to me anyways; what’s the point?
“It’s my car and because I said so!” Great. I already feel homeless and abandoned by my parents and then my grandma “rescues” me and treats me life a stranger.
When my family found out I had been taken to the psych ward for suicidal thoughts, NOT ONE PERSON asked why I was suicidal. They all completely avoided the issue and asked if I had to work that day.
Well, now I’m here waiting to see if I’m pregnant with my dead ex-boyfriend’s child. If I’m not, I’ve decided God has no mercy for me and is punishing me for my abortion last year and that there is no reason for me to live. I’ll know next week and times just seems to be snailing by with all of this anticipation…
Hey everyone !
I guess I just need some place safe to share my story before I put an end to it.
I am almost 18 now and since the day I was born I never found anything that was worth living for.
My dad used to beat up my mom , so I would stay with my grandma sometimes , so that I didn’t have to witness it. Growing up my mom ended up finding a way to escape with me and my brothers.
We were okay for a while…
My dad didn’t care about me anymore , and I had serious self esteem issues. All that led to series of self-harming sessions.
About 3years ago we moved to another country. I had to make new friends , learn to speak the language and the 1st year was really hard. So self-harming continued.
About a year ago my 1st boyfriend left me and I tried to commit suicide. I can assure you I spent the most horrible night of my lie in the hospital. But the worst part is , everyone kept saying I was really lucky to be alive.
I didn’t feel lucky at all , and I still don’t.
A year passed by and my oncle died of cancer.
My cousin , the only person that could understand me , moved away with her boyfriend because like me , she couldn’t stand living with these people anymore.
I found this guy. This dammaged poor guy. I loved him like I never loved someone in my life. I’m the kind of person that gets on with people really easy , but also leaves them really easy. But he was different.
I’m insane , and so is he.
Now he left me , because I took him for granted.
My mom spends her whole day in front on the computer , she is alone.
I hate her more than everything in this world. The other day she told me that never in her life she could imagine this kind of relationship with one of her kids.
She told me I should quit school , get a job and find a nice guy to start my life with.
She is insane too , she tatooed the name of a fake profile she met on the internet .
I can’t even remmember the last time she hugged me and actually meant it.
Anyways , I can’t repaire any of that. I can’t repaire myself no more.
I am broken , and I need a way out.Â
I’m 13, And have a crazy family. I Have a bipolar raging mother who beats me occasinally, A dad who could give less of a fuck, a brother and sister both younger who always push my buttons even if i’m already crying, and a grandma who doesn’t help. Â My mom is mainly the reason im here. I’ve been suicidal since i was 9. I’ve grown up mentally as well, i stay locked in my room almost everyday wondering what Â to do and how to die. I have countless scars on my arms from cutting, thinking it was the only way to escape , and now i’m at a horrible point of suicidal thoughts where i dont think i can turn back. I dont know how to though, ive thought of the usual shoot myself but i dont have a gun. I’ve thought of helium and drowning. I cry almost every night and my mother always complains to me to stop this “drama” . i hate every inch of myself, im the most insecure person ever. She’s stripped my confidence by calling me names my entire life. She hates me more then anything and when i tell the counselour and she calls my mom in, my mom pretends everythings just perfect. Nobody believes me thinking my family is the nicest. And i dont know what to do. my thoughts control me too, i stay up all night thinking of how life would be without me. I’ve lost the joy of wanting to hang out with friends and everything. I Wanna be alone but also wanna escape.
my grandma, my support, my best friend passed away feb. 28th of this year. the only way i can discribe my pain up.until.now is straight up denial. my family for the most part is supportive. within the past year i have delt with this and.rape. my parents are.on the verge of divorce. my friends are moving on with their lives and.i.feel alone. i am also.struggling with coming out about being bi. by looking at me you would have no idea all.this is happening in my life. i just need help, bitni dont want to be treated unhumane orr like a freak. trust me i seem like your everyday college party girl! please help!
My Grandpa committed suicide when he was 75 years old. He took his life in 2005, and my Dad found him. My Father. found. him! I, a 15 year old, watched as my Dad crumbled into a million pieces, literally broke down. A 6’3″ italian goomba fell to his knees in pain over the loss of his own father. My grandma was frozen in shock, numb to the fact her husband (going on 50 years) was no longer coming home after work, or bringing her white daisy’s on Sundays, or laughing to get her to smile. He was gone. Forever.
My grandpa had three beautiful children, four healthy grandchildren, and a timeless wife… and he takes his own life because he was too proud to admit his own failures. That is life, people! This may be news to you, but we ALL fail. Some hit rock bottom harder than others, but we all fail. I scroll through these posts about heartache and pain but you are still living. You have aÂ heartbeat! If I prick you, do you not bleed?
Goddamn, the things I would do to have one laugh, one smile, one look, one hug with my Grandpa again. He left us without a note, without a word, with no explanation, no money, no organization, or plan. He left his two sons and daughter because he couldn’t talk about it. That cold morning, he woke up like any other day, got ready for work, kissed my grandma on the forehead, opened up his shop, went out and took his own life. THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER WAY. I know you do not believe it in this moment, but I am telling you- the heartache you cast on all of the people in your life isÂ unimaginable.
Yet if hope has flown away In a night, or in a day, In a vision, or in none, Is it therefore the less gone? All that we see or seem Is but a dream within a dream.
-A Dream Within A Dream
You are worthy. You are loved.
Keep it in your head *****, you can’t do it yet, your grandma is still alive and your sister is little.
Im 19, A few years after I was Born my parents divorced and my mom and I moved away from the big city to a smaller city not to far. The divorced didnt effect me much because I was so young but it showed in my mother and she began to drink a lot.
by the time I was in grade 3 I was very unhappy with life, There was rarely any food to eat in the house and I was in a very abusive relationship with my mother. I was regularly running away from home and staying with my grandmother who lived in the same city. Â unfortunately my grandmother was very old and unable to take care of me full time.
When I got into grade 4 I was still going thru the same things at home and was an outcast at school, regularly getting suspended and into fights.
I had a few friends but had a hard time relating with other kids.
Fed up with life I just needed to talk to someone so i contacted the school guidance councilor and she issured me everything would be our little secret. I told her everything and she lied and got childrens aid involved.
this sparked a huge investigation in my mom and made her very unhappy. I didnt know what to do I was was scared of being thrown into another family so I went with my moms stories and lied to them,
that summer I tried to hang myself but the rope broke, I tried wrapping it around my neck and passed out. when I woke up shocked to be alive my neck was bruised and sore, and I thought about what my grandma and grandpa would do if i had actually killed myself.
My grandparents were the only people to spend quality time with me as a kid. they where the only people to believe in me and keep me going all these years.
After that still unhappy with life I decided that I wasnt going to kill myself while my grandparents where alive and the only option was to suck it up and go on with life. I was now old enough to stop the beatings and abuse from my mom and spent most of my days drawing alone locked in my room.
In grade 6 I had a horrible relationship with my teacher, She was constantly picking on me and making examples of me to the class. I began to get picked on and i lashed out, resulting in many days of inschool suspention and finally she held me back to repeat grade 6.
I couldnt believe it, I had never heard of someone failing a grade in elementry school. I was convinced it was my mom and the teachers fault.
I started to think about killing myself again. I contacted my dad still living in the big city, explained my situation and asked if I could come live with him. he agreed and I packed up and moved in with him.
Things started to finally look up, I got in with the popular kids at my new school, had no problem getting girls, started to gain lots of confidence and was doing really well in school getting honors for grade 6,7,8. I hadn’t even thought about killing myself once since I left my moms.
In grade 8 my dad began to get more strict and school oriented, grounding me all the time and making me come home early study. I was already doing well in school and just wanted to hang out and have fun with my friends.
I began to start visiting my mom again on the weekends who had cleaned up her act and found a new boyfriend with a good job that she moved in with.
When I graduated elementry school I was upset with how strict my father was being and I longed for the freedom my mother gave me on the weekends. So I told my Dad I wanted to go back and live with my mom an her boyfriend.
My Dad didnt seem to keen saying that my mother was irresponable and things wont be the way I thought, I didnt listen and went to live with my mother anyway.
That summer I had more fun then I had ever had in my life, staying out all night with friends partying and caring on I never wanted it to end.
Then highschool started, Missing the summer fun, I got heavy into the party crowd, partying every night, nd selling and doing as much drugs as I could get my hands on. this distructive path continued until one night I crashed a stolen car almost killing me and 3 other passengers.Â after that I knew I had to stop everything I was doing so i didnt hurt myself or anyone else.
When I recovered and got back to school everyone had already heard.. everyone was making fun of me. I felt like I had no one and slipped into a depressive state for 6 months sleeping every single day waking up only to use the bathroom and eat what food my mom left at the door for me.
I finally snapped out of it but never went back to school.
I knew I didnt want to live anymore but didnt know if suicide was the answer so I turned back to the life of drugs, andÂ partying.
the next summer I Â got pulled over for a D.U.I, lost my licence and havent had a car since. which really puts a damper on my life in a city with limited public transit.
I Started going out every night, making as much money as I could, doing as many drugs as I could and having sex with as many girls as i could.
until one day I notice some bumps in my genital area, i think its nothing but still decided to get checked out… turns out it was HPV and a few months later it had spread covering my whole genital area. i went back and saw my doctor and he said there was nothing he could do and it would go away on its own If I stay healthy.
I quit drugs, drinking and smoking cold turkey, started working out. but I Â wouldnt take no for an answer saw another doctor that had them burned off but they kept coming back.
Its been 2 and a half years now, Ive stayed off drugs and ive tried everything i could find or do to get rid of them with no result.
This is where I am now. I hate my life. I literally lost all my friends, never finished highschool and work a shitty job at a fast foodÂ restaurant.Â Im living pay check to pay check, and I come home every night to my empty basement apartment full of sorrow and regret.
For the last year I go to bed every night hoping I dont wake up And hope to get hit by a car everytime I go out. ive been seriously contemplating suicide again, even day dreaming about it. At first I didnt think I could do it, thinking about how it could affect everyone in my life but these past couple days ive been thinking FUCK everyone else IM unhappy, IM the one who has to go thru this everyday, IM the one that hates myself.
They wouldnt understand what im going thru. And These past couple days ive been seriously thinking about doing it, even picked out the tree and have the rope I would use.
But something inside me says dont do it. I dont know what else to do or who to talk to. I feel like a lost soul walking the earth just waiting to be set free
This Is My Story
I think it’s time for me to go. I’m still fucked up, if not more fucked up than when I first came here. Trevor loves Kendall, and I think it’s time for me to realize it. Yeah, he flirts with me, but he flirts with pretty much every girl; he’s a flirty person. He doesn’t like me. My grandma isn’t going to get better. Lacey and Papa aren’t going to come back. My parents love my little sister more than they love me. I can’t make them happy. I take all Pre-AP courses offered, I quit cutting, I’ve never had detention, I’ve kept all A’s, Â I took the ACT and made a 22, I’ve been in band for 2 years and kept first chair the whole time, and there’s so many more things. Are they happy? No. I’m always doing something wrong. I can’t be sad or be alone. They get mad and give me a lecture. Then they ground me. They ground me for wanting to be alone. They ground me for being in a bad mood. I’m sick of it. This whole time, they’ve loved my sister more than they loved me. What did I do wrong? I know they love Megan more because she never gets in trouble. If we fight, I get in trouble. I’ll be in a good mood, she’ll be in a bad one, and then she’ll be mean to me, and I’ll get in trouble for it. I don’t even do anything and I still get in trouble! Hell, I stay in my room to avoid getting in trouble, and I get in trouble. I don’t talk so I can’t get in trouble for being hateful, and I get in trouble. Megan will hit me, and then I’ll tell her to stop, she won’t, and I’ll scream at her to stop. I get in trouble. I can’t hit her back. “Oh no, Courtney, you can’t hit her; you’re bigger than her!” is what I hear all the time. “But she hit me first! What am I supposed to do?” is what I say. “Just stand there and take it! It’s not like she can hitÂ thatÂ hard!” is what I hear. But here’s what they don’t know: it does hurt. And I hurt her back anyway because I’m not going to stand there and let that little brat do whatever the hell she wants to do! She does hit hard, and if I don’t do anything, she keeps on! I’m sorry, I don’t like bruises! Anyway, I’m sick of it all. I’m not killing myself yet, but I probably will. I just don’t want to deal with this anymore. Goodbye.
Well where do I start. I havent been on here for a while, mainly because I dont have a computer or for that matter much of anything in life. I just had a lot on my mind today and had to reach out to someone who could understand. Haha I just decided to quit smoking today too but just like everyother time I try to quit some bullshit is popping up and it drives at my fucking skin. anyways this might be a long story but like i said I havent been on here for a while and actualy I thought I was seeing a turnaround in my life,but man was I a fucking fool. I got this boss that I have been working for . Hes a morbidly overweight bastard who runs around on his wife and lies to the customers and its just all about him. We do tree work by the way. I run the saws and chop the trees and all he does is run the bobcat. Im like out the door at 8 in the morn and dont get back till bout 6 in the evening and he gives me fifty fucking dollars. oh jesus you got to be kiddin me. I just cant be working for this dude much longer because I know it wouldnt take much to kick his ass. anyway hes all telling me to be cheery and think positive but I cant pay my bills and hes all the time pulling out these knots of cash. I done my good deeds for this year a couple of months ago and I got an apartment so that my grandma could come to stay with me and my girlfriend was going to take care of her while im out slaving everyday. I was able to get her out of the nursing home before she passed. and now it looks like I might lose it…in more ways than one…..You know what Im just going to say this..and this is just how it is for me….Im fucking tired of life. Im tired of trying my damdest and never getting no where.. I know that my grandma is about to pass and i really think that she is the lucky one. I cant wait until my turn. I want to go to sleep from this shithole I breathe in and wake up somewhere where I never have to worry about nothing.not even the air i have to breathe here. In one of my previous post I was talking bout my drug addiction in the past and about how I survived all of that,yet im still stuck with these crazy thoughts..I worked hard to get away from that shit and i still got this mentality bullshit going on inside my head everyday like another person is living in me and constantly reminding me of what I was and telling me whats going to happen in my relationships and I dont know how to make those thoughts of paranoia or anxiety or whatever it is I struggle with to just go the fuck away. However there was one good thing that came out of the drugs. I knew this guy who used to make crystal meth all the time. and some years later they found out he had cancer spreading all over his body. Its must of had something to do with the chemicals and the poisons… maybe like 6 or 7 years ago i noticed knots forming in areas of my body. I went to the doctor while I was in prison because I thought it was a hernia. Turns out it was a lymphnode or however you spell that. since then I have had other knots come up and Im starting to think I may have tainted myself with the chemicals. I could only pray for that. Its like a golden ticket to the otherside right….If I could find a way to go and do it with no pain… at this point in my life id be on the ride.I seen this tattoo once said born to be hated and dying to be loved. seems like I been an outcast all my life and I really dont like people and i dont trust no one for shit. and im just lookimg for the right day to die so that i dont have to struggle to maintain the puzzle thats barely stitched together beneath the base of my skull
It all started in my Freshman year. I was in my Ancient History class and these guys would whisper “*****” as i walked by. Throughout my first semester i was called lesbian, fat, ugly, whore, and *****. I would go home and think how everyone would be better off without me there.
December 8,2012 my world crashed down around me. My grandfather Skip who stepped in and took care of my grandma and my mom and her sisters Â for 17 years passed away from cancer. He was a vietnam veteran he made myÂ familyÂ smile Â through the bad. he was the funniest person ever. It made me cry to see him go under the ground knowing i wont see him smile again.I had this one friend who wasn’t there for me she only cared about her stupid breakup and i was so pissed off at her.
After winter break i made a picture of my friend it was funny. But she told all her friends. Â and this one chick told me to kill myself. Like i probably would if i wasnt trying to help my family through this tough time. She and her friends wont stop looking at me and making fun of me behind my back. Â Trying to turn my friends against me.
The beginning of January i took a trip to see my other grandfather Pappy who was battlingÂ Lung Cancer at the time and he knew he wasn’t going to make it toÂ ChristmasÂ this year. After we spent three days with him and my grandmother we went ourÂ separateÂ ways.Â FebruaryÂ 1, 2o13 I got a dreadful call from my father saying Pappy had passed away. Â He was crying on the other line. my heart shattered. I’m only 15 years old and i’m going through so much. My grandma and Pappy were married for 50 years. I haven’t seen her since i went to visit and i haven’t spoken to her i can’t comprehend whats going on with her. she’s not on facebook anymore. i just want to see her.
To this day i wonder why i was out on this world people constantly tell me no one likes me. i’m not pretty enough or that i’m weird.
It’s not my fault i’m like this i fake smile.i hide the pain with jokes.
I think about what death is and it scares me knowing your going to sleep and not waking up you just stop breathing and living and it scares me. But maybe im not meant to be on this planet.
I forgot to mention that i was dating this guy who turned out to cheat on me.
I’ve cut so much after that knowing i wasn’t worth is.
I’m tired ofÂ strugglingÂ to smile or be happy.