Five hundred.
Five hundred and one.
Five hundred and two.
Five hundred and fifty.
Five hundred and sixty.
Five hundred and seventy eight.
The numbers are there, but I can’t help bursting into tears everytime I realize I’m not cutting deep enough. That I can’t. I know it’s a user problem but I blame my razor. The blades not sharp enough. That’s why I’m cutting so lightly. That’s why I haven’t been able to cut over a centimeter deep. I’d numb my leg like a post suggested, but that freaks me out.
It’ll never be deep enough. I’ll never be good enough to press harder.
73 comments
that’s exactly what runs through my head every time I try. I mean, I’ve seen the scars other people have, and ironically enough, I get jealous that they have the pain tolerance and the willpower to do it. but perhaps we shouldn’t romanticize self-injury. don’t you think five hundred and seventy eight one centimeter cuts are just as significant as a hundred five centimeter cuts?
hope that wasnt my post :/… but stay strong <3
I wish. I really wish. But I hate myself so much…I have this friend beautiful if nothing else. Smart, wonderful singer, has many friends, and is really quite funny. That’s not why I envy her. And envy her I do. She has thousands of cuts, running down her legs. Each a few centimeters deep. She basically lives in the hospital, from blood loss and lack of nutrients (she’s anorexic)
And somehow I’m jealous of her. Why? Oh that’s right. My girlfriend’s in love with her. She spends all the time she’s not with me with this other girl. Wouldn’t bother me if I girlfriend hadn’t admitted to being in love with this other girl. So maybe if I eat less then I already do (bout 500 calories a day) threw up more, and cut deeper she’d love me more.
Ugh. If I had read what I just wrote in this comment two years ago, I would’ve laughed and called myself a stupid teenage ***** that knows nothing of love. Eh. Still true.
You know what this means solitary. You owe me a scapel.
:/ you know what happens if I give you a sorta dull scalpel right Greed?
C, I’m scared. I wan’t to help. I really do.
I know M, I know. But right now I’m working on it.
After that conversation I know u do
*sigh* I’m not the one who needs help. Said girl from comment up there ^ just got a report from hope, she’s in the hospital. Again.
First of all focus on yourself for now. After your better you can use what you’ve learned to help others.
I’m already conceited enough. I shouldn’t focus on myself.
Thats how people get so depressed. They don’t focus on what they want and need.
My wants are trivial, I need nothing as long as someone else needs it more. Really Greed, I’m fine. This week I’m just going to STOP focusing on myself and finally get to helping you.
I will be fine. You helping your self will help me. So go on. Be a bit Greedy. Its only human nature. |-D
*sigh* I can’t right now. Well..can I ask a favor. An extremely stupid favor?
What?
Said friend that’s in the hospital…the one I was jealous of..she’s dying. HOPE’S making me stay up all night…the night before midterms. :/ could you possibly hide out and stay up too? It’s okay if you can’t, I understand
Yup
Thanks 🙂
So the famous Dawg has appeared. ^_^
Yes, yes he has 🙂
Great. I Met this cool guy at the stress center named Luc. If he is on this site here is a shout out.
Mhmmm I’ve always wondered how many people are on this site..
I bet a lot.
😀 you don’t say. Bu I never hear from alex or daissy. They’re on here too.
Really? What are their user names?
They’re not on much. So I won’t tell you Alex’s (it’s fucking weird) but daissy’s is daissy.
k
You know I don’t have to give you the box cutter, I can just throw it away.
I could find something duller and bent and really jack my self up. 🙂
Or you could not do that.
I can and will. The most dangerous animal is the one cornered.
Fiiiiine. God, why does my hurting myself directly effect you??!
Because if i do this you’ll want to stop.
Greed 🙁 you’ll just end up getting hurt. A lot. Three others do this to me too. One for a year and a half. But I’m too selfish to stop.
I won’t stop ether then. My will is iron. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Yes, and my scalpel is steel. Your point?
I won’t stop till you do, no matter what. :-]
*sigh* you’re making it too easy to pull a ***** move. You’re lucky I don’t tell secrets.
You too. All I want is the box cutter.
Fair enough my friend. The box cutter is yours. I’ll use the rusty carpet cutter instead 🙂 I’ll have fun in the hospital greed ^_^
Then i will to.
Sigh.
Why must you and hope be so difficult instead of letting me die in peace?
because people rarely do. ^_^
:/ I wasted my chance. Ten months ago no one would’ve cared. Not even you Greed
probably not. Maybe a little.
See? I was off the site, I rarely talked to you, I didn’t know hope, and Sophie would’ve so seen it coming. Why didn’t I- oh yeah 🙁
Its important to fous on the now.
I want to take that so the wrong way
I’m not going to sit here all night and argue with you.
^_^ turns out neither of us have to! My friend’s stable, she’ll be able to leave the hospital in around three weeks
Great! Can I go to sleep now?
😀 yep. I won’t keep you up longer. Have fun on mid term tomorrow :/
K night.
Good night
Hey what is Alex’s thing on here? (Its makenna by the way)
*mindblown* Kenni you’re on here too? And she doesn’t post. At all. It’s peanutbutterpicklelove though :/
Wow so much fail Alex. And yeah? You have been telling me to get on for months. Well since July.
Fair enough. It’s a helpful site, but no one takes my advice 😛
You guys r pretty lucky to have such a group of like minded people around!
I guess we are ky. So how long have you been on the site?
There are SO many reasons people don’t take your advice Carolyn. -_-
SETTING THE SCHOOL ON FIRE WAS A GOOD IDEA!! LET IT GO!!
About a year n a half. I’m on here sporadically. I seem to go through periods where I don’t want to talk about all this, and I just read what others have going on.
I can understand that. I took a four month long break from the site.
Me: my stomacher is killing me today.
You: wanna razor?
…
me: I don’t want to go to pratice today.
you: wanna razor?
…
Me: its been three months. The only way I draw blood on myself is when I get so desperate I use my nails.
You: wanna razor?
…
Me: these fish sticks look Fucking nasty.
you: wanna razor?
…
Conclusion: never tell anything to Carolyn.
Or never listen to Carolyn.
I offered you a razor twice. Don’t exaggerate.
And as far as not listening to me, people on this site in the past have found me helpful. Weird huh?
Jesus. Here I though making up with you would be a good thing. Well I have been wrong before.
Oh fuck I’ve done it again 🙁 sorry makenna, I’ve been studying all day and I’m kinda irritable. I’ve pulled a ***** move again haven’t I?
You never stopped.
Please makenna, I’m very sorry, I’ve been under a lot of stress, I know you have too. You always have and I don’t know how bad it is. But please, let’s not get into another fight.