At may this year had a boyfriend ( I am a 19 year old bisexual female) who was pro poly-amory, before I knew it I was having a party on MDMA kissing 2 friends of my boyfriend and the girl of one of those friends. I started a sexual relationship with the 2 friends and the girl ( I had my boyfriend as well) which was pretty awesome. Sometimes one on one, sometimes threesomes… foursomes… fivesomes… After four weeks he broke up with me because I was too clingy. My subconscious tells me he just thought I was too fat, ugly and stupid, but he says it’s just the clinginess. I still had a pretty tight (sex)relationship with one of those other friends of him, and he encouraged us to get into a serious relationship. This was pretty awesome, though I did some stupid things. He asked me to be monogamous, because I became poly. I promised him I would, but the next day I broke that promiss. I fucked my ex and that friend of him.
I had a relationship with my ex for 5 months, but he couldn’t handle my clinginess, my begging for prove that I was okay. He couldn’t deal with my depressed downs. He said his reason was because we are too different, but he’s talking shit. I’m just too up and down for him.
I know why I do stuff, I know, but I cant stop; I fuck. I watch porn. I smoke. I do drugs sometimes. I emotional eat. I cut. I do it because it makes me feel something. It makes me feel alive. It makes me feel connected. I don’t care if my feelings are good or bad, I’d rather feel pain than nothing. I can’t handle nothing.
So now I’m alone, no boyfriend/girlfriend. I miss the love, the craziness, the sex. I miss the approval my ex gave me. He made me feel like I was okay. He loved – or so I thought- Â my broken soul, bright eyes and unsexy body. I miss belonging somewhere. I miss being someone of worth. I miss him. I miss the life I had.
I know I am not worth such life, with him and those smart-ass university friends of his.
Guess I am not worth more then that guy ‘raping’ ( touching me while I was frozen with fear, too many thoughts and thought it would be better if ‘d just ‘let it happen’ so I would be done with him sooner and that I probably deserved it. I haven’t said ‘no’, that’s why I don’t consider it real raping) me.
Guess I am not worth to be loved since I’m one hell of a dumbfuck, with a big fat body and a troubled mind.
I’m sorry. I’m just in deep shit.
I went to the GP, he send me to a psygiatrist but they have no time in the next 5 months. and neither do the rest of the institutions in my neighborhood.
14 comments
Hey. Polygamy is not a problem unless you feel terrible about it and your partners are not ok with it.
STDS aside –
You are worth being loved. You are. It does not feel like it and when people have pointed out your failures or nod to any success only to raise the bar higher – it feels like nothing is ever good enough.
You go to a hospital and tell them you need help now. There is no wait list. Please trust me. They will give you a referral to someone who can see you NOW as well as have you speak with someone in the hospital.
I am glad you went to seek help. You are worth it. YOU ARE
I don’t think weight really matters much. I personally love a woman who has a bit extra. Even a lot extra. Poly-amory is tough for me to work with. I love the idea. I think that it is perfect. I’m personally a jealous person so it never works out for me. Cheating is the one thing I can’t handle because i’m insecure and I need to know that I am wanted. Porn, drugs, drinking, cutting, fucking.. Different strokes for different folks. Keep an open mind and you’ll probably find someone who appreciates your highs, lows and in-betweens. It is easier for women (try being a loser guy.. women hold all the power) at least that’s my take on it.
I couldn’t imagine having multiple sex partners. you should stay clear of that before you catch a disease. focus on finding someone who makes you feel alive without sex, without drugs, and without cutting. I’m not saying these things are anything to be ashamed of – don’t ever be ashamed of your past or who you are… I’m just saying you shouldn’t need them to feel alive! You should feel alive yourself, and your significant other should make you feel alive because he (or she) brings you joy.. Not because they make you feel accepted, controlled, etc. You can always talk to us on here, at least until you can see that therapist <3
Dear Keepbreathing,
I know, It isn’t a problem, and I am not saying I find it a wrong choice of living. I have no regrets I did it, but I won’t ever do it again with this… state. I did it because I wanted to be loved, and that’s not the right way, I guess…
Thank you, and I mean it. I am not trying to be all puberty-ish and seeking for attention ( In a month I will ben 19) , I just want help. So thank you for your advise. I have talked to my mentor at school and he said I can get a psychiatrist via the schoolpsych, so I might try that one.
How can I be worth something? I am all bad stuff stuffed in a person…. I admit, I can be sweet to others, but I am so… plegh.
Lots of love,
dawn
Soulless-dawnkeeper,
you are not a bad-stuffed person! no! you just sad you can be sweet to others – when I’m sure that’s just one of your many positive attributes. why do you think you are bad? (you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but maybe I can help.) I don’t see anything from your posts that makes you sound like a bad person; you just seem sad and I’m so glad you’re taking Keepbreathing’s advice and trying to get help. She (or he, sorry!) is completely right.. if you feel like you’re harmful to yourself or just want someone to speak to in person, go to the hospital – they will help you!!
Reading your post, I never would have thought you to be a bad person.
Dear Numbners,
well, that’s awesome you think it’s nice, few man share that thought. I love the idea as well, and I’m also jealous. my last ex wanted to do a threesome with a girl, and I didn’t want to share him… what do you mean by saying ‘t is easier for women (try being a loser guy.. women hold all the power) at least that’s my take on it.’, I don’t get that line, I’m sorry.
Lots of love,
dawn
I ish a loser guy that lets woman have all the power mostly quite sad.
Oh and i read your first post SD (Soulless-dawnkeeper) and um…haha my family does the same to me about eating….its why I hate my weight and looking in the mirror…they tell me to go to the gym cuz im fat :c
I’m sorry to hear that all that has happened to ya. You don’t seem like a bad person though, just one that has met all the wrong people?
The part about no psychiatrist having time seems so ridiculously horrible. I am so sorry.
Well, i’ve always felt (and I can definitely be wrong) that women can forge relationships much more easily than men can. Guys have to prove that they are hunters/providers/not serial killers, etc. All I need is a woman to tell me she likes me.
Dawn
I do not find you pre puberty ish. I find you as a fellow sufferer of pain and I find worth in you even if you cannot. Your post helped me reflect on things in my own life I have said or done.
If you want attention is there something so wrong with that? I get so pissed when people say depressed or suicidal people do XYZ for attn. You and I are actually in the same boat and I do not for one second believe you are posting to attract negative attn. So many people are alone or feel alone due to the lack of reciprocal attention we give them. So you are hurting right? IMO you have the right to state you are feeling alone – unaccepted – unwanted – worthless…this is the one place you should be able to say so. So many of us feel this way. As a mom estranged from her adult kids, I will tell you there is no greater walking death for me. I miss them so much. Divorce does some ugly shit. I feel worthless too. Do I want attn? FUCK YES. I want love, a life, a family, and that means ATTENTION. Attention is OKAY! Dying is not attention.
Listen to this and repeat as many times as you can
DYING IS AN ESCAPE FROM THE LACK OF ATTENTION and RESULTING PAIN WE SHOULD HAVE AS PART OF THE HUMAN RACE.
It is NORMAL to want to be heard. It is NORMAL to want to be loved. It is NORMAL to want to be accepted. Someone did not listen in your life and led you to feel so fucking bad that you think wanting attn is bad? Hell no. I disagree.
DYING is the end of NEEDING attention. So many assfuckingholes on this MF planet are selfish, cant show or reciprocate love – some are pathological narcissists who cant feel love for ANYONE and it hurts those of us who CAN and who crave it.
DYING ends the worthless feelings – it does not give ANYONE attention once they take their last fucking breath. Some of us feel so damned bad we would rather exit stage left and no bother anyone with our NORMAL need to connect to the human MF RACE.
Oh so and so wanted attn. SO THE FUCK WHAT! A newborn baby crying – most would not allow it to cry – most would care and pick the baby up and comfort them. MOST would attend to the needs of an infant who was not getting their needs met – yet when we age – people start making fun of or ignoring the very need we all have from birth to death.
Please please please understand I seriously do not feel what you have said is to be trivialized, managed down or discounted. You spoke your truth and I accept that you feel this way.
Looking for acceptance in Polyam is not going to help w depression. Christ with just ONE on ONE its fucking hard enough!
I have battled eating disorders early in life to the extreme depths of fucking hell. Body image – what we see – is different from reality.
Fucking media does not help women in any way – it pressures men to expect beauty and women to rise to the level of what beauty is defined as.
I know you want help. No need to explain. You are hear speaking upon it. I am glad you have spoken to someone who may help you.
ps I was not intending to be an advocate of suicide to stop the pain of needing attn or love. I was actually getting pissed at those who say suicidal feelings are a need for attn. And that most of us feel even more worthless and seek death to stop bothering others – you know – the ones who cant be bothered with us.
I dont want you or anyone to commit suicide. Please know this
Hey Dawn,
Sorry I got lost yet again…but only for a few hours this time…not months eh? Mom is home and safe…the doctor is still alive…for now…haha So now I am hours behind…story of my life…day late and a dollar short ahh well. Try again tomorrow? I dunno…I was sorta pissed that I got called out…haven’t talked to you in soooo long. I was sorta hoping that was because we were both busy getting better…sigh.
I wish you lived down the street from me…and not for the obvious reason…hahaha we have had some unique convos in the past…you are intelligent, open, literate…all the qualities I like in a correspondent…haha. Seriously…I was just reading over some of your old posts….it doesn’t seem like that long ago…why just like yesterday..now I know I’m getting old eh?
Tomorrow? I will be around late tomorrow…my daughter’s first session with a new counsellor in the am…shit…and they wonder why I hate this time of year…everyone and their uncle is sick or dying right now in my reality…I just keep telling myself…last year was waaaayyy worse…lol I’m just worried that you will take this to mean that you are not important…and that is simply not true. I felt a real connection with you…we have unfortunately so much in common…sorry…but it’s true. Okay…nuff blather…gonna have a smoke and a quick breathe…and try to catch up.
Love ya
Ama
Nice to read your mom is home and safe, Ama. Take care, Andy.
@Andy…thank you…it’s been a rough couple of days. Unfortunately I don’t think it’s quite over…just a feeling…sigh. She did in fact sign herself out but something is still quite wrong…I dunno…overprotective daughter?…lmao
@Dawn,
Good Morning Dawn….it is morning here now. I don’t have to ask you why you are doing what you are doing either…now do I? You really do remind me alot of myself many moons ago…sorry…I know how much it hurts. But hun…the good news still remains…if I can get better…you definitely can. After soooo many years of pain…what is 5 months? You can do it!!! If I could offer one piece of new advice to the equation it would be this….don’t drink alcohol!! Only because it is a depressant and really after the first one or two…just makes things worse in the long run…sigh. I gave it up myself when I was in my late 30’s finally…but then you already know what a slow old thing I am. That is why I am sooo hopeful for you…you are already more self aware than I was.
Liar, liar pants on fire…lol…I lied…I am flattened…have been up now almost 24 hours…dealing with my mom and such…so I haven’t gone back to read the old posts…I haven’t created a new post…OMG…I’m gonna catch hell…but darlin’…I’m knackered…body, mind and soul…sigh…and tomorrow is yet another day…hahaha
Random question? How many siblings do you have again? I seem to remember that you had a houseful yourself…much like I did. Also…I did not get my driver’s permit until I was in my 20’s…so no pressure…if you need or want it…you will get it…and not until then. I had to deal with my anxiety and phobia first. My Nan is turning 96 in three weeks…and she’s still driving…so there’s lots of time…hahaha
Another random question…haha…don’t you have some baking to look forward to? like for the holidays or such? I used to bake for my customers every year as well as make them a small personal gift…there were literally over 150 of them…everyday regulars you know? Lots of hugs…yeah. I digress…tired…sorry…but part of the pleasure was the baking with love. Just curious…are you going to be doing any baking? Can I place an order?…hehehe
I just had a thought….someone gave me a copy of a letter I wrote to my friends, customers etc. the year I was told I had less than six months left. Maybe I’ll use that to create a post….tomorrow…or rather…later today…I hope.
Now you see I must go to bed…hahaha
Lots of Love as Always
Ama