The Saddest

I came to this website to share a personal story and ended up reading your post and I had to sign up to post a reply. Your words are so much like my own that as a schizophrenic, I had to take some time to make sure that I hadn’t actually written this! What you can take from that right away is that you are not alone with that feeling you are having, and also that your final statement is wrong. I have grown up with a built-in fear of loneliness, which has in-turn caused me to seek relationships constantly, once I am with someone, It always gets to the point where I realise that my issues affect the relationship so much that there is little room for happiness. They always know what I’m going through, and for that reason they always stay, but they will never truly understand, even when I was with someone with exactly the same diagnosis, they will never truly understand. This ultimately leads me to the same conclusion every time. That my desire for their happiness is overpowered by my desire for sadness and destruction. Then this same process happens every time; Paranoia, depression, self loathing, distancing, self harm, my decision to separate, suicide attempt. I fade away with the solid belief that everyones lives will be better without me, that my path of destruction will never end and if i want to save the ones i love, i shouldn’t be here. I awake in hospital, I can’t get away without being checked on for long. My family and friends know how I am and notice when things start to change and their alarm bells ring. Now all i have achieved is the pain of a whole bunch of people, and created a traumatic event that they will never forget or forgive themselves for. But I crave romance, I crave female company, emotional connection, joy, love. So eventually I will find myself hating myself for doing this all over again, for being incapable of making the person I love the most unhappy. All of these years I have been missing a key part here. I have accepted myself. I have completely come to terms with the way I am, to the point where I expect everyone around me to just deal with it, complete dependance. Now I realise that there is another way, I dont have to accept this, I can fight this, I can do this. It’s not right to be in a relationship because you can’t ever make someone completely happy until you can achieve true happiness within yourself. And if what you want is a relationship, then use that as your goal for the future, and your issues as an obstacle. You are none of the things you describe, you have just behaved that way because you have a problem that you havent dealt with. If you was truly a selfish dickhead, you wouldn’t have written your last post because you wouldn’t be questioning it, you wouldn’t care to make the comment at all. The way you behave doesn’t define you as a person, there is a reason behind everything. Stop accepting your mistakes as part of you and use your regrets as fuel to drive you to prevent them from happening in the future. Nothing is set in stone, there is so much time to fix this. Reflect, change yourself, then change the world.