I’ve been working really hard to get away from daily suicidal thoughts for nearly a year now. My therapist has been pleased, I’m a lot happier, I have no side effects from my medication and I’ve finally finished my postgrad degree. Then at a party on Sunday, a “friend” started talking to me about my future. I told her she already knew what I was aiming for: a job in my field within a year or something similar. If I can’t see a future for myself, then I will kill myself. So she starts on me “Do you think you are selfish in wanting to leave all your friends to grieve forever when you’re gone?” So I said “Not really, but some people might call it selfish”. She: “You ought to be ashamed of yourself, making yourself happy [sic] by suicide and making everyone else terribly sad. They may never recover”. Me: “Well I can’t afford to look after their mental health if I can’t look after my own. So on those grounds, I MUST be selfish- taking care of myself first”. She raved on…”You could start a business… that will require some capital…you could borrow it…” etc To me who is jobless, wageless, allowance-less and superannuation-less. So realistic. NOT. Will people at least give me something to genuinely look forward to? I’m no longer much good at self-generating enthusiasm for anything.
Now, I could have had a great Christmas for once in 20 years, but no- her voice is in my head. I am trying to defeat it now, but I spent 2 days in bed, sedated and trying to do pleasant easy things getting here. It’s just given me a jaded view of all the socialising that’s still to happen. What a bloody shame.
I WANT to be happy.
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3 comments
I know what you mean and that sounds pretty similar to what I’ve been dealing with, I got better this summer and now… All I want to dl is honestly get a large bottle of something very alcoholic and drink it by myself till I forget about being empty inside
Anyways my advice “fuck that dumb skank’s opinion she’s an idiot” hope you feel better
Hey Mumblechops,
You bring up the subject of suicide in a social setting? That’s not cool. I understand…but you shouldn’t have said what you did to her. What did you want her to say? Were you just going for shock value? Sorry but what you did was not cool. Better times and places for that sorta conversation…like with a therapist, on SP…but your friend at a party? What were you thinking?
And now you are blaming her for ruining your Xmas? Seriously…get yourself under control…you are creating a mountain out of a molehill here. Get over it. Xmas will be whatever you make of it.
Peace
Amakua
I think Amakua is onto something here. As harsh as it may sound, bringing something like this up at a social function is something I don’t think many people would recommend … irrespective how well you know the person you’ve brought this up with. Perhaps your friend just thought she was trying to help.
I’ve spoken about my feelings with just a handful of very close friends. None of them were at Christmas parties, though. I’ve had reactions ranging from being called a selfish c**t right through to receiving an impromptu hug from another friend of mine that is also fighting the same battle I am, only neither of us knew of each other’s struggle.