Do you live in circles too? Maybe squares or smth?
I live in little, tiny suicide circles. Soon enough everything comes back to it. And I’ve even found a decent way to do it, with pills that simply make your heart stop, if overdosed. It seems so unbelievably simple. I understand that it wouldn’t be painless  etc, but the fact of death – the possibility of dying to my damaged brain seems like a miracle, something magical.
There’s nothing for me here. I’m really ugly and not the only one who thinks that way, so it’s not my imagination. And, as you know, beauty in this world means so much.. I’ve been depressed since I remember myself. People always used to ask me when I was little why I wouldn’t smile. They still ask that. I can’t name one thing in my life that is not fucked up.
I wish there would be some other way. But it’s so miserable to live like this, so miserable. The only thing I can’t figure out is the suicide note. What the hell from all of the bullshit in my head should I write? That I’m a fucking weak peace of crap, that I didn’t want to hurt anyone, that I feel really sick, oh god, if only anyone could know how sick I feel. Like something’s terribly wrong with me, like there’s something inside me that can’t get out, something I don’t understand, and it keeps on tormenting me, tearing me apart in ways that are not describable. And I see no other way but to kill myself in order to kill that thing.
Help me, god, universe, whateverthefuck is out there or whereverthefuck, just help me for once, I want to live just like everybody else on this planet, why am I the one to lose my mind and die. fck.
4 comments
You’re not the only one I fear. It’s difficult to say for such a goodbye note what to write, if anything.
Heima, I’ve been writing “suicide notes” or making statements to everyone. Doctors, family, friends. While this might increase the risk of someone stopping me, I’m doing this for 2 reasons: 1) Although I feel as hopeless as you describe, I am trying to see if someone out there will hear me and try to help. 2) So that after I DO kill myself, people won’t be as shocked or questioning why I did it. It will be obvious. The only note I plan to leave is for the police to avoid autopsy.
What you wrote while trying decide what to write feels like a good start. *hugs* I hope whateverthefuck comes to your rescue though.
Heima, if you get to read this, there’re no such pills you’re talking about. Whatever thing you have in your hands now is nothing but a piece of crap that will double up your problem. Trust my experience. And consider the circumstances, nothing works immediately. About the suicide note, you may not leave one if you don’t want to.