i let everyone down everyday. i feel like i always say i live only to keep the people around me happy but everyone says i have to do things for myself. ive gotten caught up in drugs and i feel like a complete failure. everyone says i need to quit for myself but i dont know how. they wont let me quit unless it is just for me. i got into a fight with my parents the other night and i broke down then came to my other house to get away. i cant help but feel guilty for the pain i put people through with my depression and my ups and downs but i just cant help it. i love them all so much and i know they all love me but i hate letting people down. i figure i can let them down just one last time. i just wish i could have died long ago because the only thing stopping me is the ones i love. i cant stand it. the only thing is i have a great life i know i do, im lucky, but im not happy at all. i make myself strive to be everything i possibly can but its still not enough. i hate myself. i love everyone but not myself. i really hope everyone moves on fast and forgets about me. i only dream that my girlfriend someday finds a man who loves her like i do, she more than deserves it. i just love everyone so much. please just tell me that it gets better and how can i get through this and save my loved ones from this pain.if you know where im at please help. i just hope theres a light at the end of the tunnel because i dont want this on to be my one last time…
3 comments
one more one last time
Gee, JK, you sound terribly burdened. Something puzzles me. You love these people in your life–you are no doubt kind to them, kind to the point of ending it rather than let them down. So if they love you, then why do you feel so inadequate and undeserving? Why must you sacrifice yourself to this degree? I don’t mean to imply that they don’t actually love you, but rather that it seems inconsistent or puzzling that you place such enormously high expectations on yourself (I gather) yet perhaps expect much less from others. Do you ever expect or hope that if they knew how absolutely awful you felt they would help you in some way?
A short while ago my parents had admitted me into a hospital to hopefully change my depressed and inadequate ways. I just got out today and i feel i have gotten some of my old ways back. But i still have the highest expectations for myself. My girlfriend has asked for a break, mainly to work on her own depression which i believe her reasoning, but i question if i feel that it is right to be with her. I do love her but i think i might know the girl who is truly for me. i know that i don’t have to decide right away, but i feel i pace myself far to fast. To answer your question … no, I expect no help from them. What I do expect is that I will get through everything myself. I feel i would burden them with my life and my challenges. i feel my life will always be filled with these struggles i just hope that i can accomplish something big before i die and maybe then people will know. but, for now i will not burden them and i just hope there lives will be improve by mine. i cannot kill myself quite yet for i have not reached my goals. someday i hope i will be remembered by my life and will leave people curious about my death.