I lost what I loved most

I have had a loss and I hope there is someone out there who will understand. I lost my job this past April and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss it with all of my soul. You are probably thinking – who the fuck cares about a job? I did. It wasn’t a job – it wasn’t even a career – it was everything to me. It was my whole life and my passion.

My job was that I was an environmental instructor at a camp. I worked mainly with kids from ages 7-12. I taught all sorts of outdoor fun programs – everything from astronomy to survival to animals and plants. I planned and executed hundreds of programs. I spent nearly every waking minute thinking of new and exciting programs for the kids to do, not because I had to, but because I truly loved my work. I wanted them to have fun more than anything else. Hopefully, they learned something, but more than anything I wanted them to enjoy their time at the center and maybe learn a thing or two.

I also worked with the kids when they came camping. I’d visit them and see if they had everything they needed. I would often take them on hikes to look at the stars for free. I still remember the girls running up to me and giving me some burnt, sugary concoction they’d made over the campfire. They always gave me too much food. I remember talking to scared kids and adults and trying to make them feel welcome. I took so much pride in that camp. I took so much pride in my job. I loved, and I mean LOVED it.

I was grateful Every. Single. Day. for that job. I felt like I’d died and gone to heaven. I mean, there were the stupid meetings and that office bullshit, but other than that, it was perfect. I felt like I’d been put here on this planet for that – like I’d finally found my purpose. I’d walked around my entire life lonely, separate, apart, and looked down on…. then I came there and my whole world changed. I felt accepted and wanted for the first time in my life. I felt like I was a part of something. I was HELPING people, something I desperately have always wanted to do. I was teaching about my passion – the stars – to people. My God, who in this world could ask for more? How many of us are so un-fucking-believably lucky that they get to do something wonderful AND get paid for it???  I was, for nearly 5 years. I was in heaven.

Then, the new boss came. She was like a bull in a china shop. I’ll never understand who hired her or why. She hated the center, hated the camp, hated the programs, and hated me and my immediate supervisor at the center.  She had grand ideas and plans and called everything we did there crap. She said we were failures even though we had a 99.6% approval rating. Every day she told me what a shitty job I did. At first I knew she was lying, but over time, I heard it so much that I started to believe it. My depression got worse and worse. I became very suicidal (still am). She took away all my responsibilities with the camp, teaching, and the kids, and turned me into a salesman for the company. The job I loved so much had ended.

I held on for a few more months, hoping whoever had hired her would realize that she had singlehandedly destroyed everything everyone there had built and get her the fuck out of there. She was so fucking incompetent, but still kept right on destroying everything. My supervisor, who had been there for 10 years, quit. His presence was all that was keeping me sane. So I did the only respectful thing I could for myself: I quit.

I walked out of there with my head up, knowing I had done everything I could do to the best of my ability. I had given my soul. I had nothing else to give. Looking back over it, I can’t think of one more fucking thing I could have done to save the situation. I tried everything and nothing worked. Not one goddamn thing.

Now, 8 months later, I am still grieving. I ask myself every day why the fuck does the universe give such beautiful gifts only to tear them away? Why? Is it karma?? Bad luck?? What did I do wrong? Was I not grateful enough? Was I really a failure like she said? Was everything I did shit? Am I as useless as she said? Am I? I don’t know. I honestly don’t know, but  I am terrified to think maybe she was right and I am shit, actually.

I am so lost. There is this indescribable void in my life.  I can’t fill it. I don’t even know where to start. Where? How? My God, what do I do now? I fit nowhere. I am back to being that shitty, unpopular, disgusting nobody I was my whole life and I hate it. I hate me. I hate her. I hate the company that let her tear down my world. I am filled with grief, rage, and emptiness… and so much I can’t describe. I am so alone.

All I want is to go back. I keep thinking this is all a bad dream and I will wake up someday, back on camp and happy again. I have a new job, but I don’t like it because I am not helping people in it. I am grateful as hell for my job, especially with the economy in this country that is coming apart slowly but surely at the seams. But, I cry every day on the way to work. I just want my old life back.

In two days, it’s the Solstice: my new year. I am planning a ritual in which I burn scraps of paper with what I want to discard written on them. This pain and loss will be at the top of that list. But, somehow, I get the sinking suspicion that it won’t go like I want it too. I think this may be one scar that will never heal.

I pray every day to die so this pain will leave me for sure. Why can’t I?

Thanks for listening.