Yep. I do not know how much more I can take of life. I’ve about had it.
I feel like my problems are so minuscule compared to others and that it’s selfish for me to feel this way. It only makes it worse. I don’t try to be this way.
I’m a senior in high school this year. Supposed to be the “best year of your life”. Bullshit. Everyone sees me as a good kid that has everything figured out. Maybe because when I wake up every morning I put on a fake smile and act like I give a shit about life when honestly I could care less if I live or die.
My relationship with my dad is nonexistent. We live in the same house and say maybe a hey along with a simple question each day. He had a major accident a couple years ago that left him partially paralyzed an in the hospital for months on end. I had to grow up so fast and become the man of the house as a 15 year old. We fight and yell. It was the same before the accident too, nothing changed. I have no father figured to help guide me that I can turn to. My house is miserable and angry. My grades are average and my average ACT score went down after countless hours of studying and spending money on a tutor. I’ll get into a mediocre college with what tiny bit of motivation I can find within. I don’t know why I’m interested in, I don’t really have any hobbies. I find it hard to get joy out of anything these days, even if it was a present I asked for yesterday I couldn’t seem to get excited about it. I do not even know who I am to be honest.
I’m sick of high school. I’ve been told I’m attractive. One girl even said model potential. What good does it do when I have no personality, no life or energy. I guess you could say I’m ‘socially awkward. I have only two real friends that both live 2 hours away. I’m ‘friends’ with everyone during school but not a single one could care to call or invite me to so something outside of school. So everyday I get to sit and listen to what everyone did one the weekend while I was out by myself. I get to read tweets or see Instagram posts about everyone with all of their friends or their best friend. And then there’s me, sitting at home playing Xbox or riding around wasting gas to act like I’m doing something in my life. I haven’t had a girlfriend in all of high school. Hell I can’t hold a conversation about anything but sports. Anything else I just find myself sitting there not saying anything because I struggle so bad when it seems so natural to everyone else; I don’t get it. I don’t get invited to any of the senior parties. I hate it here. The only thing keeping me from killing myself is my family.
Everyone at school would suddenly care about me if I committed suicide when they couldn’t give a shit before. I find the falseness of everyone at my school quite humorous to be honest.
3 comments
Hey~
I am a 17 yr old girl in last year of high school, too. You may want to read my most recent post concerning a few aspects of my life… and see how much it relates to you.
I was really depressed when I posted, but now I’ve calmed down a whole lot and have a clear mind so let me help YOU.
You are in last year of school, so it should be fine. And trust me, people change. A friend of mine was soo shy she didn’t even talk to everyone in the class, back in 8th grade. But now, 4 yrs later, she is even much much more popular than I am.
You too, dear. You too will change with time. My advice is: don’t bother about anyone who will not be a big deal in your life 5 years from now.
Survive! GBU
High school is a really dangerous time to be having thoughts like this. You’re almost finished, and then everything that happened (or didn’t happen) wont matter anymore. You will meet new people, and by the sounds of it you know how to weed out the fake friends from the real ones which will be a huge plus for you. I’ve been out of high school for 7 years now, and even though I have good memories from school, I still remember how it felt like that was the entire world, and when something went wrong, it felt horrible. Once you’re finished, you can leave and don’t ever have to look back. SO, just finish, and at least give college a try. I think you’ll be surprised at how different (and more mature/accepting/easy going) everyone there will be. That’s how it was for me, and mostly everyone that I know. Chin up!
You have figured out something that is very important. Instead of being bummed about it, perhaps you can relish the fact that you worked it out much sooner than others. Yep, in this life, you will have some core people whom you love and who love you. In fact, the so-called “psychology of happiness” says that people with a few deep friendships are much happier than those with a lot of shallow friendships. I always knew this was true, but when my son killed himself 8 months ago, the core important people in my life are who have kept me here. The shallow friendships proved to be just that…utter bullshit. I agree with the other posters: you are young and you will change. And you will find those few critical people in your life. Let me also add that most of your peers feel exactly the same way as you do. It’s just a weird, shitty time for a lot of people. If you are depressed, please tell your parents. And PLEASE use the word suicide. I am like a broken record on this aspect, but your parents will not understand how down you really are unless you let them know you are contemplating suicide. Trust me: I am fairly smart and well informed, but I did not fathom my son’s sense of desperation because no one used the word”suicide.” You feel bad enough to be on this site, so please be honest with them. Last thing: who gives a crap about the school you go to and your ACT score. You will find your passion regardless of the school you go to and adults rarely define themselves or their success on the basis of the school they went to. My son was at a top university l–yes, in the world, not just the US and he had unimaginable scores on the SAT and SAT subject scores. But I would give anything to have him in this world–in school, out of school. I simply don’t give much of a damn abut this stuff. You poor kids get so much pressure out on you when in the end it just doesn’t matter that much. I do well for myself and am well respected in my field. Never does anyone ask me what schools I went to. So please give yourself a break on that front. It will all work out. But if you are feeling sad and suicidal, step one is to ask for help from someone who has your back–like your mom and/or dad. If you need my help in any way, you can reach me at my username at gmail. Please take care of yourself. You will find your way, you will find your core group, and you will find happiness. I really believe this. Best wishes.