There was a point in my life (or several points) where I believed I would never make it this far. 20 years old. In junior high, I was never supposed to make it to high school. In high school, I was never supposed to graduate. After graduation, it was supposed to happen before I was 18. With the mind I had at 13 years of age, I there was no chance I would ever make it to a 3rd decade of life, my 20’s.
Despite everything… here I am, still alive, Â in my 3rd year of university. Â There have been so many setbacks in my life. Every time I start feeling okay again, some darkness has crept into my mind and clouded the way I should see the world. For so long, I have believed that I’m not meant to be happy, that I’m too lost, and that the world would be better off if I simply never existed. I wrote letter upon letter trying to explain why what I was thinking actually made sense. But it didn’t make sense. The last suicide note that I tried to write was 20 pages long with a small font and much editing, and it was never finished. I didn’t know how to end it. How could I possibly justify my removal from the world’s equation? No words in the English language were comforting enough to make it okay. I was at a loss. Despite knowing with all of my heart and soul that the world would be better off without me, I couldn’t explain how I knew it to be true.
That’s when I began to realize that it isn’t rational. Maybe I knew all along, but I really tried to focus on that. It isn’t okay. The world wouldn’t be better off without me, that is just my perception. I know that my perception is my reality, but sometimes you have to take in more information to know what’s right. I was surrounded by people who loved me, but I convinced myself otherwise to explain my death wish. I told myself that everything they did was out of obligation, and not by guilt-free choice. Nobody actually cared about me, I was just there so they had to do something about it.
I’m the queen of emotional suppression, but inside it has always been constant turmoil. Anxiety, depression, and a complete lack of self-confidence/worth made it impossible for me to see the bright side of things. I acknowledge that sometimes there isn’t a bright side, sometimes bad things just happen and the only good that comes out of it is your ability to exist beyond the situation (which is hardly a bonus when your memories haunt you constantly). I’m still here, despite all of the shit (there is no better word for it) that has happened to me in my life. I still have days where it feels like I want to sleep for the rest of time and never wake up, days where every painful breath seems like a step in the opposite direction I want to go. But I’m still here.
I’m starting my 3rd decade, guys. I made it.
9 comments
Happy Birthday, Jolene 🙂
I’m glad you made it.
Hi5
Hey Jolene….love,love,loved this. It’s your birthday and you gave everyone else a gift. Nice.
The thirties are great…the forties are awesome…hope you keep on keeping on. So much to learn…so little time really. What changed your perspective? Or is this a case of time does heal all wounds? Or when we know better we do better? Just curious.
Hope you have a great day and a bright future
Peace
Amakua
Your a survivor for sure. Look at how many obstacles you have over come ! Just wait and see what your next accomplish is!
Thanks guys.
@Amakua honestly, it was a clean break from a lot of the toxic influences I had in my life. I stopped drinking, which I didn’t feel was a problem because I wasn’t dependent on alcohol. But I realized that it was a problem because I never knew when to stop once I started, and I always ended up in a compromising situation (often with no memory as to how I got there or what had happened). From there, I started spending more time playing my sport and I fell deep deep in love with someone. I couldn’t be good enough for him until I revamped my thinking. I actually almost think I’m good enough for him now, which is the first time I’ve ever come close to feeling that way. Now I still have the occasional panic attack, but they’re coming less and less often because I’m actually processing my emotions instead of ignoring them and focusing on less desirable things. He gave me a spark and I made it a fire.
@blackhole thank you, it’s certainly been a long road.
Hey Jolene,
That makes sense now…lol. I quit drinking myself ooooh almost 20 years ago. I found that alcohol made my situation worse…or rather when drinking…I made my situation worse…haha. One because alcohol is a depressant…and two I allowed my anger to surface when drinking…and usually ended up in a bar fight or two or well…it wasn’t pretty. I loved how you described processing your emotions instead of ignoring them…that is the key eh? I also became more selective about what I would read or watch as well…I found even literature played a big role in my “moods”. Really happy to hear a success story. I also dealt with panic disorder…not fun…but with coping skills such as breathing and relaxation techniques I was even able to overcome that eventually.
Wishing you all the best life has to offer
Amakua
Yeah that’s pretty much the conclusion I came to as well. Alcohol brings out the worst of my anguish/despair.
I would say that it’s important to understand why you feel the way you do, and not just let it be there like some cloud hovering hat’s blocking out the sun. If you don’t know why it’s there, you won’t be able to get rid of it. These things have to be dealt with, they can’t be ignored or they build up until you do something dumb. Like cutting or walking down the middle of a highway in the middle of the night. And those things just make you feel worse about yourself, perpetuating the cycle.
I find that my mood correlates very highly with the amount of reassurance I’m getting. If I don’t hear from someone that I’m a good person, or that they like me, I start to feel like the opposite is true and then I apply it to all of my life situations. I wouldn’t say I have panic disorder, I just have panic attacks relating (I assume) to traumatic things that happened to me earlier on in my life.
And the same to you , Amakua
Hey Hey Jolene…are you sure you just turned 30?…make me feel old and stoopid…hahaha Seriously…amazing insight…and still soooo young. I try to explain this to others…and…meh…not so good…but you did an awesome job of explaining how our thoughts affect our perception and hence our reality. Nice.
I was diagnosed with PTSD with multiple traumas…so I get you there…and also a GAD…so I definitely understand panic attacks as well as body memories and flashbacks…but I am now 51. I am still working on my issues…but it took me half my life to get this screwed up…I figure I’ll take the second half and fix me…hehehe
Nice to hear you are doing better and have hope for your future. Just don’t forget to enjoy today eh? I always say…when I live in my past I get depressed…when I live in my future…I get anxious…the only place I feel good…is in the present…right now. Do you think this is what “they” mean by “living in the moment”? lol
Peace and Love
Ama
Happy Birthday, Jolene
happy birthday to you
your another year old today! ta da!
Hello Ama MY FAVORITE HIPPIE CHICKIE!
Well I turned 20 haha, not 30. 30 would be the 4th decade. But thank you 🙂
That doesn’t sound like a boatload of fun to be honest, but you seem to me to be quite an awesome person despite it all. And maybe working through it makes you seem even more awesome for doing so.
May I ask what you mean by body memories? Good to hear you are working on yourself! Everybody should do that more often, the world would be a better place.
That’s a good way of looking at it. There isn’t anything anyone can do about the future except change what they’re doing in the present. Being worried about it doesn’t really help fix anything. Although sometimes it is hard to stay “in the moment”. Living in the past makes me depressed too although I don’t have as much past to work with!
Hope things are still moving smooth
Thanks rocketman!!!