Dear Reader,
I will hang myself in a few minutes. I know it’s selfish and harmful to my family, friends and people I know. I know I can continue my life somehow but I feel depressed and anxious all the time. I don’t feel like I can function successfully in society for more than a few weeks or month. As shown by my failing in my 3rd first semester of university, despite getting good grades initially. Maybe staying home and relying on someone else for the rest of my life is an option for me, yet I can’t do that. It’s embarrassing and pathetic.
There are things I want out of life, like to do something of importance, like write a book, be part of a film, and publish poetry. I do also want things like love, which I’ve experienced I believe, great travel experiences, discovering and drinking wines. I want to have amazing discussions that develop in all sorts of ways, without realizing the time passing you by. I think there is so much in the world I am curious about, so much I want to discover; in the form of people, art and science. I want to know how the brain works, why people act the way they do. I want to discover music that affects me in a unique way. I want to write something that can affect others, that will be absorbed and understood.
I have a lot of people I care for, people I don’t want to hurt. My mother, my father, my brothers and my sister. I do care, but I’m more selfish, in that I know I won’t feel guilt once I’m gone. I have friends, old and new. Ones who’ve disappointed me, ones I’ve disappointed. Ones who’ve been there for a while that I still think about. Ones I’m still figuring out. I wish I don’t cause anyone too much harm. I have one person whom I fell in love with; I discovered a lot from him. I’ve learned and discovered a lot what I now want. I know love, a relationship, can be so affecting and effective. I can imagine a life I’d like. A difficult one, but worth the trouble.
I can see the hypocrisy in my words. I realize there must be an alternative, to what I’m about to do. Yet, I don’t want to think about it. I’ll just stop worrying about it. I will stop thinking and be like I was before life.
Frozen in this moment, unable to see
It is quieter than I believed it would be
Serene scene, in unexplored world
It all looks the same, yet it’s not
Sleep comes soon, no singing for me
Far from me, you will not be happy
Go about your lives, no matter how difficult I’ve made it,
Sincerely, Me.
2 comments
Sad though it may be, in it’s own sense that was a little bit beautiful.
Thought I might as well post it.